High income but deep deep in debt-any advice?

bettyg41

So how's it going now OP? Is there any light at the end of the tunnel?

debthelp100830

wannabedebtfree wrote: »

I agree that the issues are intrinsically linked, but he has already said he is only emotionally capable of dealing with one thing at a time at the moment. I also agree that the issue of his wife is better dealt with as the priority over the debt, but he is clearly asking for help.

I don't think that the debt is what is causing his emotional state at all (and I think if he was honest with himself he knows this too), his debt is perfectly managable in comparison to most people, but if he is unable or unwilling to deal with the root cause at this time it doesn't matter what any of us say.

I do think he should call her bluff, limit her spending and see if she really leaves him, like someone else said how would she cope without his income? Does anyone actually believe she'd rather be a single mother on benefits, blaming her ex for his frivalous ways with money than have 6 months of living within a pretty sizable budget!! I don't think so!

I just hope for the OP's sanity that this is sorted sooner than 6 months, because if he tries to ignore the big issue until the debt is sorted then I can see him ending up having a nervous breakdown, which will limit his chances of getting custody of his beloved daughter - and that is something that would clearly finish him off.

Thanks to everyone for their helpful comments- really appreciate.

just had a horrible sort of day- i guess all the comments were at back of mind already and then realised she didnt even wear the suit she apparently needed so essentially today- get a rude reply like if i want her to return it, etc, after 2 mins -gets into full-blown shouting from both sides, woke daughter up at which stage i realised i am undoing all the patience i have shown for so long so stopped. she continued abuse with f words in front of daughter, feel like completely losing out- somehow controlled and got out of house with daughter to get some fresh air. then thought abt calling police and get her removed from property as tenancy under my name and deal with this once for ever. then daughter asks "why were u fighting with mummy?" what does one do after that?

i agree with the person who said no pair- yes no pair to make a mess now. but too much bluff gone on. i am beginning to get my head around that there's no reason why she wld get custody with 0 income, not much efforts to ever find work and with daughter going to nursery when she isnt even working. and if she ever finds work, her take-home (even she admits) will be less than nursery fees. now the money qn is- how do i find a cheap solicitor to get some good advice.

if i start to admit my fear- i think more than custody, the biggest worries in that order are: a) how will my daughter cope up with the stress even if i get to keep her- thats 80% of the problem. other 20% is how long could this kind of divorce thing last for? what would be the legal expenses? would legal system work against me if i am under debt? how will it affect my job- is there a chance that i significantly reduce my chance of becoming debt-free as a result?

postponing it 6 mths seem to give better answer to every single qn apart from the first one which is the main qn. so here i agree with advice that if i have to minimize the trauma for my daughter, sooner the daughter- arggh....i am completely forgetting abt debt issues now and thats so tough a decision. i havent seen any divorce in my family, it just sounds so bad for my daughter. i mean i just dont believe that for atleast a year, daughter will think anything apart from why her parents have separated? if its so stressful for me at this age, how does she cope with it and how do i believe she wont get affected for life from such a thing.

debthelp100830

bettyg41 wrote: »

So how's it going now OP? Is there any light at the end of the tunnel?

I think relationship stress is too much- i knew it always and feeling the full force of it today. money stress can drive u crazy but doesnt kill. relationship stress kills.

fact is i admit or not, the real issue is the relationship. and am utterly incapable of handing it. period. there is no light at end of tunnel. i know financial issues at best are temporary. and will be stupid to ignore all advice and no point telling lies to myself. its like a diversionary tactic for mind. gave myself a problem which is still a problem but i know can be solved to avoid thinking about the problem i cannot solve. real issue is i dont know how to answer my kid asking me 6 mths from now why she cannot live with her mum. and all the debt issues mean i dont have time to think a good answer. so i thought will solve debt issues first. i think i will have to let some friend know the mess am in and get their help for short-term on debt, thats the only solution for finances.

dmg24

I am sorry to throw a spanner in the works, but the police will not remove her from the property unless she is committing an offence or causing danger to another person (or herself). The fact that her name is not on the tenancy is irrelevant.

The courts will always favour the mother in custody cases. As a single parent she would be able to claim IS and CTC (as well as housing benefits), and the govt deem this to be sufficient income to live off.

InaPickle

debthelp100830 wrote: »

just had a horrible sort of day- i guess all the comments were at back of mind already and then realised she didnt even wear the suit she apparently needed so essentially today- get a rude reply like if i want her to return it, etc, after 2 mins -gets into full-blown shouting from both sides, woke daughter up at which stage i realised i am undoing all the patience i have shown for so long so stopped. she continued abuse with f words in front of daughter, feel like completely losing out- somehow controlled and got out of house with daughter to get some fresh air. then thought abt calling police and get her removed from property as tenancy under my name and deal with this once for ever. then daughter asks "why were u fighting with mummy?" what does one do after that?

i agree with the person who said no pair- yes no pair to make a mess now. but too much bluff gone on. i am beginning to get my head around that there's no reason why she wld get custody with 0 income, not much efforts to ever find work and with daughter going to nursery when she isnt even working. and if she ever finds work, her take-home (even she admits) will be less than nursery fees. now the money qn is- how do i find a cheap solicitor to get some good advice.

if i start to admit my fear- i think more than custody, the biggest worries in that order are: a) how will my daughter cope up with the stress even if i get to keep her- thats 80% of the problem. other 20% is how long could this kind of divorce thing last for? what would be the legal expenses? would legal system work against me if i am under debt? how will it affect my job- is there a chance that i significantly reduce my chance of becoming debt-free as a result?

postponing it 6 mths seem to give better answer to every single qn apart from the first one which is the main qn. so here i agree with advice that if i have to minimize the trauma for my daughter, sooner the daughter- arggh....i am completely forgetting abt debt issues now and thats so tough a decision. i havent seen any divorce in my family, it just sounds so bad for my daughter. i mean i just dont believe that for atleast a year, daughter will think anything apart from why her parents have separated? if its so stressful for me at this age, how does she cope with it and how do i believe she wont get affected for life from such a thing.

Hey debthelp.

Sorry to hear that you have had a bad day and are having a bad time in general, and I'm no expert here, but if a married couple have debts in one person's name and they are considered financially 'linked' (joint bills, bank accounts etc.), doesn't that mean that the debt is also considered joint, and would be split as so in the case of divorce? I mean, let's face it, if there's a transaction for say £300 at Whistles on your CC, the clothes aren't going to be for you, are they?

If this is the case (and I'm sure other people here would be able to tell you better than me), then perhaps letting your wife know that if things keep unfolding as they are and that if the situation ever got to the point where divorce became inevitable that she would have no job and find herself with £50,000 of debt, she might start looking at money in a whole new light...;)

dorisday

Having your daughter hear her parents swearing/shouting at each other is much worse than having live with only one parent. Small children get very frightened because they dont know or understand whats going on and I suppose its very difficult or impossible to explain a situation to them when they are very small. You may think she is happy on a day to day basis but believe me she will be taking this situation in and and processing it in a tiny mind and she may even think its because of her that this very tense situation is happening.
Just because a depressed person smiles doesnt mean they are happy!! you may think you can protect your daughter from all thart is going on but without doubt you cant, only way is to take her out of the situation altogether. not in six months time but NOW before any more emotional harm is done.

Errata

dmg24 wrote: »

I am sorry to throw a spanner in the works, but the police will not remove her from the property unless she is committing an offence or causing danger to another person (or herself). The fact that her name is not on the tenancy is irrelevant.

The courts will always favour the mother in custody cases. As a single parent she would be able to claim IS and CTC (as well as housing benefits), and the govt deem this to be sufficient income to live off.

The mother could also apply for child support. CSA amount on a salary of c£115k would not be peanuts.

InaPickle

Errata wrote: »

The mother could also apply for child support. CSA amount on a salary of c£115k would not be peanuts.

But it would to that particular woman...I don't think she would like the idea of having to 'manage' on even a few thousand a month. (Sorry, debthelp, don't mean to speak ill of your wife, but I don't think she looks on money and life like this. )

dorisday

Not a fact DMG courts will not favour the mother. That used to be the case years ago but now it has changed. And I know this for a fact, Ive been with many a mother who thought the same and what a shock they got. Dealt with a situation a few weeks ago and even I was totally taken back when the father got custody of his child when she had been with her mother for the whole 3 years of her life.

dmg24

Errata wrote: »

The mother could also apply for child support. CSA amount on a salary of c£115k would not be peanuts.

Agreed, and it won't even affect her entitlement to IS (although I do wonder if the govt will change that?).