Chapel of rest

Bettie

I don't want anyone seeing me when I am dead and in my box. Mum says the same and we never saw Dad as we knew he felt the same. I saw my Dad as he died, that was different. Saw my FIL just after and now every time I think of him I see that face, not the face we all loved.
We are all different and handle things differently but I hope my family respect my wishes not to see me.

inkie

I have never been to the chapel of rest to say goodbye to anyone. It's not that I have an aversion to such things (I worked as a nurse for a number of years, and am now a minister and so conduct funerals), but that I prefer to remember people as they were. Even when my mum died it never crossed my mind to go and see her in the chapel (although my Dad did, and he said they had done a good job, bless him!) I have no regrets whatsoever for not going. I did not want to risk, when thinking about my mum having the memory of her lying still in her coffin rather than laughing as she did.

Do whatever is right for you. I am sorry for your loss.

Savvy_Sue

I'm sorry for your loss.

There's no right or wrong answer to this.

My dad died last December and there was a bit of discussion about whether or not Mum wanted to go and see him in the Chapel, and whether I did, because I hadn't been there when he died (Mum and some of my siblings were there).

Mum would have come with me because she didn't want me to go on my own. I only wanted to go to be with her. Fortunately one of my siblings worked out what was going on, so we never went.

And I don't regret that. I spent a night with Dad two nights before he died, someone else was with him the next night. I didn't KNOW he was dying then but he was clearly not very well. I chatted to him through the night, and sang a bit, and dozed a bit. I said what I needed to say then, and I knew he hadn't been on his own after that. I also knew what he was wearing (Spurs t-shirt!).

And one of my colleagues said that she'd seen her dad very soon after death, and then again at the chapel, and he wasn't 'there' any more: it was quite different after a few days.

So give some thought to when you did last see your gran, and whether you think it would help to see her again, or whether actually there are daft questions you want to ask which would make you feel OK about not seeing her.

And then make your own mind up, and don't let your mind dwell on the 'what ifs' and the regrets for seeing her / not seeing her.

Lucy1973

So give some thought to when you did last see your gran, and whether you think it would help to see her again, or whether actually there are daft questions you want to ask which would make you feel OK about not seeing her.

I think I need to see her. I last saw her unconcious at the hospital,2 hours before she died. Before then,she had some kind of fit,which scared me(her organs were closing down)and that kind of made me realise that I just couldn't be there to watch her take her last breath. as a couple of family members arrived,I went with my hubby outside,broke down and told him I couldn't say goodbye to my nan or family members,so I left. I guess it just feels unfisnished and I now need some kind of closure.
But thanks everyone for your advice. Its very much appreciated x

meritaten

I have done the 'going to visit in the chapel of rest' thing a few times. I just dont get why its the done thing? They arent there, mostly they dont look like themselves and only once did I ever kiss them goodbye and it took me weeks to get over the shock of kissing what felt like a recently defrosted chicken!
(note to self - add to list of instructions for my burial - NO-ONE sees me in my coffin)

LisaLou1982

Hi OP - so sorry for your loss.

As so many others have said, unfortunately no one can tell you what the best thing for you to do would be. The only thing i can suggest is going with what your heart tells you and go from there. If you do that, then you wont regret anything.

Ive sat here and read this thread and its made me cry with remembering. I saw my Nana when she died suddenly 7yrs ago and I went to the Chapel of Rest in the hospital to see her. I thought that that was what i wanted to do, as i wanted to say goodbye. What i remember is the horrendous smell that was in the corridor as the person who was lying there before my Nan had had a request from their family to see them. Theyd not been found for weeks. The coroner was very apologetic but it still lingers and i still remember it. My mum thought my nana looked like she was sleeping. I found it horrible and she didnt look anything like herself. Her teeth were too prominent and it really scared me. I had nightmares for weeks afterwards.

When granddad died 4 months later, we arrived at the hospital 5 mins after hed passed on. He looked so peaceful and had just fallen asleep. It was completely different from my Nana but i never went to see him in the Chapel - i said my goodbyes in the hospital.

My dad passed last year and i was with him when he passed away. It was one of the most horrendous times of my life and i sat and spoke to him and asked him to go as i didnt want to watch him suffer anymore. He passed away 5 mins later. When he passed, my first thought was that he'd gone on. I cant really explain what i mean, i guess some people will understand though.

We came back to mums and my first words as i walked through the door were "it doesnt feel as if dad is here anymore" - my OH was gutted and didnt understand, but i genuinely feel that dad passed on and didnt leave anything behind.

Good luck with whatever you decide Lucy - it'll be the right thing im sure xx

faithcecilia

When my step-nan died I did go to see her, I was 14 at the time and glad I went as she had been ill for a long time and it was nice to have my last memory of her as a calm, painfree one.

When my grampa died I had seen him in the hospital just hours before, saw how calmly he was waiting for the end, so didn't feel the need to see him in the chapel of rest.


One of the elderly sisters died when I was at the convent. Her end had been long and 'tiring' if thats the right word?? Most of us had spent time sitting with her in those last few weeks. When she died, the infirmary sisters prepared her body and we had a day with her at home before she was taken away. It was a Sunday, which was nice, and we could just pop in and spend time with her saying goodbye. For me that was more of a goodbye than her funeral was as she died just before Palm Sunday and you cant have a RC funeral in Holy Week, meaning it was 10 days before the burial.

PurpleJay

So sorry for your loss. It is a hard decision, just try to go with your gut feeling and you will probably not regret it whatever you decide. It is how you feel at the time and we all react differently. If you have someone to go with and they go in first, you can decide at the last minute depending on their reaction. Don't feel bad if you can't do it.

I was with my dad when he passed away and he did look as though he was sleeping and much more rested than he had for a couple of day. We went off for a cuppa (me and mum) and while we were gone, they removed the tubes, drips and put a vase of flowers in the room on his bed table which was a bit odd. When I went on the ward some years later to see my MIL, the 'same' flowers were on the table in the corridor and I couldn't get over that they were waiting for the next person to die! What I am trying to say is that once other people start doing things to make things seem more normal, I don't think they will seem quite right if that makes any sense.

I intended seeing dad at the Chapel of Rest but in the end the undertaker advised against it so I guess he didn't look so good. I am glad I didn't go. When MIL died, I was there up until a couple of hours before and she was in a coma. My DH was with her when she died. We didn't see her in the Chapel although other relatives did and seemed to get peace from it. Again, I am glad I didn't go. It was nice though that someone had.

My mum didn't want to see my dad in the Chapel of Rest as she had a bad experience of seeing her grandad dead (in the days when they had them in the living room). She had seen her mum at the hospital just after she died and thought she looked peaceful. I remember her refusing to see her uncle (also in someones living room)! I was to young really when my grandparents died.

Good luck with your decision. x

SandC

I don't think you will regret whatever you decide to do. Again, I'm another one who disagrees with the poster who says it will break your heart in the future if you don't - that sort of assumption is not helpful.

My father died last year and I saw him at the hospital after he'd passed away and didn't want to see him again. In my mind that wasn't him any longer but then he'd been dreadfully ill for a long, long time and was no longer the dad we had in our hearts. Even at the hospital they'd combed his hair the wrong way so....

It is a personal choice as everyone has said. It's not in my nature to get sentimental about the solid things connected with someone passing away - I like to think they are around all the time, but I know others find great comfort in saying goodbye to their loved one as they 'saw' them and how they gain comfort in having a grave or memorial to visit.

Everyone is different and there is no 'wrong' in this.

izzybusy23

katebl wrote: »

Hi lucy,

Firstly sorry for your loss. I've been to visit my Nan, Grandad, and lastly my Dad in chapels previously. I have to say even though I was with my Dad for a couple of hours after he passed, I still couldn't get the image of him in the chapel of rest out of my head for months afterwards, but my first reaction when I went in was I was upset that they'd covered up the shoes I'd spent so long polishing!

If you really don't feel up to visiting your Nan, I would suggest you could write a note to put give to someone to put in the coffin with her and say your goodbyes that way. Even though I went to visit my Dad a couple of times I still regret not leaving him a message to take with him . Could make you feel better if you decide not to go.

The note in the coffin is a really good idea, and one that I will use should the need arise.

My grandad also had his feet covered up and believe it or not my nan actually died brown shoes black so that they would match his suit.. honestly! Just for them to be covered up.