Chapel of rest

katebl

izzybusy23 wrote: »

The note in the coffin is a really good idea, and one that I will use should the need arise.

My grandad also had his feet covered up and believe it or not my nan actually died brown shoes black so that they would match his suit.. honestly! Just for them to be covered up.

I'm glad your nan has the same attention to detail as me! If my Dad hadn't already passed he would have keeled over with shock at how particular I was about those shoes being shined and out on display... They were meant to be taken off when he was cremated but they left them on him which I was strangely glad of.

I did burn a card to go in with his ashes, but it wasn't the same as if it were with him when his body 'crossed over'.

Just_Plain_Jane

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's a very personal thing I think, as others have said.

I saw both my parents. I saw my Dad a few hours after he died at the hospital and it was horrendous. They'd wedged his teeth in awkwardly and both my sister and I were freaked out by it. I felt I ought to kiss him and his forehead was ice cold, I've never forgotten how that felt. I slept with the light on for weeks and had weird dreams. My sister later (bravely I thought) went to see him after the undertaker had seen to him and she said that helped a lot as he looked more like he did when he was alive.

Consequently, when my mother died I was bricking it on the way to the undertaker, I didn't want to be there but my 11 year old daughter had insisted she wanted to see her Nan as she had been very close to her. I tried to talk her out of it, but she was adamant and I didn't want her to resent me later so I agreed. So I thought if she's going in, then I'm going to have to grow a pair and go with her, I couldn't let her do it alone. At first I wouldn't look but DD strode up to the coffin, was touching Mum's hands and hair and eventually I went over. They'd done a good job on her as the lady who worked at the funeral parlour had known her when she was alive and had put her make-up on and done her hair. She was dressed in her best dress, she would've like that. I did have quite a positive experience there. Given a choice though, I wouldn't go and see anyone else.

It was obviously a positive thing for DD (now 15) too. She has a very grown up attitude towards death and recently did her work experience in a funeral parlour. We were all impressed by her maturity.

It really is up to you, although I think doing what another poster suggested and getting someone to go in first is a good move.

Lucy1973

Just_Plain_Jane wrote: »

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's a very personal thing I think, as others have said.

I saw both my parents. I saw my Dad a few hours after he died at the hospital and it was horrendous. They'd wedged his teeth in awkwardly and both my sister and I were freaked out by it. I felt I ought to kiss him and his forehead was ice cold, I've never forgotten how that felt. I slept with the light on for weeks and had weird dreams. My sister later (bravely I thought) went to see him after the undertaker had seen to him and she said that helped a lot as he looked more like he did when he was alive.

Consequently, when my mother died I was bricking it on the way to the undertaker, I didn't want to be there but my 11 year old daughter had insisted she wanted to see her Nan as she had been very close to her. I tried to talk her out of it, but she was adamant and I didn't want her to resent me later so I agreed. So I thought if she's going in, then I'm going to have to grow a pair and go with her, I couldn't let her do it alone. At first I wouldn't look but DD strode up to the coffin, was touching Mum's hands and hair and eventually I went over. They'd done a good job on her as the lady who worked at the funeral parlour had known her when she was alive and had put her make-up on and done her hair. She was dressed in her best dress, she would've like that. I did have quite a positive experience there. Given a choice though, I wouldn't go and see anyone else.

It was obviously a positive thing for DD (now 15) too. She has a very grown up attitude towards death and recently did her work experience in a funeral parlour. We were all impressed by her maturity.

It really is up to you, although I think doing what another poster suggested and getting someone to go in first is a good move.

Thank you so much everyone. All your posts have brought me alot of comfort.
To the OP I quoted,your daughter sounds lovely and a real credit to you:).
We will be going to see my nan either tomorrow or friday. There will be a few of us going so I will play it by ear. I may well have second thoughts once i'm there. The funeral(a cremation) will be on tuesday and we have to wear something bright.
Thanks again xxx

Oldernotwiser

I went to see both my parents after their deaths and my abiding (and comforting) memory was that their bodies were not actually "them" and their souls, spirits, personalities (whatever you believe in) were elsewhere. I actually turned to my husband and said, "that's not my mum".

Lucy1973

Right,seeing nan on friday,as its the only day available. Concerned that the funeral directors dont actually store the deceased,and nan will be somewhere else,I don't know where, and they have to know in advance re visiting. I've never heard of this set-up before. Is this common?

justmel

Hi Lucy,so sorry for your loss xx When my dad died the funeral director itself did not have it's own chapel of rest and as far as i know still doesn't....what they do have is access to the local chapel which is owned by the council and i had to give them a time in advance too so they could meet me there and unlock the doors and make sure i was guided to my dad's coffin.

I was with him when he died and saw him at the hospital chapel the day after but i felt the need to see him just once more and i had agreed to take all cards and letters from family.

It really is a decision only you can make,it was much better for me the first time i saw him and ifi am honest the second time was quite awful and he didn't look like he was just sleeping anymore but i can't say i regret it because i felt it was something i needed to do,you will know when you get there if you still want to go ahead and see your nan,take care xxx

Savvy_Sue

Lucy1973 wrote: »

Right,seeing nan on friday,as its the only day available. Concerned that the funeral directors dont actually store the deceased,and nan will be somewhere else,I don't know where, and they have to know in advance re visiting. I've never heard of this set-up before. Is this common?

I'm not sure: we could have gone to see Dad in the hospital's chapel of rest but were advised that waiting until he was with the undertaker would be a 'softer' experience. The undertaker wanted notice of any visits, but he would have been in their 'rest room' if we had gone.

aliasojo

screamer wrote: »

..... but trust me, you really need to say goodbye, your heart will break eventually if you don't! xx

Imo you do not need to see a corpse in order to do that.

I saw my aunt, my father and my mother dead. None of them looked like they were 'sleeping', they ALL looked waxwork like and as if something was missing. I had nightmares about all of them (their bodies) for many years afterwards and still do occasionally (Mum and Dad have been dead 20 + years).

My gran is also dead and I refused all attempts to make me see her even although that didn't sit well with other family members who thought it was disrespectful not to and tried to actually physically force me into the room where she lay. She is the only one I have never had a nightmare about.

It's my belief that visiting a corpse is about as much good as visiting a tin after you've ate the beans out of it.....the important part is gone. I wish with all my heart I had stuck with the memories of my Mum when she was alive, the image I was left with wasn't my Mum.

As said above, this is a very personal thing and there's no right or wrong, what suits one wont help another. I hope you make the right choice for you OP. I'm sorry for your loss.

aliasojo

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I went to see both my parents after their deaths and my abiding (and comforting) memory was that their bodies were not actually "them" and their souls, spirits, personalities (whatever you believe in) were elsewhere. I actually turned to my husband and said, "that's not my mum".

Ditto. I said exactly the same thing.

I'm not really religious but something was missing from my Mum and at that moment I felt sure she was elsewhere.

glossgal

I've only ever seen one dead person when i was 18-a friend died and we went to see her thinking it was the done thing. I can honestly say I have never been so terrified in my life-she looked like she was made out of wax and in hindsight we were far too naive to face that, the funeral parlour gave us no warning and just opened the door and bam-there she was! I can still picture it now...

Consequently I did not go to see my mum when she died and i don't think anyone else did, this does make me sad in some respects and I did feel guilty at the time but I can't imagine she would have looked well having been so ill beforehand. Everyone is right-it really isn't 'them' anymore whether they look ok or not, I'm not religious but really feel the essence of someone is totally separate from the physical body.