Hubby leaving feel so lost please help me, feel alone

Eager_Elephant

Hi Tracy

Sorry I got the wrong end of the stick.

I can't understand, even more, why your colleagues don't like you. Maybe because you are always willing to help people they see you as a goody two shoes?

When I am having a bad time at home I don't tell anyone either, I think it is better to keep a positive slant on everything. When acquaintances/colleagues ask if you are alright, they only expect the answer to be yes thanks, if you actually told them how you were feeling they would be shocked and would not know how to react.

I hope your meeting with Parents Apart went well.

EE

tracytaxi

HI Eager elephant, please dont say sorry, parents apart went well. But now son aged 20, has just walked out on his partner and 2 children, serious stress.

tracytaxi

Morning not slept well worrying about my grandchildren aged 1 an 2 months my son has left them with their mum in total squalor, my son was the only one who ever did any work and he has had enough and I hate to imagine after 2 days what state it is in, as even with my son trying it was not very good, my sons partner has self harmed in the past too , I dont know what to do, I told son he should go back till monday and look after the kids as he is seeing solicitor monday, he says he wants joint custody but does not think the children are that safe there, I think he has some one else, just dont believe it , got given a £100 a week school run yesterday so was feeling positive work wise and now this !!!

Eager_Elephant

Hi Tracy

Glad Parents Apart went well.

I'm sorry to hear that your son has left his partner and children, anyone who has to do everything all the time is soon going to get fed up aren't they.

I think it is a good idea for your son to return home because if he doesn't think they are safe there and anything happened while he was not there he would not be able to live with himself.

Does the partner actually want the children or would she be willing to let your son have them?

Luckily at such a young age they won't remember what is going on and having parents living seperately will be normal for them.

Well done on the school contract, should help with the car costs!!

EE

tracytaxi

Hi morning , yesterday my son and I went to his flat while girl and kids were out. To be honest flat never been up to my standards and to be honest probably not up to most peoples, even with msy son doing things his attitude is I di it cleaned up and she made it a mess so why should i do it again!! Think he misses the point that that is what you have to do every day. But still since he was gone the condition of the flat was something akin to life of grime, they hads a puppy stay, and the soiled newspaper was still on kitchen floor 2 days after dog and son gone.

The floor of every room was littered with clothes dirty and clean , and a variety of clutter, her bed unmade, and just a stinky stained mattress no sheets, the kitchen so full of dirty dishes that you could not wash a botle, the bathroom so full of dirty clothes that you could not get i the bath, and worst of all both babies cots with white sheets with brown stains and the smell?? My son took th esheet off the 1 year olds cot vomit, milk and urine!!!!!!! The smell omg, son became distressed and phoned social services for help either to help his ex cope or help him have the children, the reply that came back was hygiene is not a welfare concern!!!!!!!!!!!!we both cried

We were then told to help her more, my mum spent 7 hours a week helping her as did her mum and she does not sem bothered. My son went to flat to check on children to his total horror both babies were in the same dirty cots, the little one had the same bedding, the 1 year old whose sheet son had removed and not replaced to see if she noticed had been put to bed on the sodden mattress, with just a t shirt, no sheets or blankets as she had none,the blanket he did have smelt of urine, they had not been bathed just wet wiped, BUT socilal services says hygiene is not an issue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would say thats neglect. She wont let him have the children, he is not staying with me yet due to hubby (they hate each other) but if he can get the children come what may.

I feel very low , worried about everything and dont know how much my head will take, trying to be strong for my son, but also realise he is partly responsible for the flat although it was never that bad, dont know what to do,I just want to sleep and not wake up to more pain an danguish and worry.

JoJoB

Next time he sees the flat and children in that state can he take photos and video to use as evidence for neglect? It is very strange that Social Services did not investigate, please don't give up on this route because of one knock-back. SS have a duty of care to investigate and if they refuse to you are entitled to ring the head of childrens services and ask why there has been no action. If they are still unwilling to help then your son should put in an official complaint.

Would he be willing to go for full custody?

tracytaxi

He took photos and the sheet as evidence, but ss still say its up to family to provide support and hygiene does not qualify as a cause for concern!! he has solicitor on wednesday , but has no home, although the flat is in joint names

Eager_Elephant

Hi Tracy

What a terrible state for your son to return to. I am very suprised that SS were not interested, if you don't mind I might ask gizmo to comment as she is a social worker.

She has been helping another lady on here who's grandchildren were removed for similar issues although her daughters do have learning difficulties but they were unable to care for there children, not because they didn't love them but because they couldn't understand the children's needs.

Obviously your son has a right to remain in the flat as it is in joint names, could he speak to the Housing Association/Council about it and see whether they would rehouse him in to a flat.

Sorry not sure what else to suggest.

EE

jackieglasgow

I would be having very strong words with my son if it were me to be honest, he should be staying put and making sure the house and his children are clean, not going running to Social Services, especially if the house is in both their names. I know it must be difficult if the relationship is at an end for him, but his children should be his first priority.

gizmo111

Hi Tracy,

First of all poor hygiene in itself is not a major issue but as you rightly point out neglect is, also a couple with a history of self harming rings alarm bells. I would suggest that you speak to the Health Visitor and ring SS again - make sure they know of the mums history and what seems to be her inability to cope. Also put it in writing to both SS and HV. Ring back daily and see if they have visited. If they haven't visited within 72 hours put in a complaint. If you feel the childen are at significant risk over the weekend ring the police, they have the power to remove the children to a place of safety without an order - but be aware it will most likely be to your house or another relative, maybe the girls mother? SS have a duty to investigate your referal.
What sort of plans has your son for the childrens future?