Opinions please on family child care issue

andrealm

I get the feeling that they may be being awkward because they want the arrangement to stop, but If that's the case they should just come straight out and say it. Perhaps they just don't want to look after 4 kids when the new baby comes.

meritaten

I have my youngest grandson two or three part-days a week (my DILs mum has him the other part days) so my sons partner can work part-time. however, I also have four other grandkids who want to visit/have sleepovers. I juggle them as best i can and dont ask for or want payment (to be paid to mind my own grandkids is an alien concept to me) its the time management I struggle with........I have calculated the minimum time I spend minding grandkids is 48 hours with 60 hours or more being not unusual! at my age I had hoped to have more time to myself and tbh - I feel knackered and worn out and cannot help thinking, If I wanted to make a career out of childminding - I would register or be a foster parent!
and are my kids grateful? are they hell! they do nothing but snipe about how i have the other kids and not theirs and why cant I have theirs for a sleepover..........when the others asked days before!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MrsE_2

mishkanorman wrote: »

Im guessing the mother isnt registered as a childminder so this situation shouldnt even be going on, but thats another worry.

Are you saying a granny should be registered as a childminder to look after their own grandkids?

I plan on asking for compressed hours, to get one day a week off to help with child minding when I'm a grandmother.

andrealm

I don't think grandparents need to be registered if they're only looking after their own grandchildren and not other children. Legally there is nothing to stop them charging but you can't claim tax credits to pay for childcare by grandparents unless they are registered childminders.

MrsE_2

I wouldn't dream of charging my DD for childminding (but mine would only be part time anyway as I work).

But the OPs parents are charging far less than formal childcare, even when you take into consideration all the gripes.

So I think its probably in the OPs best interest to pay the £150 pm.

moneysaving_convert

Is your third child due free nursery places yet? If so, perhaps you could change the babysitting arrangements? Perhaps you could rely on the grandparents slightly less?

I think you need to have a frank chat with the grandparents and explain how you feel to avoid family conflict and misunderstandings in the future. Its always really difficult having financial relationships with those you are close to.

By the way, while I can understand that the grandparents have come to rely on the money you pay them, it does seem a bit out of order to have to continue to pay them while you are on maternity leave and (very likely) much shorter on cash than normal.

squirrelchops

I think what struck me were 2 comments that the OP made.
Firstly that the one child is left to occupy themselves and secondly that the Granparents won't take the children to play group or the like.

I would therefore question actually if it is in the child's best interests to go to GP's if they won't support doing things that are good for the child's development.

coolcait

Ex-Spendaholic wrote: »

Just thought I would update. Sadly the issue never was resolved.

The baby arrived safe and well just over a week ago.

Congratulations!!

So just before they went my mother made the comment "well we won't be needed this week now that you're on maternity leave". ...
So in the baby's first week OH was off work. My dad text to say he would collect DD from nursery and the other DD from school and they could have their dinner there.

So, they weren't 'needed' as your DH was there, but they still collected a couple of the kids from nursery and school, and gave them their dinner. That seems kind of them.

This took place on 3 days which is generally the norm as thats what happens when I'm at work. I thought they were being kind and thats what happened.

But, you weren't at work, and neither was your DH. There was no 'need' for the grandparents to do that with/for the kids, but they did it anyway. I still think it seems 'kind'.

...

I don't know what to do now. The people who will get hurt through this is my children who think the world of their grandparents. They are not going to understand the "pay to stay mentality". However why should I give in. Surely any decent grandparent doesn't need to be paid to see their grandchildren? I'm not asking or wanting them to ook after the kids as if I was at work but I think the insinuation that the kids arent really welcome now is downright cruel.

At what point did your parents say the children couldn't visit? I must have missed that in your post. I thought they'd told your DS he could visit? I looks as if you are taking the fact that they don't seem to want to 'childmind' for you while you are on maternity leave, and turning it into 'they don't want to see the children'.

The kids have asked me a few times when they are going round. I keep saying I don't know as I really don't know what to say.

So why not pick up the phone and tell your parents that the kids are desperate to see them, and aks when you can all come for a visit - making it clear that it's not about them looking after the kids for you? Or invite them to come and visit you?

So do I:....

Please don't take any decisions, or do anything negative until your post-birth hormones have calmed down. Ok, you haven't got round to dealing with the problem you have with your parents and the childminding issue. So, why not leave it a little bit longer, rather than going in all guns blazing while you're tired and hormonal?

TBH, I have a lot of sympathy with your parents. They have raised their own children, yet they are still very far from being child-free. They may have pressured you to let them look after your first child, but I can totally understand why - nearly thirteen years and three children later, with the possibility of having to look after a fourth, - they are setting some very clear boundaries on when, and on what terms, they can look after the children.

You seem to have been quite happy to accept the times that they offered to look after your children recently. You planned to ask them to have the children, on a regular basis, at times which suited you. The issues seem to have arisen when they did not fall in with what you wanted.

There is at least one option which didn't make it on to your list. Why not tell them that you appreciate everything they have done to help you look after your children all these years, but that you feel guilty that they haven't been able to enjoy their own time. you can acknowledge that, as your family has grown, and grown older, their needs have changed, and it's probably time for you all to move on to other arrangements. That's probably a good time to give them a timescale for the changes - which you might find coincides with you going onto SMP. Yuo can set up other childcare arrangements with another childminder/nursery/aftercare service.

But it will be important to make it clear that you expect that this change to the arrangements should make it easier for the grandparents and the children to see each other at times which suit all of them - not just at times which tie in with your working hours. Present it as a win/win situation for all of them.

Like I said, this probably isn't the best time to be taking decisions about the issue, but it's an alternative to the options you've already thought of.

As for the fact that your (until now) youngest entertains herself, My extended family is full of delightful children like that (plus some wee nyaffs!).

They still need a lot of time, care and attention - even if we don't mention that to mum when she comes to collect her cherub. the conversation usually runs along the lines of "Oh no, he/she hasn't been any bother! (thinks to self : 'compared to wee nyaff I watched last week!!'). He/she really entertains him/herself. I hardly noticed she was there (having forgotten the feeding, weeing, pooing, crying, getting to sleep, tantrum times in between the 'really entertaining themselvs' bit!).

Even the best-behaved pre-schooler can be exhausting to look after all day. Ask any mum.

Mankysteve

Amanda65 wrote: »

That's a bit harsh !

But true. sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind.

DianneB

I currently look after my dgs 4 before and after school (afternoons as well now as he has moved to their first choice school and is only doing mornings till January), I consider it a privilege to have him!! Before he started school it was a combination of nursery/me and his wonderful childminder. I wouldn't consider charging to look after my own grandson or be paid for his meals and treats, that's all part of being a grandmother! I buy toys for the toy box at my house and yesterday got special slippers to keep at mine. He is a joy to have and I am only too happy to help out my son and dil. My dil is now pregnant and I look forward to helping out with the baby when it's born and sharing its care with the childminder when dil goes back to work. I always thought families help each other out for love!