Opinions please on family child care issue

onlyroz

I think that if you're using your parents for regular childcare then it is fair to pay them - *but* you need to set out clearly what the terms are, e.g. set days of the week, clarify arrangements for holidays, and how any "extras" should be dealt with like babysitting in evenings so you can go out.

If you're not using them for such an arrangement then *don't* pay them, and *don't* feel guilty about it. If they then get funny about one-off babysitting, or drop-in social visits then that's their problem and not yours. Just make sure that you don't have to rely on them in the future.

Jewel_2

Hmmmm, I would never rely on my parents to look after my kids, they have a life of their own and they have absolutely no responsibility to you to look after them at all. That said, I would take away this issue by finding alternative childcare arrangements so that there is no battle.

My mum is lovely and willingly looks after my daughter at the drop of a hat. However, I don't expect her to, I expect to be independent and quite honestly I find the whole thing rather strange regarding payment. I would just cut the ties and do it all between the two of you, then you may find yourselves less stressed emotionally.

adviceforall

I must be doing something wrong, we have always looked after our (now 5) grandaughter. Over the Christmas period last year we had her for 100 hours and didn't get a thing, not even a thank you at the end ( was pretty miffed to say the least, about a thank you not the money) We had her sleep over as well.

When she was younger we had her stay 4 nights a week, every week without taking a penny as well as several day times so our daughter who is a single parent could work.

£150 would have come in very use full as I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and back problems and have not been able to work for the last couple of years.

I certainly would not have expected payment for when she wasn't here if I had been paid.

Charlie1978

I went through a similar issue with my mum. Not so much regards money but with regards her thinking that she was doing me a favour. She has always had DS now 12 and DD now 6 overnight every Friday night. On occasion I would ask (not often!) to switch this to a Saturday night for a function. This was always met with a sneer and an offhanded comment.

I never asked them to have the children overnight mind. She originally asked so that she could get to know her grand children. I always complied (as I did with the other nan before she sadly passed) and allowed them whatever time they wanted to bond with the children. Often getting many buses and completely putting myself out to ensure they could get the time they asked for.

Anyhow, as the years went by she simply forgot that it was she who had asked for the children overnight and suddenly she's going out of her way for me and i'm taking the P!!!

I did not appreciate this one little bit. I eventually assured my mother that if she did not wish to have the children over night then it wouldn't be an issue. I could still bring the children to come and see her on occasion if she would like but that she was by no means doing me any favours by having them as I was running myself completely ragged to get them there!

To enforce the issue we had bad weather for a couple of weeks and the children therefore did not end up going to their grand parents for 2 weeks in a row. I phoned my mother and gave her notice so she didn't cook them any dinner or arrange anything but told her that the children wouldn't be coming that week and if the snow was there, they wouldn't be coming the week after either. She asked what I would do!!! :eek: :eek: I said 'mother I have the children the other 6 nights of the week. What do you think I do with them then? Do you think it is going to be a big problem to have them one more?!'

Anyhow... after the two weeks she had missed them so much things changed. I would always say she didn't have to have them and she would always say no please bring them, I miss them when they don't come.

Complete turn around now and everyone is happy

I remember getting very upset at the time and thinking something had to change. I loved my mum dearly but didn't want a relationship so one sided to continue. I'm glad I piped up now.

We have another child on the way now and this one won't be staying over night. I have already addressed that issue. They don't have the room and I will be BF'ing and would be happier with baby here.

But it was good to clear the air at the time. If I was ever asked to pay her for this i'd have removed my children at once. She either see's the children because she wants to or she doesn't at all. There is no inbetween for me. I had nursery childcare for the 5 days a week I worked and wouldn't have dreamt of asking her to have them. Pay or not.

I think there is a fine line in families that needs not be crossed. I'd rather have my mum as a mum and grand mother than an employee. At least then everything is on an equal footing.

kegg_2

It is a bit different if nannie is having them 3 days a week so daughter can work rather than just an evening/night a week to give the parents a break.
I think it is an arrangement that has got out of hand and probably nannie never though it would mean she ends up minding 3 children over quite a long period.
£150 per month wont go far in covering out of pocket expenses so she is hardly making a fortune out of her daughter.
It is a big commitment that she has made over the years and i dont see much gratitude in the ops posts for this. She has saved her a small fortune plus giving her ease of mind that her children are in a secure enviroment whilst she works.
Now with the arrival of the new 4th it proabably seems to the nan that it is never ending and she is going to be tied for years more looking after her grandchild. She is getting older and could well be at the stage where she has just had enough.
Now is the time to sort out new childcare and let nannie and grandad go back to being grandparents who get to enjoy all the good things about children and then hand them back for their parents when they have had enough.

Jewel_2

Charlie1978 wrote: »

I went through a similar issue with my mum. Not so much regards money but with regards her thinking that she was doing me a favour. She has always had DS now 12 and DD now 6 overnight every Friday night. On occasion I would ask (not often!) to switch this to a Saturday night for a function. This was always met with a sneer and an offhanded comment.

I never asked them to have the children overnight mind. She originally asked so that she could get to know her grand children. I always complied (as I did with the other nan before she sadly passed) and allowed them whatever time they wanted to bond with the children. Often getting many buses and completely putting myself out to ensure they could get the time they asked for.

Anyhow, as the years went by she simply forgot that it was she who had asked for the children overnight and suddenly she's going out of her way for me and i'm taking the P!!!

I did not appreciate this one little bit. I eventually assured my mother that if she did not wish to have the children over night then it wouldn't be an issue. I could still bring the children to come and see her on occasion if she would like but that she was by no means doing me any favours by having them as I was running myself completely ragged to get them there!

To enforce the issue we had bad weather for a couple of weeks and the children therefore did not end up going to their grand parents for 2 weeks in a row. I phoned my mother and gave her notice so she didn't cook them any dinner or arrange anything but told her that the children wouldn't be coming that week and if the snow was there, they wouldn't be coming the week after either. She asked what I would do!!! :eek: :eek: I said 'mother I have the children the other 6 nights of the week. What do you think I do with them then? Do you think it is going to be a big problem to have them one more?!'

Anyhow... after the two weeks she had missed them so much things changed. I would always say she didn't have to have them and she would always say no please bring them, I miss them when they don't come.

Complete turn around now and everyone is happy

I remember getting very upset at the time and thinking something had to change. I loved my mum dearly but didn't want a relationship so one sided to continue. I'm glad I piped up now.

We have another child on the way now and this one won't be staying over night. I have already addressed that issue. They don't have the room and I will be BF'ing and would be happier with baby here.

But it was good to clear the air at the time. If I was ever asked to pay her for this i'd have removed my children at once. She either see's the children because she wants to or she doesn't at all. There is no inbetween for me. I had nursery childcare for the 5 days a week I worked and wouldn't have dreamt of asking her to have them. Pay or not.

I think there is a fine line in families that needs not be crossed. I'd rather have my mum as a mum and grand mother than an employee. At least then everything is on an equal footing.

This is an excellent post :T

Jewel_2

kegg wrote: »

It is a bit different if nannie is having them 3 days a week so daughter can work rather than just an evening/night a week to give the parents a break.
I think it is an arrangement that has got out of hand and probably nannie never though it would mean she ends up minding 3 children over quite a long period.
£150 per month wont go far in covering out of pocket expenses so she is hardly making a fortune out of her daughter.
It is a big commitment that she has made over the years and i dont see much gratitude in the ops posts for this. She has saved her a small fortune plus giving her ease of mind that her children are in a secure enviroment whilst she works.
Now with the arrival of the new 4th it proabably seems to the nan that it is never ending and she is going to be tied for years more looking after her grandchild. She is getting older and could well be at the stage where she has just had enough.
Now is the time to sort out new childcare and let nannie and grandad go back to being grandparents who get to enjoy all the good things about children and then hand them back for their parents when they have had enough.

This is an excellent post too. I don't understand parents who think it is grandparents responsibility to help at all - it never crossed my mind. I cringe when I see grandparents getting tired of the grandkids because they've had them for too long.

gratefulforhelp_2

Ex-Spendaholic wrote: »

So do I:

1. Go round and tell them I'll pay the money each month for the next year but expect them to still have the kids the 3 afternoons?

2. Go round and tell them they can have the money but do naff all for it.

3. Go round and say they can have the money now but nothing when SMP kicks in.

4. Tell them they either see their grandchildren as grandchildren rather than moneyspinners and they are getting naff all?

I do feel a bit let down and hurt in all of this TBH.

This one, but if they kick off then 4 I'm afraid and you will need to find alternative childcare.

Congratulations! Hoping that things settle down for you.

nomnomnom

ailuro2 wrote: »

work out how much it would cost you to have a real childminder instead of someone who lets your child occupy themselves during the day.

Then realise you get what you pay for, and ask if you're happy to continue with the current arrangement.

I agree with ailuro2.

Personally I'd get your children into a proper, regulated childcare provider. As others have said, a childminder would probably be comparable in cost.

I work 2 days a week and I have twins that go to nursery. My wages barely cover the cost of them in there but it's worth it because I'm making a tiny bit of money and my kids are stimulated by the nursery environment. Sorry if I'm being judgemental, but I doubt your parents are providing much stimulation for your kids, I mean, do they take them to groups, libraries and places or do they just let them occupy themselves? In effect though you are emplying a member of your family and I just think this breeds resentment, so for all of your sakes (mother included!) look into a childminder and go back to Mum being there for occasional babysitting.

nomnomnom

Jewel wrote: »

This is an excellent post too. I don't understand parents who think it is grandparents responsibility to help at all - it never crossed my mind. I cringe when I see grandparents getting tired of the grandkids because they've had them for too long.

Problem is if you're young and have young kids, you probably can't see how tireing it is for older folk. If you have your kids later in life I think you wouldn't dare ask your parents to provide childcare as you'd know how exhausting it is for someone your age never mind your own Mother.