Opinions please on family child care issue

mishkanorman

Ex-Spendaholic wrote: »

If she didn't want to do it she wouldn't be long saying so. I'm more or less term time anyway as I have all the school holidays off apart from the 3 weeks in the summer that they have the 3 kids. During the school year if a random inset day comes up then I change my working day so that they still only have DD for the 3 days.

I think what she would ultimately like is for me to work from home, look after my own kids but still pay her.

I'm not looking for a childminder or anything now. If I was going down that route it would be December 2011 before I needed one (although I do realise the need to look in advance) The eldest will be 12.5 by then so I don't know if a childminder would be the right thing or not. He finishes school at 3.30 pm but intends to attend various activities on a couple of days a week which would have him in until 4.30 pm. I'm home at 5pm and he walks home anyway.

I can remember when I was around 8, and my sister would have been 9/10, and we would take ourselves home from school which was about 20mins walk away and entertain ourselves till mum or dad got home.

I think the problem you face is more your relationship with your mother than the childcare arrangement. Ive never used anyone for regular childcare for my kids so havent been in that situation, however me and my mum are prettty honest and straight foward with each other so it would be a case of setting down what we each need/want and finding a middle ground. Sounds like you cant do that here so for the sake of your relationship with her I would bite my tongue and walk away from the whole situation.

Remember you cant reason with the un-reasonable !

mishka

picnmix

Ex-Spendaholic wrote: »

The money issue came in when it was made clear to me when I was pregnant with the first (as I said before they hassled me continually that they wanted to mind) that they would not be doing it for nothing. I have to be totally honest and say that when I was pregnant with my first I had always planned to go down the route of a private day nursery or a childminder. It hadn't even occurred to me to ask the grandparents. The situation therefore arose at their insistence.

I offered £100 a month and they said at the time that this was fine. Then came baby number 2 and they said they wanted £150 per month. Again I complied.

I've continued to pay the £150 per month (which I know is cheap child care). However the money has always been a bit of a contentious issue. Just last month we were on holiday so didn't arrive back until the day after pay day. I called at my parent's house that evening to collect a parcel and her words were "are we not entitled to holiday pay any more?" It was said in an agressive way. I went to the cash machine there and then and got the money. I had intended to pay it anyway but I didn't see the need for any agression as I'd forgotten.

In addition to the fact that I pay this "nominal" amount, I also pay for a holiday for them each year. OK its not the Carribean, its in England where they want to go. It costs about £500. In addition if they ask me to collect something for a shop or order bits and pieces on the internet for them I don't take the money either.

For anyone who thinks I have taken over their lives I should point out that despite how this thread may read, they are the ones calling the shots. For example at Easter, the school is off for 2 weeks and I'm off those 2 weeks to look after the kids. Instead of them going on holiday in 1 of those 2 weeks they always go the week after meaning that OH and I have to juggle things to ensure we are here for 3 weeks child care. Pretty much the same thing happens in the summer. They will also decide they want to go on a day trip and that day trip must take place on a Thursday (one of my working days). Again one of us must take time off for this.

Hi again, just a point on your last paragraph above, it is a difficult situation when grandparents look after children regarding holidays, I think however you need to look at this a different way, my parents as I mentioned look after my kiddies whilst I work. I would never expect them to take their holidays when the schools were out, why would they want to have their holidays when everywhere full of kiddies, I completely understand this - it makes it difficult as I have to cover their breaks - they tend to stay at home for these - and it means I cant take as much time in the school hols as I would like, but is a small compromise to make on my behalf for the help they give me. Just my opinion, but sometimes we can look at things just from our own perspective and it does help to look on from outside.

Savvy_Sue

mishkanorman wrote: »

Remember you cant reason with the un-reasonable !

Very true!

Ex-Spendaholic

Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone for their responses on this thread. It has given me a lot to think about. I suppose if the 4th child hadn't been coming along the issue wouldn't really have arisen. What I would have done is carried on as we are and then in Dec 2011 when the youngest had started nursery and I was returning to work I would have changed my hours to 5 mornings and collected all the kids from school therefore needing no childcare.

I do need to sort things out though. I either pay them for the year I'm off or I don't. If I thought it was going to cause them financial hardship by not receiving the money then I would pay it but to an extent I do feel like I'm being taken as a mug. If they were reasonable people they would happily accept the payment during the time I'm on full pay ie 18 weeks at the beginning and then 6 weeks at the end due to annual leave but would realise that I shouldn't be paying £150 out of £330 SMP for receiving nothing in return. If I do pay for that year then its on the proviso that they will be returning to the arrangement of providing child care 3 days per week from Dec 2011. Its either that or make a fresh break ie go on maternity leave, tell them their services will no longer be required, find a nursery or childminder for the 4th child and change my hours so that the other 3 don't need any childcare.

At the moment I'm really not feeling very well. I'm 27 weeks pregnant. My OH is working really long hours (usually 12 hour days) and what I could really do with is a couple of days off work just to get a bit of rest. I'm feeling very stressed out at the moment which is so not like me. However if I take time off work sick then it is expected that I have the children. My parents unfortunately don't get the concept that if you aren't well enough from work then you shouldn't be running after 3 kids. Therefore I just keep going to work, coming home and looking after the kids, getting up in the morning exhausted and going to bed at night exhausted.

Time will tell. I'll update as and when decisions have been taken and inevitably tempers have flared.

Ex-Spendaholic

See your point Picnmix. My parents however for example at Easter time expect me to take the 2 weeks school holidays followed by the 1 week that they go away. This means I'm out of the workplace for 3 whole weeks or my OH has to take time. Being newly self-employed it is a costly business him having to do that so I do try to take the time instead. You would think in a reasonable compromise situation I could take one of the school holiday weeks off and then the other to cover their holidays but no they expect me to take the 3 weeks off and they still get paid for the whole month.

DaisyFlower

Ex-Spendaholic wrote: »

Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone for their responses on this thread. It has given me a lot to think about. I suppose if the 4th child hadn't been coming along the issue wouldn't really have arisen. What I would have done is carried on as we are and then in Dec 2011 when the youngest had started nursery and I was returning to work I would have changed my hours to 5 mornings and collected all the kids from school therefore needing no childcare.

I do need to sort things out though. I either pay them for the year I'm off or I don't. If I thought it was going to cause them financial hardship by not receiving the money then I would pay it but to an extent I do feel like I'm being taken as a mug. If they were reasonable people they would happily accept the payment during the time I'm on full pay ie 18 weeks at the beginning and then 6 weeks at the end due to annual leave but would realise that I shouldn't be paying £150 out of £330 SMP for receiving nothing in return. If I do pay for that year then its on the proviso that they will be returning to the arrangement of providing child care 3 days per week from Dec 2011. Its either that or make a fresh break ie go on maternity leave, tell them their services will no longer be required, find a nursery or childminder for the 4th child and change my hours so that the other 3 don't need any childcare.

At the moment I'm really not feeling very well. I'm 27 weeks pregnant. My OH is working really long hours (usually 12 hour days) and what I could really do with is a couple of days off work just to get a bit of rest. I'm feeling very stressed out at the moment which is so not like me. However if I take time off work sick then it is expected that I have the children. My parents unfortunately don't get the concept that if you aren't well enough from work then you shouldn't be running after 3 kids. Therefore I just keep going to work, coming home and looking after the kids, getting up in the morning exhausted and going to bed at night exhausted.

Time will tell. I'll update as and when decisions have been taken and inevitably tempers have flared.

Not read the whole thread but I can see things from both sides, you begrudge paying for a service that it not being provided and your parents lose income as you are choosing not to use their childcare "service". If you used a nursery or childminder, you would have to pull your children out for your maternity leave and hope there were places when you returned otherwise you would have to still pay.

Given that you pay so little for childcare for three children, personally i'd be very grateful and still pay unless you do plan on a change in childcare then I would pay x months notice. Perhaps they are feeling used that when you need them to have the children you expect them to be there but then drop them when you dont.

On the point of being sick, most people still have to look after children whilst they are ill so its not unique but if you are paying for the childcare it should be provided.

Savvy_Sue

Would it work to write your mother a letter, rather than talking to her face to face initially? You can set out the figures in black and white.

it would be like giving notice to a childminder ...

LilacPixie

Ex-Spendaholic - you prediciment is the polar opposite to mine. I can't really offer advice other than to say what do you think of £150 a month plus costs for value for money. Maybe think of it like they have the kids for 45 weeks out of 52 say. your pay then 12 payment sof £150 which is £1800 so that works out as £40 a week. £40 a week sounds very reasonable for the care they do.

The issue of maternity leave is a peach. quite honestly with your OH being newly self employed and SMP being about £115 a week can you afford to still be paying them and covering your other bills? If the answer is no or i'm not sure then you need to tell them that. Sorry mum but if i keep giving you £150 a month while on maternity leave then i can't pay my counciltax type thing.

Ex-Spendaholic

DaisyFlower wrote: »

On the point of being sick, most people still have to look after children whilst they are ill so its not unique but if you are paying for the childcare it should be provided.

Yes I fully accept that but surely if I work 3 days per week and the grandparents mind the kids 3 days per week if I take 1 of those days off sick then I should be able to still send the kids there rather than them seeing it as yet another holiday? If it were a childminder/nursery I would (and yes I know they cost more)

I agree that £150 per month is not a lot of money in the grand scheme of things. I've just been counting up and generally they have the kids 38 out of the 52 weeks per year.

I think a key issue in all of this is that my parents are under the belief that we are loaded. They do not believe that my employer doesn't pay me full pay for the whole year of maternity leave and they do not believe that it is difficult to get a business off the ground. Unfortunately if I said to my mother if I pay you when I'm on SMP then I can't pay the mortgage, council tax or whatever she would tell me thats my problem. :mad:

Brighton_belle

OP - can you take sick leave and not tell your parents you are off sick? Why would they need to know you are actually off back home after dropping them off? They obviously don't care if you are ill.

I do find it distressing that your own parents think you are a liar and a fantasist:(