Family vs The Law: eep, what should I do?

Savvy_Sue

Badger_Lady wrote: »

Although I sincerely doubt that she would dump me in it (she'd readily dump other people in it but would draw the line at her own sister), the potential repercussions are huge.

You think?

Badger_Lady wrote: »

So what do I do about sis stuck in a foreign country with no money?

I could send her some without her knowing... I've got her bank details from June, although if she's doing this a lot perhaps they'll have changed..? Do I take the risk putting money I can't afford to lose into a machine that might not even put it in her account?

I can't just leave her stranded and starving abroad - that's not what families are for.

From later posts, she's found a friend. Let her scrounge off them for a bit.

Draw a line, tell her where it is, and stay your side of it. If she chooses to fall out with you as a result, that's her choice, not your fault.

Penny-Pincher!!

Hi BL

Can I ask what you would suggest to your kids if they came to you and had been put in this same predicament?

Your sister is living her life the way SHE has chosen to do so. Actions face consequences and she is big enough to make her decisions and pay the price whatever they may be. Lying and committing fraud will not help her or you! A criminal record will have HUGE consequences on your life and nobody is worth that.

She is an adult...let her behave like one!

PP
xx

clairehi

Badger_Lady wrote: »

I can just avoid answering my office telephone today (no-one important ever rings anyway) and tell her they never called.

If anyone calls for her, tell them they have the wrong number - leave it at that.

Don't do the card application for her.

You are not doing her any good at all by taking part in a fraud.

If she takes on these debts the next thing will be her asking you for money to pay them off.

She is an adult and not your responsibility. Someone on another thread here came up with the idea of a "Someone Else's Problem" field - and this is definitely "Someone Else's Problem" not yours.

Badger_Lady

Just to update... I haven't been answering my phone at work (not a problem - anyone who needs me emails or calls my work mobile), and told my sister that they haven't called yet.

So she confirmed her bank details and I've just put £500 in to cover her hotel bill and food while she's out there. She's due back to the UK in the next couple of days and says "it's not a cash problem, just a cashflow problem innit!". She can arrange her own loans etc when she gets back - I don't need to know!

Badger_Lady

Big fat HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

Just answered my phone at work and got a scottish voice asking, "Can I speak to [sister's name] please?"

I said there's no-one of that name here, and my name is Badger_Lady.

"Is she a relation of yours, no?"

"No."

End of conversation.

HMMMMMM.

Errata

Badger_Lady wrote: »

Just to update... I haven't been answering my phone at work (not a problem - anyone who needs me emails or calls my work mobile), and told my sister that they haven't called yet.

So she confirmed her bank details and I've just put £500 in to cover her hotel bill and food while she's out there. She's due back to the UK in the next couple of days and says "it's not a cash problem, just a cashflow problem innit!". She can arrange her own loans etc when she gets back - I don't need to know!

Clearly that hasn't happened. your £500 has quite probably gone up in a puff of smoke.
You've given her enough for her to stand on her own two feet - now let her. If you're wise you'll check your credit score every day.

Badger_Lady

Oh, she's back all right. Sorry - forgot to explain that In fact I saw her just last weekend.

She's replied on email, "thanks, don't worry about it, ancient history, should peter away soon."

So I'd probably best stop blogging

CheeseCat

I'm really sorry but I fail to see why you have such a laidback attitude to this whole situation?

Surely what i've highlighted below hints that she has obviously been involved in drugs if she had 'real withdrawal symptoms' - what makes you think after your 2 weeks away she wasn't straight back on whatever substance she felt withdrawal from?

I would seriously question how much she cares for you if she's willing to involve you in her fraud attempts, and thats just what you know about!

Very odd.:eek:

Badger_Lady wrote: »

I don't think she is addicted. Really don't, actually. The two of us took a week abroad to visit distant family members in June, and she treated it as a detox opportunity - had real withdrawal symptoms the first night but then relaxed and had fun. So thats ok then?

I bet she'd struggle to find drugs during a week's holiday to a foreign country (where she is now).

It's just that she's lost the will to work, and isn't entitled to benefits. She has a legitimate debt from her house sale and is accustomed to being able to afford any luxury she wants (hangover from the salaried job she quit). Her new group of friends are largely homeless (living in campervans etc), jobless and living the hippy lifestyle so she's felt no impotus to get off her bum.

I expect she might find the reality of it harsher in winter...

Badger_Lady

Hey, she's got my credit card and PIN at the moment... I trust her not to abuse it (and check online daily in case she does!).

balletshoes

Badger_Lady wrote: »

Okay, I'm having a very genuine dilemma here, and would really appreciate some perspective!

My family is somewhat sprawled: my parents and a lot of other relatives are abroad, I have a pair of grandparents 150 miles away and a set of cousins 400 miles away... and then there's my sister, my only sibling, who's just slightly younger than me and lives just 100 miles away. She is, in every respect, my closest family member.

She went through a bit of a life crisis this year, when she suddenly realised that she was living a middle-class hell of mortgage, office job and engagement to a not-very-nice man. So she dumped the fiance, quit the job and moved into a mate's spare room. All good so far.

She got a well-paid job in a nightclub (I won't go into detail but suffice to say she enjoyed it), and continued to pay her half of the mortgage until the house was sold. She started to live a quite luxurious lifestyle with parties, manicures and professional hair styling on a weekly basis. I was very pleased for her.

Then she stopped bothering with work, stopped looking after her appearance, fell out with her mate and is now a smelly dreadlocked skank kipping on people's sofas and blagging from mates (I don't know how much, but I've sent her bits of money when she's called). At this point I started to think she may have gone too far...

Now she's avoiding paying her half of the deficit that the housesale caused... her ex is suing her for around £4k but she has no 'fixed abode', no telephone and has changed her name by deed poll, so he may not be able to trace her. Starting to sound dodgy (even I'm not allowed to know the address she's sleeping at).

And today, the pinnacle. She messaged me from abroad (where she's having a week-long visit with friends), asking me to answer my landline phone pretending to be her. Whilst this in itself is fine with permission, the list of details she sent "in case they ask" include her old mortgaged house as 'current address', her old office employer as 'current occupation' and her old salary as 'income'. None of these things are true any more.

After a brief phonecall, she gave me scant detail, but it seems clear to me that she's applied for a loan that she never intends to repay. The company in question speaks to its customers via two different phone numbers as verification, without performing a credit check, and then presumably charges a high APR. Of course, if she then closes the bank account, they're left with a false name, false address, false employment details and, um, my phone number. I should stress that she hasn't told me this is what she's doing, I've made the deduction myself.

I just don't know what to do. I love her and would do anything for her, but I'm just compulsively honest and this doesn't sit right. Could I not be putting myself in legal dirty waters? She claims that she'll be out of money tomorrow and needs it in order to eat. I'd happily send her some of my money (not that I've got any more - it would be my overdraft)... but I can just hear her now: "why the hell did you send me more money that I have to owe you, when I could have just got some for free and paid you back?"

She will be absolutely livid if I don't do this. Is it really that wrong?

Well quite apart from the fact that its totally wrong of your sister to consider it, never mind expect you to do the lying for her over the phone, what do you think will happen if you do it, she gets her loan, defaults on it, and the loan company start looking for the money? I'll tell you whats likely to happen - the loan company, or a debt collection agency on their behalf, or a solicitors office on their behalf, will be phoning the only contact number they have for her (ie your phone line) all day every day.

Its quite clear that you love your sister, but honestly this path could end up with you scared to answer your own phone - don't do it.

ETA - sorry didn't realise you'd originally posted this 2 months ago. I do agree with others though, every time you bail her out (whether she asks for money or not) you're enabling her not to sort herself out and support herself. If she's not up for working 9-5 for a living, absolutely fair enough, but she's an adult, not a child, so she should be responsible for making her own money, not taking money from you.