Im a bad mother....

mishkanorman

pulliptears wrote: »

Its not just her room, I should explain a bit more...

My MIL is the type that believes kids (and husbands) should be waited on hand and foot. When DD was small if I refused to let her have chocolate before a meal or some other such sin MIL would say to DD "Ooh she's a wicked mother". After a massive argument she finally stopped saying that one. As DD got older she would laze on MIL's sofa and shout for food/drink etc, MIL would stop what she was doing and get it. While she was there she never lifted a finger and despite our protests it never changed.

She came into MIL's lounge the other night with a FAB Lolly, when I came to sit on the sofa DD had gone off to do something else and the wrapper was still on the sofa!! I shouted her back and made her shift it, "she's ok" comes the usual reply from MIL. I point out she would not do it at home and Im not letting her do it here.

The behaviour carries through at home, if she has a dish we are lucky for it to make it to the sink, if it does it just gets placed in there unwashed. We have tried all sorts of punishments but its quickly forgotten. Its incredibly frustrating as she is a brilliant kid otherwise, she just expects everything done for her thanks to MIL.

I have always operated on the "Your room, your mess" theory, but as she is living in a dreamworld I have to go in there quite a lot to retrieve things or change the bed etc, most of the time I cant get through the door. She lost her phone charger about 2 weeks ago. I know its in her room but she cant be bothered to look properly. Fair enough I said when her phone is flat she will look herself. 2 weeks on its still missing, the phone is flat and she really isn't bothered about looking for it.

I really am at my wits end. Nothing seems to phase her at all.

She needs a cleaner, sounds like your MIL is the perfect candidate

If MIL believes dd behaviour is acceptable then I would sit them both down and state either dd does it or MIL does, either way it WILL be done !

BillTrac

My eldest daughter has always been an untidy person.

All through her teens her bedroom was a tip. She is 26 now, doesn't live at home anymore and the room she used is full of her b****y rubbish!!!!

I can't count the amount of cutlery and crockery we have 'lost' over the years.

She has just announced that she has moved out for good. Now I can have the room as an office, and guest room. But I expect I will need a skip for all the junk...:rotfl:

If only my personal life was good we would have a spare room...:eek:

Mupette

no your not a bad mother.

I like brians daughter's mum's tactics.

look for the swimming costume... no


if she hadn't already packed then i would of refused to pack for her, if it's not packed tough luck.

DS last night text me and asked would i go home, find his beret and then take it to him at air cadets, i refused.

He has to learn to take responsibility for things, i can't be chasing around for him all the time.

Stick to your guns

gottodothis_2

Not the worst room I have seen!

I have my neices living with me. Their room was beautiful, newly decorated, new furniture, tv, Wii etc.

Withing two weeks the furniture was broken, the wallpaper torn off, new carpet stained etc

Their clothes, clean and dirty are in their beds.

It used to really really annoy me. But now they have no tv, the wii is downstairs. They still have the broken furniture, the room is a tip.

When the social worker visited they tried to blame me, they wanted it all redecorated and to have another new carpet.. She told them that at 8 and 14 their room is their resposibility and the rest of the house is mine.


I have said in front of her that i won't redecorate it, they chose to live that way now they can get on with it!
The older one has to do her own washing, she often forgets. This week she had no clean clothes to go to her club in (oh dear!!) The 8 year olds has to put the washing in the basket and bring it down or it doesn't get washed.
They want their own room and i have enough space for this, but i will not reward their lack of respect for their room, their stuff and my house by giving them their own rooms.

Every Saturday their room has to be tidied or we don't go out, stay up late etc!

Personally i would leave her to it, remove her stuff as you said...and shut the door.

VK-2008

ok i understand both you and your daughter side i think

when i grew up i was like the messiest teenager clothes lying everywhere, room a tip, everything upside down literally, but to me it was ORGANISED CHAOS

the thing is the dirtyness - i know thats not proper english but one thing my parents done to me was get your own back - does that make sense - what they done was nothing, they never washed my clothes, they didnt cook my food, give me pocket money. they made me fend for myself, and you know what it worked. i had the whole tv out room, no amenities in room just me and my clothes, had too cook and clean myself, was grounded so no friends allowed round and i could not go out. no pocket money so i had to earn my own keep. it may sound harsh but after recently moving into my own home it has taught me sooo much

teenagers are teenagers and they do cause problems but you need to be strick and structured dont let them off with stuff and if you say something follow through do not give in, its no good in the longterm

babyshoes

I agree with the others who make the distinction between messy and unhygenic. My OH and I are very messy people, but we do keep the place fairly clean - especially the kitchen and bathroom.

I had a similarly messy bedroom as a teenager (though without the mouldering food), and I do think that she probably doesn't know where to start, so perhaps breaking it into chunks would help, perhaps one task per day or similar - and you can tailor the task to the time available. For example, you might say: I want all the plates, cups, glasses, cutlery etc in your room brought downstairs in the next hour (or before bed/lunch/supper time) or you can't <do something she wants>; or Everything on the floor needs to be put away in its correct place before you can <do something desirable>; or Please sort all the clothes on the floor and on your bed into clean and dirty piles, then put the clean clothes in your cupboard and the dirty ones in this basket. Do it now or you won't be allowed to <have your friend round> etc.

Make it specific and limited, rather than just telling her to 'tidy up', as she may have a different idea of what 'tidy' means! If you do expect her to do it all at once, you could do as someone suggested and keep her company, telling her what to do next by breaking it into smaller tasks, keeping her on task and holding the bin bag! There is also no reason why you couldn't pitch in here and there if she is co-operating well, but obviously if she is not doing it willingly then don't! For example you could say: Why don't you give me that pile of clean clothes and I will fold them for you while you get on with <next job> - she has done the important work of sorting them, you are just helping her to get the whole lot done a bit quicker by taking on some of the menial tasks here and there.

heretolearn_2

For crying out loud it's her room. If she wants to live in a mess just shut the door and don't look. Why do you care?

I don't think a few sweet wrappers are unhygienic.

If she wants her knickers hanging out of the drawer, so what?

BillTrac

heretolearn wrote: »

For crying out loud it's her room. If she wants to live in a mess just shut the door and don't look. Why do you care?

I don't think a few sweet wrappers are unhygienic.

If she wants her knickers hanging out of the drawer, so what?

Hardly her room. Who the hell pays for it? Or are parents not allowed standards anymore in our namby-pamby society?

I pay a mortgage on my house. My daughter(until recently)lived here. She contributed nothing, as I guess a 13 year old won't contribute. So I think that the OP has EVERY right to have some control over her own house.

I suppose you're the sort who thinks that your parents are only here to give you an easy life.

VK-2008

kids need to take responsibility how will they cope when they do get round to moving out

kids need discipline

if they dont get it things go wrong

there is nothing wrong with being strict its never harmed anyone

and turn it the other way whats wrong with having a tidy room

take it too extremes what happens if her daughter got took into hospital and she had to find jammies and clothes and the room is a mess

at end of day the parents pay the bills they have final say

mumps

I know this is a bit extreme but do think carefully before you take "her" things off her. If they are things you bought for her, birthday or Christmas presents or things that you said were for her not just things you own but put in her room, then giving them away or throwing them away can cause problems.

My husband is untidy as are my sons, someone said it was a girl thing but believe me it isn't just girls. When my husband was about 11 or 12 his mother decided to teach him a lesson and made him watch while she gave his things away. He never forgave her, and I mean never. She is dead now, they were always in touch, he visited regularly and she was devoted gran to our kids. He never accepted another present off her after she threw his things out. She would buy him stuff and come on his birthday or at Christmas and his presents would sit there. When she left he threw them in the bin. His view, right or wrong, was that if you give someone a present then it is theirs. If presents come as a loan they are not a present. In many ways they were close but to her dying day she wanted him to have presents from her. She didn't know what he did with presents, he would thank her and put them on one side. He had no problem with her giving presents to me or the children but it caused them both pain for many years. I think he is more stubborn than most but I thought I would just share this.