Im a bad mother....

lauhen

So are you telling me it doesn't get easier the older they get, my daughter is 8 going on 18 and I'm having these issues now, I've tried allsorts to sort it out, I am now on the chores for pocket money and a weekly room inspection with the first being Sunday, I have also told her that when we are at the shops to not ask for anything as I am not buying it (such as a toy, cd etc) I want her to understand.

PolishBigSpender

I'd leave her to it, after all, she has to live in this mess. Just tell her to keep he door closed!

PolishBigSpender

BillTrac wrote: »

Hardly her room. Who the hell pays for it? Or are parents not allowed standards anymore in our namby-pamby society?

I pay a mortgage on my house. My daughter(until recently)lived here. She contributed nothing, as I guess a 13 year old won't contribute. So I think that the OP has EVERY right to have some control over her own house.

I suppose you're the sort who thinks that your parents are only here to give you an easy life.

Than why do you call it "her room"? Tell her it's borrowed and she should be thanking her parents every day that they allow her to live there.
Do people really have kids for the sake of having someone grateful to them? Like it or not, you've got a duty to provide food and accommodation to your own child.
I hate the way some people keep stressing that it's THEIR house and they allow their children to live there. How kind of them indeed! In my view, a house belongs to the whole family and no one should be made to feel like they are some sort of lodgers!

To be honest, why do you care? If she wants to live like that, let her. She'll start to tidy up when she gets a boyfriend!

System

Make her clean the room.

At about 14 my room was an abomination. you actually couldn't see the floor for crap and rubbish. one day my mum had had enough. She came up with bin bags and we spent the WHOLE day cleaning the room from top to bottom. At one point there were that many bin bags we were trapped in the room and my poor dad had top scale a ladder to bring my mum a drink! :eek: She basically told me if didn't help she would throw EVERyTHING out, and she meant it. I tell you now, after that day my room at home was NEVER a mess again as i never wanted to go through cleaning it again.*

*though since moving to my own place..i'm still messy

Mojisola

What would have annoyed me if my kids had been like this is the disrespect it shows. Someone has worked to earn the money to buy everything in that room. If belongings are treated like this, it shows the child doesn't value what she has.

r.mac_2

pulliptears wrote: »

Its not just her room, I should explain a bit more...

My MIL is the type that believes kids (and husbands) should be waited on hand and foot. When DD was small if I refused to let her have chocolate before a meal or some other such sin MIL would say to DD "Ooh she's a wicked mother". After a massive argument she finally stopped saying that one. As DD got older she would laze on MIL's sofa and shout for food/drink etc, MIL would stop what she was doing and get it. While she was there she never lifted a finger and despite our protests it never changed.

She came into MIL's lounge the other night with a FAB Lolly, when I came to sit on the sofa DD had gone off to do something else and the wrapper was still on the sofa!! I shouted her back and made her shift it, "she's ok" comes the usual reply from MIL. I point out she would not do it at home and Im not letting her do it here.

The behaviour carries through at home, if she has a dish we are lucky for it to make it to the sink, if it does it just gets placed in there unwashed. We have tried all sorts of punishments but its quickly forgotten. Its incredibly frustrating as she is a brilliant kid otherwise, she just expects everything done for her thanks to MIL.

I have always operated on the "Your room, your mess" theory, but as she is living in a dreamworld I have to go in there quite a lot to retrieve things or change the bed etc, most of the time I cant get through the door. She lost her phone charger about 2 weeks ago. I know its in her room but she cant be bothered to look properly. Fair enough I said when her phone is flat she will look herself. 2 weeks on its still missing, the phone is flat and she really isn't bothered about looking for it.

I really am at my wits end. Nothing seems to phase her at all.

pulliptears wrote: »

It does drive me mad. OH and I have been together for 16 years and it took around 4 years of rows and me presenting him with a bill for childcare and housekeeping before he got the idea that he had to help
Fortunately, he now 'gets it' and is on my side. We have had words with MIL and pointed out how this is causing friction at home, it lasts a week or two then she reverts to type. She will not change.

DD is however old enough now to realise that there is a difference between home and Nana's house and that she wont get the same treatment at home.

Funny thing is we have an older son who received the same treatment, yet managed to be perfectly tidy and clean.

I just wanted to sympathise with you pupiltears. My MIL is exactly like yours and my husband is very much the worse for it. My LO is only 18 months so not onto phase 2 yet! Unless people experience this type of disrespect for objects, people and our home, they will never quite see the problem.

I hope that the holiday goes well and the room situation was resolved. DO come back and tell us how your plan of action was received!

tiamai_d

I think telling her to tidy all of it is pushing too hard.

Start by making a few hygiene rules. No food waste, (food on plates or wrappers) no plates, dishes, cups, glasses, no dirty washing left lying. Spills must be cleaned up straight away. Once that is sorted you can introduce more to help with the untidiness.

Savvy_Sue

Jinx wrote: »

She is now packing for Uni and 'sorting' hmmm looks like an excuse for more mess to me. Heyho, I'm sure I'll miss it soon....:o

I've sent two off to Uni, and the 3rd goes this year. I am dreading the state he will leave his room in, I can't get in, the OP's DD's room is NOTHING on his, although I don't think there are many plates buried because I yell whenever I see one! He also 'spreads': tonight he's had the wheel off his bike in the lounge, his amp and guitars appear all round the house, he's like an amorphous blob ...

mishkanorman wrote: »

She needs a cleaner, sounds like your MIL is the perfect candidate

If MIL believes dd behaviour is acceptable then I would sit them both down and state either dd does it or MIL does, either way it WILL be done !

Now that could be worth a try: for how long will DD want MIL going through her things, finding her pills / condoms, reading her diaries etc? :rotfl:

Bitsy_Beans

PolishBigSpender wrote: »

Than why do you call it "her room"? Tell her it's borrowed and she should be thanking her parents every day that they allow her to live there.
Do people really have kids for the sake of having someone grateful to them? Like it or not, you've got a duty to provide food and accommodation to your own child.
I hate the way some people keep stressing that it's THEIR house and they allow their children to live there. How kind of them indeed! In my view, a house belongs to the whole family and no one should be made to feel like they are some sort of lodgers!

To be honest, why do you care? If she wants to live like that, let her. She'll start to tidy up when she gets a boyfriend!

I grew up having to keep my room tiday and dear God I was even expected to dust it. didn't make me feel like a lodger though. why would it? I wasn't allowed to trash the living room so why should I feel like I am in a position to do that to my bedroom. What's wrong with showing a little respect for personal belongings?
Honestly it feels like kids today are treated like mini adults but without actually having to take responsibility for anything. No wonder some of them have such a p!ss poor attitude to life.
Oh dear we can't make little Mary or Johnny keep their room clean and tidy because they should have the right to live in a hovel, it might make them feel like a lodger in their house. Oh !!!!!! give me a break. There is far too much navel gazing going on these days at how someone "might" feel.

Mojisola

It's interesting the number of replies that say - it's her room, let her do as she wants in it.

Compare that to the recent thread asking if parents allowed their unmarried children to have their partners stay over in the same room - the vast majority of replies said - it's your house, it's your rules. Why doesn't that apply here?