Im a bad mother....

pulliptears

...and right now I dont care. I mentioned in another thread about my almost 13 year old daughter and her complete disregard for our home. My MIL waits on her hand and foot meaning that at home she is lazy to say the least. We have been fighting an ongoing battle for 12 months over her small boxroom bedroom, its a tip. Ive tried every method, removing her laptop, TV etc. Ive packed the lot into bin bags and given her an hour to sort them or they go to the tip etc. It all works until the next time....

We go on holiday on Saturday, and today she has gone to visit her Aunt in Lincs with my MIL who is coming on holiday with us. the plan being she stays in Lincs tonight with her Aunt (MIL is coming home tonight) and comes home late friday evening with her aunt. We then all travel together on Saturday. DD has just called and told me she has forgotten to pack her swimming costume and will I have a look for it...

I've set one foot inside her room, to call it a tip is an understatement. Clothes are hanging out of drawers, her laptop is switched on, bed unmade, papers, sweet wrappers all over the floor etc. Bear in mind this is how she intended on leaving it while we are away. I've called her at her Aunts house and told her in no uncertain terms she is to come home with MIL tonight, she is NOT staying at her Aunts and tomorrow she sorts out the tip before we go on holiday. Much sobbing and wailing ensued but this time I am not backing down.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for 'own space' and I rarely need to go into DS's room because he is fairly tidy, but when it comes to her leaving food waste and wrappers everywhere I draw the line.

Anyone have any solutions?

brians_daughter

just incase it makes you feel a tad batter i was exactly the same at 13 (minus the food in room - my parents never allowed that)

My mum reigned me in by doing the following...all very embarrassing now i must admit!

She moved everything out my room except the bed and a small bedside chest of draws and i mean everything minus bed, chest of drawers and the light bulb!!

My clothes went in her wardrobe and everyday she told me what i had to wear even at weekends. She took them out of her wardrobe and left them over the bannister for me! No desk for home work.... that all had to be done at the dining table. Everything that i 'didnt need' such as toys, posters, books etc were bagged up and put in attic - she told me she had thrown them away - and kept it up for 3 months!! Everything i did need was kept in her room or downstairs.

It took me a week to realise that this wasnt cricket and i hated it! It took me 2 months to convince her i had changed, and 3 months to get everything back... i doubt it is a coincidence that now, some 20 years later i run a clean, tidy and shipshape house...not 1 thing is ever out of place when it isnt being used, and that includes my 3 ds's toys/belongings

Dramatic measures i know, but it worked for me!!!

ETA i was told it wasnt a punishment but just the way things had to be as i couldnt look after my own 6 foot square box room. I was still allowed to go out, do whatever but when i got back my room was close to cell, not only in size but in belongings too

julie03

when my DS(16) room gets too bad he is not allowed out till its done at least reasonably and as he has a GF who he cant seem to go 1 day without seeing at the moment its not to bad

if she is sociable and likes being with her friends, i would ground her until its done, this works for us

balletshoes

To be perfectly honest, I'd just leave it a tip - but like you, I'd be making her come home to find her own swimming costume in the tip, I wouldn't be looking for it (where would you start????).

I was exactly the same as a teenager (in fact, I'm picturing my little teenage bedroom right now) - my room was a complete tip, almost all the time. Didn't kill me, and if I really wanted to wear something clean etc, I just had to learn to put stuff in the washing machine.

Keep the door closed, don't blow a gasket - to me, this isn't an issue worth having a constant battle over - not at your daughter's age.

julie03

brians daughter

wow thats drastic, but very effective

RAS

We (shared room) were warned that if we did not clear up, everything would go in the bin. We ignored the warning and it did. Cue: two girls sneaking downstairs in the dead of night to retrieve stuff and hide it in the shed. Since it could not be seen again for a while, things were a lot tidier for a while.

BitterAndTwisted

No, you are definitely NOT a bad mother. You sound like a very patient and long-suffering one albeit one who seems to be searching for a rod for her own back.

I think you were quite right not to be searching through the midden of her room for her cossie but as balletshoes advised I really do think you should close that bedroom door and never, ever go in there again. It's her space and her mess and she should be the one to clear it up but as long as you keep on at her I doubt she'll do it, so give your nerves a rest and just leave it be.

euronorris

Perhaps you can make tidying her room a daily chore. Then, check she's done it, and if she hasn't, insist she does it there and then, or something is removed/no dinner (substitute with whatever is most appropriate).

Praise her when she does it without prompting/moaning, and don't give in when she's complaining about having to do it.

It sounds like she's just never picked up the habit of tidying as she goes, so you need to introduce it into her routine. Otherwise, she'll tidy it one weekend and then leave it for another 4 weeks again. She needs to create a tidying habit and all should be well.

HTH. x

Becles

My boys are 11 and 13. If their rooms are messy they get grounded and electronics are banned until they tidy their room. They soon learned if they loll around the room and faff about, they end up grounded for hours. If they tidy it up quick and keep it tidy they get everything back quicker!

On a weekend, they're not allowed anything until their rooms have been hoovered and dusted.

gratefulforhelp_2

If MIL is exacerbating the problem, maybe less exposure to MIL if she won't sing from the same hymn sheet?

pelirocco

The food could be a problem as my son found out when a mouse woke him in the middle of the night having a feast !!