Im a bad mother....

red_devil

pulliptears wrote: »

Its not just her room, I should explain a bit more...

My MIL is the type that believes kids (and husbands) should be waited on hand and foot. When DD was small if I refused to let her have chocolate before a meal or some other such sin MIL would say to DD "Ooh she's a wicked mother". After a massive argument she finally stopped saying that one. As DD got older she would laze on MIL's sofa and shout for food/drink etc, MIL would stop what she was doing and get it. While she was there she never lifted a finger and despite our protests it never changed.

She came into MIL's lounge the other night with a FAB Lolly, when I came to sit on the sofa DD had gone off to do something else and the wrapper was still on the sofa!! I shouted her back and made her shift it, "she's ok" comes the usual reply from MIL. I point out she would not do it at home and Im not letting her do it here.

The behaviour carries through at home, if she has a dish we are lucky for it to make it to the sink, if it does it just gets placed in there unwashed. We have tried all sorts of punishments but its quickly forgotten. Its incredibly frustrating as she is a brilliant kid otherwise, she just expects everything done for her thanks to MIL.

I have always operated on the "Your room, your mess" theory, but as she is living in a dreamworld I have to go in there quite a lot to retrieve things or change the bed etc, most of the time I cant get through the door. She lost her phone charger about 2 weeks ago. I know its in her room but she cant be bothered to look properly. Fair enough I said when her phone is flat she will look herself. 2 weeks on its still missing, the phone is flat and she really isn't bothered about looking for it.

I really am at my wits end. Nothing seems to phase her at all.

send her to boarding school that will sort it!

Sounds like you need less to do with the mother in law either.

take the laptop away for heavens sake forever. Mobile phones laptops etc they just arent grateful or prepared to look after things.

Courgette

WestonDave wrote: »

I would be tempted whilst you are away to find a quiet moment when her brother is off so its just you, her and your OH, and make it clear that from the time you return she has a choice. She can either live like a civilised member of the family, or she can live completely like trailer trash. The latter option means you won't be washing her clothes (or paying for new smart ones), you won't be cooking her decent meals - diet of cheapo chicken nuggets and chips, you won't be making an effort to get her up for school, driving her to activities etc. In other words if she wants the benefits of being part of a civilised family as I'm sure you want to be, then she needs to learn its not a hotel and she has to pull her weight

Don't forget tough that she's 13 - that's a lot of rope to let her hang herself with. Really honestly truely could you do that to your child?

I'm sorry OP I don't have anything constructive to offer but I am following this thread closely. I have a 12.5yo DS who, like your daughter, is lovely but just sooooo lazy when it comes to boring chores. I'd be tempted in the first instance to remove her laptop (it's a fire-risk to be left on like that) and not even bother trying to find her swimming costume but other than that I'm not really sure.

Good luck with it, and I really feel your pain

ETA: As for her phone not being charged, could you just do this quietly - ie not point out the fact that you are recharging and replacing her phone for her. I'm heavily pregnant at the moment so really need DS to have his phone on him but have run out of energy when it comes to getting him to remember to charge it. Now I just do it, and I know it's done

pulliptears

Dont get me wrong, I don't expect her to be spotless, god knows I wasn't. But I don't expect to have to come home to her dishes and sweet wrappers in the lounge, her shoes in the bathroom or her coat thrown somewhere between the hall and the dining room. I don't want to fall over her school bag on the stairs. I expect to be able to go into her room to leave her washing on her bed and not have to physically force the door. I don't expect to have to remove 30 items of junk from her bedroom window in order to raise her blinds etc.

WestonDave

Courgette wrote: »

Don't forget tough that she's 13 - that's a lot of rope to let her hang herself with. Really honestly truely could you do that to your child?

Fair point I had thought she was older for some reason - that said it does depend on her personality. Some kids will quickly start to worry about spots, smelling, missing out on activities with friends and so it will be a quick lesson. If however she's the sort that would stick it out just to prove that she wasn't bothered to the point where you would have to cave in then its not going to work whether she's 12 or 22 - that comes down to knowing your own child.

paddy's_mum

I certainly think that food of any sort (including sweets) should be banned from her bedroom, if only for reasons of basic hygiene. The thought of furry things infesting the home is enough to make me shudder ...

DaveLy

Kids do this to generally weak minded parents.

If my kids did this, they know exactly my immediate response, bag and bin. Take them shopping with the laptop in a bag, and with her, give it to a charity shop, considering she thinks your a charity with the electric :-)

I'd also be sure they knew I was finding the situation amusing and laugh harder when they cry. I wouldn't show that i'm upset or annoyed, thats the worst thing you can do.

Now my kids for the very reason of knowing my strict response, simply don't cross the line.

Lit_Up

Is it really any of your business how she keeps her room? I was messy as hell until I was about 18. Why did I change? I started to get interested in interior design and didn't find a messy room aesthetically appealing, also I wanted to impress girls. A messy room is just a phase kids go through, and it was one of the worst things I felt for a mother to do, to go into my room, rearrange everything and stick it away where I had no idea where anything was. You brought her into the world, she didn't ask for it, the room you've given her is pretty crap as it is, just let her keep her own tiny corner of the world as she likes it. Once she starts to have boys round she'll probably tidy it up! She doesn't go into your room and mess with your stuff, does she?

balletshoes

I can feel your frustration OP, and I do sympathise with you.

If she has to be pushed to do chores she is getting pocket money for, I'd only be reminding her to do them once, and then not mentioning it again. I'd keep a note of everything she was supposed to do and didn't, then when it comes to pocket-money day, she wouldn't be getting it if she hadn't done the chores.

Could you re-jig the chores she's expected to do to earn her pocket money ie making putting her clothes away in her room daily one of them? Same deal, one reminder, if she doesn't do it, no pocket money for that portion.

As for the phone not being charged, if you don't want to do it yourself so she has it on and you need to contact her, I'd be tempted to tell her she can't go out until her phone is charged, as you need to be able to get hold of her in an emergency. Either that or you tell her what time she has to be back home if she doesn't have her phone with her, and first time she is late home, she's lost the privilege of going out without her phone, charged, again.

I do agree that she is old enough to be taking responsibility for her own stuff - and if pocket money is a bargaining tool, I'd be using that to the max in your situation, as all else seems to have failed so far.

Mr.Mulla

brians_daughter wrote: »

just incase it makes you feel a tad batter i was exactly the same at 13 (minus the food in room - my parents never allowed that)

My mum reigned me in by doing the following...all very embarrassing now i must admit!

She moved everything out my room except the bed and a small bedside chest of draws and i mean everything minus bed, chest of drawers and the light bulb!!

My clothes went in her wardrobe and everyday she told me what i had to wear even at weekends. She took them out of her wardrobe and left them over the bannister for me! No desk for home work.... that all had to be done at the dining table. Everything that i 'didnt need' such as toys, posters, books etc were bagged up and put in attic - she told me she had thrown them away - and kept it up for 3 months!! Everything i did need was kept in her room or downstairs.

It took me a week to realise that this wasnt cricket and i hated it! It took me 2 months to convince her i had changed, and 3 months to get everything back... i doubt it is a coincidence that now, some 20 years later i run a clean, tidy and shipshape house...not 1 thing is ever out of place when it isnt being used, and that includes my 3 ds's toys/belongings

Dramatic measures i know, but it worked for me!!!

ETA i was told it wasnt a punishment but just the way things had to be as i couldnt look after my own 6 foot square box room. I was still allowed to go out, do whatever but when i got back my room was close to cell, not only in size but in belongings too

I commend your mom for that. :T :T :T That is a great idea. I would adopt the same technique given a similar situation.

To the OP, I was about to suggest something but changed my mind after reading brians daughter's post because I think she has just given the best possible solution.

red_devil

Lit_Up wrote: »

Is it really any of your business how she keeps her room? I was messy as hell until I was about 18. Why did I change? I started to get interested in interior design and didn't find a messy room aesthetically appealing, also I wanted to impress girls. A messy room is just a phase kids go through, and it was one of the worst things I felt for a mother to do, to go into my room, rearrange everything and stick it away where I had no idea where anything was. You brought her into the world, she didn't ask for it, the room you've given her is pretty crap as it is, just let her keep her own tiny corner of the world as she likes it. Once she starts to have boys round she'll probably tidy it up! She doesn't go into your room and mess with your stuff, does she?

yes its her business and its her house. Also leaving a laptop on is dangerous and costly on the electricity.

Just because she didnt ask to be bought into the world is not an excuse for being slobby etc.