Im a bad mother....

GEEGEE8

MIL isn't really helping you is she.. Jeez, that would drive me mad!

pulliptears

GEEGEE8 wrote: »

MIL isn't really helping you is she.. Jeez, that would drive me mad!

It does drive me mad. OH and I have been together for 16 years and it took around 4 years of rows and me presenting him with a bill for childcare and housekeeping before he got the idea that he had to help
Fortunately, he now 'gets it' and is on my side. We have had words with MIL and pointed out how this is causing friction at home, it lasts a week or two then she reverts to type. She will not change.

DD is however old enough now to realise that there is a difference between home and Nana's house and that she wont get the same treatment at home.

Funny thing is we have an older son who received the same treatment, yet managed to be perfectly tidy and clean.

hngrymummy

You could always pop all the wrappers etc that she refuses to put in to the bin in to her room. If she complains that it's in her room, you can just say "Well how do you think I feel when you leave it lying around the house?"

pulliptears

hngrymummy wrote: »

You could always pop all the wrappers etc that she refuses to put in to the bin in to her room. If she complains that it's in her room, you can just say "Well how do you think I feel when you leave it lying around the house?"

Believe me, she wouldn't care. In fact, she probably wouldn't even notice :eek:

gratefulforhelp_2

pulliptears wrote: »

MIL would say to DD "Ooh she's a wicked mother". /QUOTE]

Maybe its time for another argument. In my house she'd get a punch. (the MIL, and not really, but I'd feel like it)

DON79

I would vote for bagging it and binning it if she doesn't tidy it. I was not a tidy teenager and my parent's didn't really make me tidy it and it would have been so much better if they had. If they had been tougher, it would have been better. Its only now am older and married with kids that I am tidier and I appreciate things being tidy.

pulliptears

I wasn't an exceptionally tidy teen either I admit, but nowhere near to the extent DD is. When I say I cannot open the door I really am not joking.
We had all her room fitted out to give her more storage about 18 months ago as we appreciated it was a small room. It cost over a thousand to have bespoke furniture made for her but she really doesn't appreciate it at all.

balletshoes

Maybe its just me, but (MILs attitude aside, which would drive me nuts) I'm not seeing a huge problem here. You asked her to move her ice lolly wrapper from the sofa at MILs, which I'm guessing she did? You said she wouldn't have left it on your sofa at home, so no mess there. She takes her dishes to the sink at a push, but doesn't wash them. Would she maybe respond to getting paid a small sum to wash all the family dishes after mealtimes etc?

If she's not bothered about finding chargers etc, fine, its her stuff, her phone, if she's not bothered, she's not bothered - in the nicest possible way, why are you bothered?

The basic rule for my DD in her room/with her stuff etc is -
no food in her room, no laptop in her room (its downstairs so I can keep an eye on the sites she uses etc), if she wants washing done she has to put her clothes/sheets etc in the laundry basket, and if her room's a mess, no friends over to play/to tea (I have no problem telling her in front of any friend who asks to come over that "if you tidy your room your friend can come over tomorrow or the next day").

I have to remind her to pick up her plates/cups/crisp packets etc from the living room regularly - but she does it when reminded, so I don't have a huge issue with telling her to do it.

pulliptears

balletshoes wrote: »

Maybe its just me, but (MILs attitude aside, which would drive me nuts) I'm not seeing a huge problem here. You asked her to move her ice lolly wrapper from the sofa at MILs, which I'm guessing she did? You said she wouldn't have left it on your sofa at home, so no mess there. She takes her dishes to the sink at a push, but doesn't wash them. Would she maybe respond to getting paid a small sum to wash all the family dishes after mealtimes etc?

She gets pocket money of the proviso she does basic chores. Its a heck of a push to get her to do them. As for the lolly wrapper, my comment was more that she wouldnt be expected to leave it there, she would be told to move it. fact is she would and does do it at home, usually with twix wrappers which she is frequently shouted down to move.

If she's not bothered about finding chargers etc, fine, its her stuff, her phone, if she's not bothered, she's not bothered - in the nicest possible way, why are you bothered?

Why am I bothered? Because I cannot get in touch with her if I need to. Its the summer holidays, she is out and about. If I need her to come home etc I can't reach her.

The basic rule for my DD in her room/with her stuff etc is -
no food in her room, no laptop in her room (its downstairs so I can keep an eye on the sites she uses etc), if she wants washing done she has to put her clothes/sheets etc in the laundry basket, and if her room's a mess, no friends over to play/to tea (I have no problem telling her in front of any friend who asks to come over that "if you tidy your room your friend can come over tomorrow or the next day").

I have to remind her to pick up her plates/cups/crisp packets etc from the living room regularly - but she does it when reminded, so I don't have a huge issue with telling her to do it.

I find myself 'reminding' her for hours on end. Any reminder is met with an 'in a min im coming' but she rarely does. Its not until you start getting irritated she actually does it, usually apologising with an 'I forgot'

Its a problem because I don't have the time, or frankly the inclination to follow her round and do everything for her when she is at a stage where she should be exerting some independence. left to her nothing would get done. She would have no clean clothes, her bed would never be changed etc. She just really cannot be bothered.

WestonDave

I'm not and never will be the tidiest person in the world and tend to work on mess and purges, but that is mainly because I was only allowed to let things drift so far and then they got tidied or else.

I would be tempted whilst you are away to find a quiet moment when her brother is off so its just you, her and your OH, and make it clear that from the time you return she has a choice. She can either live like a civilised member of the family, or she can live completely like trailer trash. The latter option means you won't be washing her clothes (or paying for new smart ones), you won't be cooking her decent meals - diet of cheapo chicken nuggets and chips, you won't be making an effort to get her up for school, driving her to activities etc. In other words if she wants the benefits of being part of a civilised family as I'm sure you want to be, then she needs to learn its not a hotel and she has to pull her weight - that means doing her share of the chores (not a full share in term time because as you will point out to her, her homework and education is important to you so you'll cover some of her share), it means treating communal areas with respect (so putting dirty dishes in the kitchen) and it means that her room is kept at least clean (if she chooses to be disorganised then fine provided she moves it around enough on a regular basis to be able to clean/hoover). It may well be that she starts off well and drifts in which case "Operation Slob" simply starts with no further warning, or she may decide to try living the life of a slob thinking its tempting, but I'd be surprised if the full treatment doesn't wear very thin very quickly.

Some of us will never be tidy, but I was brought up to accept that there is a limit to how much the mess can be allowed to accumulate so I do at least my share of cleaning and tidying. I'm also starting early with our boys (5 and 3) - my OH will tend to let them leave a mess (which I understand to a degree as she's looked after them all day so another battle is stretching tolerance a bit), but I tend to try and make sure they at least partially clear away before they go to bed.