Help me please, I don't know what to do.

desperatedad

Hello everybody,

I'm after a bit of advice, I've had a hell of a time lately and things are going steadily down hill. First a bit of background...

I'm in a terrible situation and when I look at it on paper I actually feel quite sick. I don't know quite how I allowed myself to get in such a mess, but here I am. I think I may have one of the biggest personal debts ever, it certainly feels and appears that way sometimes

I've been incredibly unhappy and I think my health and my mind has been effected in trying to control the situation and prevent it from effecting my family life.

To cut a long story short I will give you the brief one, but appologies for it still being so long...

Basically I have always been terrible with money starting way back about 10 years ago when I was still living at home and had my first credit card, but a completely disposable income. Credit was pretty much thrown at me left right and centre and I was foolish enough to take it on and start taking longer term credit on to pay shorter term credit to allow me more room to maneouver. Over the years I have amassed a huge sum in credit and was happy (and bloody stupid at the same time) to just pay the monthly payments, which at the time I could afford. My debts grew bigger as I took more on, but my wages increased and despite moving in with my now wife about 6-7years ago somehow did not see the mess I was getting into until it was too late.

Another thing earlier on that I found which I was a fool to do was that most of the companies that I had a visa and loan debt with offered to combine the two into one loan to reduce the monthly payment and reduce the amount of interest paid. Great I thought, except they didn't close my visa account, so i thought, well, i can move that card to that one now and get a better rate and so it continued.

My wife was oblivious to this. We moved to a bigger house and made about £40k on the old house, thus giving us the deposit we needed. Bought it for £190,000 3years ago and now valued at about £210,000.

Things got worse as interest piled up and eventually I lost about £500 a month in income through regular overtime that I had had for about 4-5years that had become like a part of my wage. Then my wife became desperate to start a family and I couldn't bring myself to tell her of my situation and had always wanted children myself. Eventually it all came to a head and I went through a terrible period of depression and being chased regularly on the phone by some very unsympathetic creditors until we collated all my debt and the little bit that she had and did something I wish we'd never done and I regret to this day, which was to borrow against our house (seemed like the obvious solution at the time and certainly took the pressure off for a year or so) and this actually put us £20k into negative equity based on the current mortgage left of £160,000 and the secured loan...

I feel I was also mis-sold a payment protection plan (though partly my fauilt for not reading/understanding ALL the small print), but turns out the £65k we borrowed at the time (the most we could get at the time too) was now £80k due to the ppp which I later found out was a seperate loan added on top and it isn't possible to cancel it like on a credit card as it is part of the loan now. However, we do get half the ppp back if we don't claim over the next few years so its not as bad as it could be. The total figure currently secured on the house now is about £230,000.

I'm afraid it gets much worse...

This didn't settle all my debts though I couldn't tell my wife the true gravity of my situation as I didn't want to lose her (its a lot more complicated than that too, but I won't go into that here) and I thought with the reduced monthly bills that I could afford the rest and pay it off gradually. I did close all my accounts that were settled by the consolidation loan and have not taken out any new credit with any other companies, but when my beautiful little girl started nursary and what with all the other increases in the cost of living, I struggled for a year or so and started paying one card with another and I just about managed to get by for another 6-12months, until now that is.

I currently owe the following :-

MBNA Visa £8000 (quite possibly the worst people I've ever dealt with)
Smile Visa £10500
Smile Loan £7900
Cahoot Loan £12000
Egg Loan £16300 (currently on payment break til nov so not aware situation)
HSBC Loan £14300
HSBC Visa £10000
HSBC Overdraft £2000

Totalling about £80k which makes me recoil in horror when I look at it and see I'm pretty much back where I started before I took out the consolidation loan. I can't believe what I've done, I'm pretty much ruined. I should of sought help the first time around, but I got desperate and slipped up.

Anyway, I knew this couldn't continue and started thinking stupid things like 'why don't I just jump off a cliff, my wife would be better off without me', but realised that was a selfish thought, though it still crosses my mind from time to time, but I cry when I think about leaving my little girl and feel guilty at the prosepect of leaving my wife in a terrible situation and so I'm still here and I assure you that such thoughts are unbelievable to me now due to my love for my little girl and how I want to see her grow up and I can't leave my wife in such a way and how it would effect my friends and family. Basically, I'm not that selfish and despite the hell I still enjoy life from time to time and have moments when I think how sill it is of me to think of such terrible things. Even if I lose my wife (still a possibility, but hopefully she will stick with me), I will find a way to be there for my daughter when she needs me.

So, I called the CCCS and spoke to a helpful lady there who started giving me advice on what to do and I've followed that to this point, but I also looked into an IVA as well and now don't know what to do for the best.

I opened an account with someone I don't have credit with and my wages are now paid in there and cancelled all my direct debits and standing orders except for one with my old banks loan that they refuse to cancel as it is part of the loan agreement, even though it has bounced now and they then charged me for bouncing it!

I have made manual token payments of £30 to all accounts, in most cases just covering the charges they levied when my first payment missed payment was unreceived or bounced this month.

I earn £1700 after all deductions and my wife a similar amount.

She is currently paying for the nursary fees (£414 a month!) and most of the food.

I have an expensive car (in terms of runing costs) which I am going to sell as soon as it is in a saleable state, not becasue its really worth much, but because i realise now that I can't afford the monthly expense of running it (my iva depended on this is fact - and a little more besides!). The car is pretty much all I have to show for the huge amount of credit I have, so letting it go is a huge thing to me.

I pay £1200 into a joint 'bills' account and she pays in £900. This covers all our household bills, i.e. the mortgage, secured loan, council tax, utilities, tv license etc.

We are just looking into see if we are paying over the odds on buildings & contents and life insurance, lpus whether we should be paying £60 on a £1000 worth or mortgage protection. Other than that, there is no room for adjustment here. We've cancelled sky as well by the way and now have freeview.

I don't want to consider bankruptcy because even though we won't lose the house due to having no equity, I don't want to put my family through the shame and stress and all the other things it may effect such as my employment and chances of carrying on with our mortgage when the current fixed rate deal runs out in a little over a year and a half.

The CCCS have therefore recommended a dmp based on a budget we drew up whereby I pay £258 a month in, but it will take 25years to repay at that level and in that time who knows what might happen, plus I understand that my creditors will still hound me constantly for more money and I might face ccjs and ultimately having bailiffs in to take my posessions which again I can't put my family through.

A company called Accuma have offered to set up an IVA for £430 a month based on 'minimal fees' whatever they are, but that is a little more than I can realistically afford, but I was thinking if I can struggle through the first couple of years and I'm due some pay rises (though they tend to be very small) i might be able to knock this on the head in five years, but after 4 years they will take any equity I have in my house and force me to remortgage (I appreciate I may not have any equity by then anyway, but if I did, then I could be forcing my family out of our lovely home which we want to keep because we might not be able to afford the increased payments).

So I really don't know what to do for the best. If anyone has any advice, though I would appreciate any comments other than the obvious, 'what the hell were you thinking', 'oh my god, are you for real', 'what a waste of space on planet earth you are' type comments that I deserve.

I am ashamed and may quite of possibly ruined my life, but I don't want to have an adverse effect on my wife and my little girls.

I've so screwed up.

Can't believe I am actually posting this, nearly didn't, but here we go...

desperatedad

Mrs_Sparkle

Oh hun, well done for coming on here and admitting all that. It's horrible writing it all down for the first time isn't it? It sounds like you're taking all the right steps by selling the car and reviewing your outgoings. Can you post an SOA and we'll have a look and see if we can save you some more pennies.

Please stop beating yourself up- we're all here because we made mistakes. We're here for you so don't even think of doing anything silly- we can help you through this.

Triker

Hey, just wanted to give you, your wife and daughter a bit of support, apologies for it not being more that a 'virtual' hug :grouphug: , there are many people here who should be able to advise, good luck

onestep

First of all, welcome, and well done for posting.

We need to look at an SOA - statement of affairs - there's a sticky at the top with what to put in it.. At first glance the only thing I'd say is stick with CCCS - don't pay a company to do what they will do for free!

Someone else will be along shortly with more constructive advice.

well done again for posting

onestep

oops_a_daisy

Hi there Desperatedad, welcome to DFWannabees. Im sorry that I can not offer any practical advice ( Im sure more experienced MSE'ers will be along soon ) but I just wanted to say that I think you are one hell of a Dad and I am sure you will get things sorted...... eventually. You have definately come to the right plase for advice. If you could post a full SOA ( Statement Of Affairs ) it would help others to give you advice. There is a template for a SOA on the sticky thread ' first time posters'

All the best and good luck

tootles_2

Please, please do not go with a firm who charge you fees for anything, there are several free debt consultancies, Pay Plan and CCCs, and the Citizens Advice Bureau.... There is no shame attached to Bankruptcy these days and it may well be the answer to your problems, but until you post a SOA there is not much that we can suggest.

You will have to make sacrifices..... we have all been down that route.....and there are several forums where you will get advice if you look through the list of chat forums, including some on living old style which could help to balance your budget...... but we need your SOA.......

RoCas

Hi dd,

I'm afraid I'm no good at the debt advice thing ... there will be loads of others along very shortly to give you all the advice you need. Just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are for facing up to your situation. It must have been very difficult to actually see the figures in black & white. There's nothing you can do about the past but you can certainly help your future, which is exactly what you're doing now.

Welcome to MSE - hang in there and help will be along shortly.

nickyc_2

:grouphug: I can't really offer any advice, as others have said some much better qualified people will be along later to help out.
Just wanted to say well done for making your first post such a brave one. All the best for the future and don't forget that MSE is here anytime you need advice & support.

calleyw

Hello and welcome

There are few things

1) you know that killing yourself is very selfish and solves nothing. You wife and child would go the loser as any debts would have to be paid out of your estate.

2) I know you say you will loose your wife but you have to tell her. You need all the help and support you can. Yes if it was me I know I would go mental for while and then realise that as my husband you will need all my help and support. And if that means going with out for a while that is what will have to be done to keep my husband the man I choose to be with for the rest of my life and have children with.

3)Go with either payplan or CCCS do not go with anyone else as these are free at point of use for you.

4)You will need to do a statement of affairs and yes you will have to cut back everywhere. But we will give you ideas and help.

5) Go and see your Dr I think you need some help. You are struggling with your mental health. It is just as important as your physically health. It is not a weakness to ask for help


6)All the best and take care. And as filppant as it sounds it is only money. They can't have what you don't have.


Yours


Calley

livinginhope

Hi there desperatedad,well done for posting,please get back online so we can help you more ,I know how you're feeling and it isn't nice to be there,the realisation of the amount of debt is the first step to clearing it.You have taken good steps already by contacting the CCCS,but don't get involved with any firms charging to help you.
I agree with you on the bankruptcy subject,we won't go down that route either,so if you don't want to go bankrupt,you don't have to.Don't rush into an IVA either as you already said you will find the payments hard to make.
As others have said,post your SOA and see what can be done.
Keep strong for your family and we are always here for support and advice :A

littlestar1981

Wow, well done for posting all that. I can't pat you on the back enough. :A

Now it's all there in black and white, don't you feel better? Well I hope you do. I felt so much better knowing my total figure, because I wasn't hiding behind a mass of blurry bills any more.

Get that SOA on as soon as possible and I'm sure we can all chip in a bit of advice one way or another!

Has your wife seen this site? Maybe if she 'surfed' she'd come across this thread and recognise your situation... because what's in those wedding vows again? For richer, for poorer? I'm sure she will see that you are now facing up to things and will do her utmost to help you through this. Yes, she will probably get very upset and dole you out limited pocket money for a while but it will all be for bith your benefit in the long run.

Again, well done for posting, you've taken your first huge stride.