In a massive mess

mollythewestie

Regarding entertaining the children, have you looked into events taking place at your local library? I have a 1 year old and take her to Rhyme time once a week term time which is free and a good chance for me to meet other mums in the area.

During the holidays, our library have loads of organized events for children aged 0-11: creative writing workshops, a sculpture day with a local artist, picincs in the local parks. Best of all, the events are all free.
Hopefully your local library do something similar.
Hope that helps

PS. Well done on changing utilities and saving over a £100 in a day, thats really good going :beer:

Jo_R_2

Hi Roxie

I remember a lot of your posts from the Families board, partly because we both had two older kids and a younger one - seems you're ahead of me now but I have another on the way in October!:D

My thoughts on reading through are similar to what others have posted. I think how you tackle the situation moving forward is what counts - potentially you are what a lot of people on here would call 'lucky' because you have essentially had your LBM earlier rather than later. You have a good monthly income, a good family unit and make use of your family time and couple time, albeit in the recent past in ways you might feel are now frivolous looking back (thinking about the entertaining here.)

I think you should carry on as you are with your budgeting. But what does stand out is your DH's involvement - he confiscates your cards yet is coming to you asking if he can afford x/y/z? Who exactly in his mind is in charge here? Either he has handed over control to you or he hasn't - he has realised there is a problem but seemingly isn't either ready to admit his part in it or really doesn't comprehend how the situation has come about.

I think what will be really key is when you can present a spending diary factoring in what you do spend, 'you' not just being what you spend as the mum with care of the kids and their activities, but as a family including takeaways, entertaining (and breaking this down as well) and what you have for groceries, as well as what you and he spend personally (so say clothes for you, gadgets for him, for example.) Laying it out there in black and white, no blame apportioned but being able to highlight problem areas as a 'joint' issue should open his eyes to where he fit into this all.

daniel_owen_uk

D work lunches.......................... 100

£100 a month is a serious lunch!!!

Take sandwiches, or pasta etc. Can probably cut that to £20

Spiggle

Hi Roxie,

You asked about threads that could help you. We don't have any children at home but due to taking my eye off the ball discovered in February this year we were spending £600+ per month just on groceries. The answer for me - it was a light bulb moment - was joining the grocery challenge which I started in March. You can see how we've got on from my signature below.

We're in a 'lucky' position too re income v expenditure but I'm still asking for advice on DFW too. The beauty of MSE is we're all different and can all bring different experience and tips to use. I highly recommend the Grocery Challenge thread.

As for pocket money, OH and I have £15 each per week in cash to buy what we want and when its gone its gone and no subs. Mind you, my OH was very understanding (he was doing most of the spending) handed over his bank card to me (I did not ask for it) and has been behind reducing our costs all the way. I wish you luck with getting your OH to see some sense about this. You're in it together and he has to realise that.

Hope things get better and we see you on the August Grocery Challenge.

Spigs

RoxieW

daniel_owen_uk wrote: »

£100 a month is a serious lunch!!!

Take sandwiches, or pasta etc. Can probably cut that to £20

Thats OH - he wont cut that.

Thanks I will look into the library and the grocery challenge.

hi jo

NorthernLas

Do you know about sites like Quidco or Topcashback? When you switch suppliers you can get money back via these sites as well.

weezl74

RoxieW wrote: »

Thats OH - he wont cut that.

why's that roxie?

barbiedoll

It sounds as though you're both getting resentful, you because he is treating you like a naughty child, and him, because he feels out of control. As another poster said, you need to dig out your bank/credit card statements and mark off all of the gadgets, takeaways and other non-essentials that he has been buying. Show him the list of children's activities and the cost, so that he can see exactly where your money is going. Open your own bank account and keep your money (child benefit, ebay profits etc) in there so you have some control over it. Make a list of all of the ESSENTIAL household expenses, mortgage, bills, car, (use the SOA) and show him how much you need each month to pay the bills. Then point out to him how much money he has been spending on rubbish that you don't need or want, the Wii fit board being a case in point. We've all been there and done that, you both need to watch what you spend. A good income is all very well, but even millionaires need to keep an eye on what they're spending, look at Kerry Katona! :eek:

Regarding the kid's activities, would it be cheaper to join the leisure centre so that you get free/discounted swimming sessions? As there are three of them, they do have each other to play with, I'm guessing that you have a garden so spend some time in there with them, mud pies and water pistols always go down a treat, especially if mum joins in! And get them digging and planting, a few packs of seeds costs next to nothing and even if only weeds grow, at least you're all in the fresh air and not spending any money

I hope that you do manage to get OH on board, I know it's not easy, especially as discussions about money always seem to end up in an argument. Sometimes, you just have to sit and take the criticism and let him have his say, even if he is wrong. Keep plugging away at him and try not to accuse him, I know it's worse than dealing with the kids, you have to tread very carefully. Maybe plan an evening, cook him something nice, and bring the subject up gently. Ask for his support, let him know that you want and need him on board and that you can't do it without him. Massage his ego a bit, you know what men can be like. If he thinks it was all his idea in the first place, he may well go along with it. If he won't, let us know and we'll try to think of another plan of attack!

RoxieW

Well we had another row last night as as soon as he got in he was on about money and now reckons £200 is too much. He doesnt seem to realise that I've already spent £125 on the food shop for the week so when boys activities get paid for there will be nothing left. Then in the next breath he is going to marks and spencers and wants some money out of the budget for food from there. His favourite phrase is - 'Its only a tenner' etc but these tenners add up. Tomorrow I have to take our son for a hosp appoin a weekly/fortnightly expense - which will be £20 in bus fares - two buses and the 3 of us to pay for) and a full day out of the house so I will need to feed everyone. Where is the money in the budget for this? His solution is take packed lunches. So with 3 children and a buggy on 2 buses I also have to take packed lunches as well - to eat on a bench somewhere I imagine! Its like he wants me to stick to a budget on one hand but not on the other. He has no concept of money and how far it goes. His other genius solution to reducing the overdraft is just not to touch that back acc for 3 months. Then when i ask where the money was coming from he said - the other bank acc - lol. Its the same difference really but he doesnt get it. He just thinks I'm being difficult but I'm really not. I've ebayed and menu planned yesterday - and changed utilities earning £50 from quidco

Anyway its my birthday today so putting it all aside for one day

Thanks all

spence

Hi Roxy,

Please take this comment as it was sent, with understanding.

I hear alot of he said, she said.

You and your husband don't have money problems, your debts can be sorted in weeks not years. A little planning and care and you could have a massive monthly surplus.

I THINK YOUR PROBLEM IS A RELATIONSHIP ISSUE, TRUST, ACCUSATIONS ETC.

I think your best idea is to do 2 lists of non essential spends, 1 for the children and heres the clincher, 1 for you (be completely honest, its the only way). On paper.

Show these lists to your husband and ask him to do one aswell (again honesty is needed).

This can then become your start point, because you haven't started yet. Don't help each other with your lists it will only start a row. Please understand Roxy, you are kicking the !!!! out of it, there will plenty in the pot this time next year and that will be a better time for spending on holidays etc.

AFTER YOU HAVE EARNED IT, NOT BEFORE THATS THE KEY!

Good luck.