In a massive mess

RoxieW

Hi all
I normally post on families not here so :wave:
Well the poo has well and truly hit the fan here and I feel awful.
Ive been spending beyond our means for ages. There I've said it. My husband has gone through our accounts with a fine tooth comb and he is furious.I have been controlling (or not) our finances and he has left me to it - until now.
I've spent far too much on clothes and handbags. Last month I spent £1000 on food and eating out. Yes you read it right. £1000.
I also spent £500 in cash but I dont know what on. We are now 3K in debt due to consistant overspending.
I've just found out my husband has taken my bank cards. I feel sick.
I say 'I' have spent all the money but its not strictly true. But because I control the finances (he doesnt even carry a wallet) all the blame is falling to me. Yet my husband will spend it.
For example we went out on the weekend (took the children to a farm). Despite the fact that we had booked to go out to dinner (2 for 1 offer) at 7pm, at 5pm he ordered a big meal, cake and coffee in the cafe. I told him we couldnt afford it. Me and the kids had a snack. So then we didn't go for the meal at 7pm but when I ordered something to eat later he also ordered something. So he ate out twice in one day.
The other day I told him we couldnt afford to go to the cinema. he said fine. Then he went out and spent £20 on a takeaway that I didnt want.
He is happy to spend the money - even when I have told him that we cant afford something he shrugs it off if it is something that he wants.
I think I have had my lightbulb moment and have cancelled all the things i had upcoming. Including going out on my birthday, going to the hairdressers, visiting my cousin and a trip away that was very important to me for reasons other then it just being a trip away. Everything is cancelled. Yet he says he cant return the £500 gift that he has bought me for my bday that I dont even want. In fact the thought of it makes me feel in.
Now we are in some kind of limbo. He has taken my cards and left me £200 for the week. I have never lived like his. I feel like he wants to control the money yet he has just text me saying can we afford a curry tonight? Basically I feel he wants a curry but he just wants to be able to blame me for 'allowing' it. I dont know what to do or how to deal with this.
Please help.

DarkConvict

By the sounds of it your husband doesn't want the responsibility of handling the finances, yet is happy to spend money whilst ignoring your advice on what is affordable. He cannot have it both ways.

Given you agree you have been overspending for some time, £3,000 debt isn't a great deal and hopefully if you and your husband can learn to budget well you will clear it quickly.
Not spending isn't super easy, this was meant to be a no spend month for me, however i brought £120 equipment for the computer in cooling equipment. But i did stop myself spending £360 on 2x460GTX graphic cards at least

Finances are not fun to manage, neither are they that simple, especially in the time it takes to open accounts and move money around.

I think you need to clear to him this is a problem you both need to tackle, you probably managed the finances just fine, the problem is with both of you having high spending habits.
Budget for a family of 4 on groceries is about £240-300 a month, although that does involve cutting down brands and not eating out.

If i were you I would pop up an SOA in MSE format and let others see what is happening. Try to be accurate, if you have a surplus you actually do not have at the end of the month, this is money that is going missing in unaccounted spending. http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

Best way to tackle budgetting is to both do a spending diary. Write down everything you buy and spend money on from, takeways, clothing, chocolate bars etc. It all adds up and it shows what can be cut out.

RAS

RoxieW wrote: »

Now we are in some kind of limbo. He has taken my cards and left me £200 for the week.

Are you at all clear what you are supposed to cover with £200? Pocket money or is it everything that is not paid by DD?

I have never lived like his. I feel like he wants to control the money yet he has just text me saying can we afford a curry tonight?

The answer is no. You could make a coule of HM curries from what is in the cupboard/freezer if you have the spices.

Basically I feel he wants a curry but he just wants to be able to blame me for 'allowing' it.

Absolutely.

Hi

he is angry and lashing out but he is behaving very badly aND STUPIDLY

Do the SOA that DC has referred to, as best as you can now and then update with hubby later.

That will show you what you can afford to spend.

Once you have the SOA, you will know what your essential monthly spends are.

You need to get rid of the £3000 debt and then save up three months safety net (3 times essential spends).

RoxieW

Hi
The £200 is for groceries and anything else such as activities for the children, things for the house. Just basically what I would spend in a week when out and about.
To make things abit clearer I have 3 children. Every week they each have 3 after school activities swimming, football and cubs. I also have a baby who I take to various baby groups/playcentres. I'm assuming the £200 is to cover all that as well. I dont think he really knows because he has no idea what it involved and what I have to spend in a week. He seems to think all these things are free. I'm unclear about other things - for example - haircuts etc - do I now have to go and ask him for the money. I'm really not happy about it but he was so angry last night and I felt so guilty that I agreed. I think he will get very quickly bored of me asking him for money and him having to go and draw it out.
I will do the SOA. thanks again.

RoxieW

I'm really not used to budgeting. I pay everything by card, dont watch what I spend and to be honest, am far too generous with family and friends.
My kids have bedrooms crammed to the rafters with toys and drawers stuffed with clothes. As do I. My house is a mess as it is filled with too much 'stuff'. It has been getting me down for a while and I havent slept worrying about money but when I have tried to put the breaks on it hasnt worked. For example we decided to buy camping gear to afford cheap holidays with the kids. So we've just spent out on all that. My husband has been buying ridiculous high tech lamps etc.

podperson

Hi Roxie,

First of all well done for facing up to this and being prepared to get it sorted out. Hubby sounds like he is reacting very badly to this but he is probably angry and shocked and therefore not being very reasonable about it.
Think you need to sit down with him and sort out a plan where you are both pulling together. He needs to realise that he has been putting his head in the sand just as much as you - he has been over-spending as well and just because he might have been asking you for cash to fund it rather then directly paying himself doesn't mean that he is blameless and him taking your cards off you really isn't going to help.
You need to put down on paper a budget showing what comes in and what goes out every month, all the bills, food shopping, children's groups etc. If your OH is anything like mine he probably doesn't have a clue what some of these things actually costs. (If you also want to post it on here people will generally have some good ideas on areas where you can save extra.) Show this to OH and then you can work out together where you might be able to make savings and what you have left that you can put towards the debts.
Might help for both of you to have a cash budget for the week as well then you won't be tempted to use the cards for everything and paying cash tends to make you think a lot more about the amount then if you're just handing a card over (well it does for me anyway!)
Also, if you have a house full of stuff look at ebaying or try a car boot one weekend.

dancingfairy

Hi - you need to really sit down with him and explain that - o.k you've been overspending but that he is also guilty - ie high tech lamps, takeaways, meals out etc etc.
With regards to the 200 pounds can you try and work out what you need this week and set it all out so he can see how much things cost? It will help you to plan and prioritise and will show whether for you it is a sensible amount or not.
I think you will be able to turn this around - mainly by setting a budget and keeping a spending diary to see where all the money not spent on bills is going.
As you have lots of stuff - perhaps you can have a clear out and get ebaying/car booting etc?
Good luck with everything.
df

plum44_2

I have 4 children and I live in London and £200 would be a fortune for me to spend on Groceries and activities in 1 week. It may be the wake up call you need to realise it's not a sustainable lifestyle. Start by budgeting on your groceries. Whatever you can save this week use it to pay of a small amount of the 3k. Re-assess EVERYTHING e.g. Takeaways are a luxury- try to reduce them to once a month.

obsessedwithhamsters

I think £200.00 a week sounds ok to me. I too have three children and the youngest is a baby. We can do a family shop on £50-60 a week. Its not fun on a budget, it can be boring and restrictive but if you are careful you should be able to live on £125-150 a week easily. I too have been in your shoes and still have a terrible spending addiction that I am in the process of curing. It isn't easy. We sound the same in the respect that our houses are full of stuff as we over buy. For example if all my kids clothes are washed and ironed they won't even all fit in their wardrobes. That is just ridiculous. Have you thought about ebay as a way of raising some money? Toys and kids clothes sell well on e bay. Any help needed just ask!

KingElvis

Watch he doesn't just give you 200 to run the house then just spends the rest on rubbish.

Give his spending habits, he's probably going to do a worse job.

Sit down and have a natter about the best way to go forward and good luck :-)

RAS

Definately, flog stuff on e-bay - decent clothing item as a time and old toys and your stuff. Also amazon for books aand music etc

I remember on posters whose books fetched £1000 at a time when things were dire (OH went bankrupt).