It's STILL tough and not getting better - so how are we coping?

determined_new_ms

ah sorry to hear you feel so despondant v8monkeyboy x seems like a lot of women experieince this with their oh's. Mine was terrible with finances when we decided to move in together nearly 2years ago. I put my foot down and told him if he wanted to live with me he had to address his attitude to money and clear his debt (ironically a number of things happened and I ended up being back in debt to tune of £6500 in Jan this year :eek:). He has done this and if everything goes according to plan he will be debt free by Jan. But it has taken him ages to change his attitude to money. I take care of a lot of the finances - shopping, bills, shopping around for best suppliers, juggling when to pay bills etc as he wouldn't run such a tightly run ship. We have separate "spending money" so I don't get stressed on how much he spends on etcs that's his affair. Last week we had to do a big shop and I was horrified that we spent nearly £100 :eek: his response? We used to spend this amount so its fine! I pointed out we could do this again but it would mean we would both have to put an extra £80 per month to be able to do it.

JayJay14

My OH is 53 and it has taken me years to sort him out. He has gone down the 'pocket money' route but he just spends it all and I had to pick up the slack. 5 years ago we had to remorgage our house because he ran up so much debt on CCs that now he asks me when he needs money. Just recently I did have to point out that if I (the one working still!!) managed on £3.50 a week personal spends (office tea money plus a chippy lunch on a friday) then I was not prepared to give him money for cigars (for when he walks the dog). I've had to tell him in no uncertain terms that he can't have new trousers/shorts/t shirts/sandles/trainers - he's worse than a teenager.:rotfl:

I think he's finally getting the message - the threat of losing the house is bringing it home to him at last.

jackieglasgow

v8monkeyboy

Sorry your OH is being a bit of a prat. Mine works away from home a lot. I have opened a current account for him, which I transfer his money into every week, so that his keep money is seperate from the household money. Luckily mine works nightshift and isn't much of a drinker anyway, but he knows he has a set budget, and hates using more than that, especially when he knows that he has twice as much for food as me and the boys have here, at home. If youcan't do this, why not take all the remaining money out of the current account ATM to prevent him from spending it?

determined_new_ms

I came on here to make my first post because I came very close to being made redundant on Thurs. Just got the company structure charts through and I definately have a job and am so relieved! Feel guilty to think this because 49 of my colleagues have not been so lucky. Was really worried about how we would manage. I'm the main bread winner - there's no way my oh could have made up for the shortfall (I put 2/3s of our household outgoings into the joint account) we've been paying off our debts for the last couple of years which thankfully are almost gone, but because of this we have no savings to act as a safety net. Frightening position - I really feel for everyone out there who hasn't been so lucky x

ceridwen

I suppose on the question of hubbies spending money that isnt available on luxuries - I think the thing is probably that we all have different motivators to "bring ourselves into line and stick to a budget".

I know personally that - for many years - I took the view that "I SHOULD have some money to spend just as I please - what on earth is the point of knuckling down doing a job I simply don't want to do otherwise?" and spent money on luxuries when I really couldnt afford them in order to reward myself for putting up with having to go to work to earn my living.

I still feel exactly the same way about having to do a job. I know I have to - but I'd much rather not......

The way I managed to persuade myself that I really had to "get a handle on" my finances and try and plan them more carefully was/is to keep reminding myself of two things:
1. Do I really want to fall for the adverts and spend money just because the Consumer Society would like me to to help "keep the whole ball rolling"? Er ..no...actually...its MY money and I'm not going to have advertisers, etc influence how I spend it.

Even more to the point in my case:
2. The more under control my finances are - ie making sure I was clear of debt and mortgage/well stocked-up with stuff/got a bit of savings then the better able I am to deal with anything employers might "throw at me". First off I didn't want to be in a position where, if an employer decided to make me redundant or sack me that I would be worrying about whether benefits would start being paid promptly and knowing I didnt have any savings to deal with any financial emergencies that came up. I wanted to know that I didnt need so much money to live on in the first place - because I only needed money for bills and to get through the month and didnt also have to find money for debts.

So - I got to that stage first. Now - there's a bit of savings there...so I dont have to worry if the DWP took weeks to get benefits coming through or decided to disqualify me from them for a while initially.

I guess what it boils down to in my case is having a bit of "F*** you" money as far as employers are concerned. That way - having to have a job isnt quite such an onerous burden and I know that if I simply couldnt stand it any longer I could literally walk out the door....:)

*******************************

That was how I motivated myself to start working hard on my finances - ie anytime I am tempted to splurge I just think "Employers:eek::mad:..." and hang onto my money.

Other people might have different motivators - the need to buy a house, the need to help get children "set up" in life when they reach adulthood....

I guess it's a case of "whatever floats your boat" - and reminding yourself of "Why?" whenever you catch yourself wanting to splurge....or catch your hubbie wanting to splurge on the other hand....

What motivates your O.H. to manage his money?

beingfrugal

Having grown up in the 'easy come easy go' era both DH and I were of the same 'I want it, I can get it now' attitude. I am pleased we fell flat on our behinds now, I really am as it's made up grow up in so many ways. I'm not proud of the way I was in my 20's but I am proud to be heading into my 30's with DH is tow, counting our pennies and our blessings. I feel like we have life sussed now. Spiralling rollercoaster of want and greed is recipe for a miserable existance.

beingfrugal

ceridwen wrote: »

What motivates your O.H. to manage his money?

We didn't manage our money and lost our little girls their home and stabilty.

Both OH and I feel extremely guilty about it and never want to put our little ones in a position where we might find ourselves in a very sour place indeed.

We will do everything in our power to prevent such a thing happen again. OH has changed because it matters to him to have a safety blanket of savings.

Larumbelle

V8monkeyboy, :grouphug: I've been there and it's not nice. Don't be tempted to retaliate by spending yourself - it'll only make things worse. Not that you were thinking that, but it used to cross my mind lol. After years of patient discussion, nagging, fights, screaming rows, debt and financial despair, my OH has finally developed *some* financial responsibility. Basically because I made him. Gave him my budget sheets, the bills and the bank card. Told him to sort it out himself.

Well. He had only the haziest idea what things cost, and every time I'd told him to turn the heating off, or the lights, or moaned about the council tax or water bill, he thought I was exaggerating. Having to deal with the bills and seeing where the money went really made a difference. Actually seeing for himself that every little bit and bob he picked up at the supermarket left less money in the pot for things we actually needed.

So we did have a few months where the money ran out completely, and I won't lie, it was stressful at times. But now things are good. he looks after the money just as much as I do, which takes a lot of pressure off me, and we always know that the bills are paid and that we're on track,which makes a huge difference. It was definitely worth those difficult few weeks in the long term. Why shouldn't both of a couple take equal responsibility for their joint finances?

taplady

Ceridwen - I agree with your attitude towards spending and saving:T it makes sense to have a little bit of a cushion and I've always been able to sleep better when we have one.

My DH is useless with money so I took control of our finances and we've paid back over £30,00 in debt over the last 5 years:eek: next month we will be debt free:j admittedly the debt wasn't all DHs fault - he had 2 heart attacks and a heart bypass plus a major back injury which lead to us drowning in debt however since joining this site we've got back on track and things are looking up. I aim to get our cushion back asap.
I have both wages paid into my account and give DH his pocket money. He's happy enough with this as it takes any pressure off him.

We are in the process of re-budgeting now ready for when we've paid off the debt and sorting out a saving plan.

spike7451

I was like every one of your DH's when I was younger...joined the RAF from school,bought clothes & stuff on storecards,went to Germany & bought a car on my LOA (Local Overseas Allowance,money paid to you to offset the higher cost of living in Germany) then in 96,along came the Options for change & I,along with thousands more,were redundent,owing hundreds,thousands of pounds on storecards,car loans ect.Lost my home & family over it.
Took me years to get on top of it.