I was wrong, how do I make it up? He didnt Lie!

Littlemadam83

Busiscoming, thank you for your input. Your last line has just made me burst into tears

We are just married, and the initial stuff happened way before we got married. With everything I suppose it was bad then got better. We have been married a month, and had issues already, although we have lived together 4 years.

I really hope he is telling the truth now and I am a complete psycho for not believing him. Atleast I then know I can change myself xxx

pelirocco

Phone up the credit card provider and ask if its been paid?

zzzLazyDaisy

((hugs))

This is a horrible situation to be in and not a good start to married life.

I suppose the credit card and the bank account are both in his name? In that case there isn't much you can do about it until the credit card statement arrives, and you can see whether the payment has been made or not.

I agree, asking him to show you his on-line bank account to prove the payment has been made is a very accusatory approach.

Good luck!

euronorris

Hi OP.

Hugs! I know this must be driving you crazy right now with all the 'Am I being paranoid, or am I being blind' stuff going round and round in your head.

I know that lying has been an issue between you before, but what was the outcome from that. Did he admit to the lying and you then had a heart to heart? Or does he still deny it?

Either way, I think that you need to explain to him that whilst they may seem like small things to him, that isn't the point. The point is that he's lying to you, full stop. How are you supposed to trust him with the big stuff if he lies about the little stuff.

You also need to decide if this is something you can live with or not, as it *may* come down to that if he can't/won't change.

Again, big hugs for you.

xx

Pee

Just wanted to say that the lying again sounded really bad to me, but then having read your post, I am not sure that lying about !!!!!! is that bad - I could imagine lying myself about that if I was worried about another person's reaction, if it was being discussed with freinds, I wouldn't always tell the whole truth.

If you do find out he is lying, I suggest you treat it very seriously and discuss it fully, so you know what the problem is.

I had an ex who lied, mainly because he had a drug and alcohol problem, and it's made it very hard for me to trust people. There were a lot of issues there but with hindsight I wish I had made a bigger deal out of it to begin with.

I hope he is telling the truth and you are being silly.

JimmyTheWig

Littlemadam83 wrote: »

Thanks for another point of view Jimmy. The paper work was on his sofa when I nipped home, and I think the phone had even been moved to be left by it. I just dont understand the redial having a different number.

Also, I asked him when he said he'd paid it if he used the home phone to call which he said yes, and also said he shouldnt have to explain himself to me.

I was wondering whether it was a mis-communication issue rather than a lie - i.e. he meant one thing but you thought he meant another.

But no, this sounds like an outright lie.

Unless... is the number for the bank / credit card company on a speed dial? Certainly on our phone hitting redial will call the last number physically dialed rather than the last number called, if that makes sense?

But it sounds like he lied and then got all defensive when you challenged him. I think you both need to have a chat about this. Not just about whether he paid the bill or not (because the chances are, either way, that it is now paid) but why he lied, why you felt the need (rightly, by the sounds of it) to check up on him, why he got defensive, etc.
He may feel, for example, that you're always checking up on him. Or there may be 100 other reasons. But it sounds like it needs sorting out.

[Most of this has been said already since I started typing.]

Make-it-3

I expect he just said it was done when really it was just his intention of doing it today, so when you chased him he just told a quick lie to save an earful. If he's any sense he's done it online/at work/on his mobile since. Do you have any suspicions of him hiding money issues from you? Think he has spent the money on something else? Not in position to pay it all off?

Is it a joint card, can you check directly with the company if the payment has been made? If not, there's not much you can do if he insists it's been paid. If you going in heavy about BT not having a record of the call, he may confess he didn't actually do it when he said/how he said, but you still won't know for sure that the payment has actually been made.

peachyprice

Perhaps he thought lying to you was the easy option first thing this morning and he has paid it since. If he'd have said he hadn't paid it would you have had a go at him about it?

euronorris

Another thought - is the debt joint or not? And, if so have you paid him money towards clearing the debt or not? Or, is it all in his name and you've been contributing directly to him?

This may be one of those things that he sees as his problem and his responsibility. But, if you've been worried or asking about it, he may have told you it was paid so that you would stop worrying/asking. Not great, but still, he may be feeling that you're breathing down his neck a bit.

Not saying that is the case, or that he's right, but just something to consider. If he is feeling that way, asking to see the bank account will only make him more defensive and he'll probably go on the attack too, to deflect attention away from himself.

As others suggested, ask about the total balance paid and go from there. As the conversation opens you can always add 'It's OK if you haven't had time to pay it yet darling/if you're struggling to pay it, perhaps I could do it for you/help you?'. Let him feel that you're on his side, rather than accusing and he should be more willing to open up.

x

Littlemadam83

You guys are being so helpful, did two minutes of work quickly to come back to all these posts, will try and answer all these individually xxx

Peachy - we knew it had to be paid but I didnt nag him or anything, he said he was going to hunt out the paperwork to get the number and call. We have however in the past week spoken generically about getng a mortgage, being in our overdrafts and late payments being factors against us. So this is where I think the route of the lying comes from.

Make it 3 - I agree, this so easily could be the case. I know he has intentions of paying it! I wasnt overly worried, it was just when he said he had something hit me and didnt seem right. We both are pretty skint atm, but have just been paid. It is so funny, as I believed him earlier, but was proper looking into saving money and cutting back, and talking to him about it, so maybe he is feeling the pain like I am at the moment, but he is trying to hide it (which he did when we first got together). It is his credit card as I got declined unfortunately so there is no way I can check without his permission.

Jimmy - thanks yet again for your objective view. We never use the home phone so there is no speed dial. When i tested the phone to check it worked I called my bank and pressed some option numbers to simulate the call and it came up as last number dialled, so really do not think there is any other way round it.
When I spoke to someone on my return to work she said call him and tell him, in which I did and when I said "based on the facts i dont believe you did...." He said "OK" in a hesitant way and almost balshy, it was as if he was going to confess there and then. But nothing

Pee - I am the most liberal person there is when it comes to things like that! And he knew! He still needed to swear on my life that he hadnt and only after having rock solid evidence would he admit. At that time I said the !!!!!! is not the issue, the lying is! He stayed away for a night round his mums but we made up in the end. I appreciate your input on making it a bigger deal.

Euronorro - thank you, everything you have said we went into last time you are so spot on! It was heartbreaking, and I really dont want to leave him at all, but it is not fair he does this.

I hope I have answered everyone's questions xxxx