Advice Please, Alcohol and Sleepwalking!

Lookingforadvice

I am a regular poster just using another name looking for some words of wisdom or for people who have been in the same position.

My O.H sleepwalks and pees everywhere when he's had alcohol. At first, i just dealt with it, i began to accept that it's just something that happens when he's had a drink and he can't help it, but now, it's pushing me to my limit and i don't know what to do. (I am writing this as i have just been upstairs after he's been out most of the day and he's peed in our bed, so i'm sleeping on the couch)

We have been together 3 years, i love him dearly, we are engaged and hoping to start a family soon. When we met, i quickly realised he liked a drink, he's a binge drinker, he wont admit that, but he is. He doesn't drink during the week, only on a Saturday mainly after rugby but he just turns into this sleepwalking nightmare and i'm at the end of my tether. He's peed in the bed, on the floor, wardrobe, laundry basket, other people's rooms, the landing... the list is endless. When he wakes in the morning, he has no recollection of the events and is nothing but apologetic. We have talked til we are blue in the face about alcohol and it's effects and whether it's really worth it, but he just can't not drink enough to not sleep walk or even give up altogether (or refuses to)....

I know that some people will say, well he needs to stop, but i know that. What do i do? I'm really fed up with it, it's the only thing that makes me miserbale. It has got to the point where i dread weekends because i know i'll get no sleep while on sleepwalking watch and i'm trying to jump up and guide him to the bathroom, i'm not sure i can cope with it much longer... I am also aware that it's not right to bring a baby into this as you can see the pattern forming here... help please.

Many Thanks x

confused76

hiya hun
i was in a similar situation and i didn't know how to deal with it properly at the time

it can feel quite isolating as it's not exactly something you can talk to friends and family about. my ex used to pee the bed when he'd drunk too much, and every weekend used to say his drink had been spiked as he was so bad but couldn't remember drinking that much! i've always wanted kids, but not in that environment. sadly it drove a wedge between us and he became my ex

i think you should sit him down and talk about it. you say he doesn't admit he has a drink problem, but can you explain to him how it affects you? sleeping on the couch? sleepwalk watch? that's not fair on you is it. if you come at it from that angle maybe?

i wish you luck because i've been there and it was horrible. this has to stop for everyone's sake - he needs to make changes though

take care xxx

meritaten

okay - its just the 'saturday' nights out with the lads when he gets hammered? simple solutution - he sleeps in the bath! I am not joking hun. If he wont get this under control then thats where he sleeps. or you dont let him in the house.
Its not funny when they are so Pi**ed they Pi** everywhere. and dont even remember it!
so, when he staggers in - you gently guide him upstairs to the bathroom, and into the bath, which you have prepared with a nice pillow and a duvet and tuck him in. fully clothed. with his shoes on. let him wake up stinking of pee and orders to wash the duvet and pillow. and clean the clothes and shoes.
see how many times it takes before the message sinks in (with my OH it was once).

pigpen

I'd make him clean his own mess!!

I'd possibly tie his wrist to the bed so when he gets out of bed he is either stopped from walking or it wakes him..

though I would be going completely OTT every time he did it as well.. there is no excuse for drinking yourself into such a state.. he woud simply not be going on a weekend if he cannot authorise some adult control over his stupid behaviour.. that or he sleeps elsewhere..

I think it is him you need to be offloading on not here.. I'd wake him up whenever he did it and make him clean it there and then there is no way I'd be sleeping anywhere near him if there was the vaguest chance of being pee'd on..

Absolutely abhorrent behaviour!

myothercarisaferrari

make him stay at a hotel or a friends?

Seriously love, you need to speak to him. Its disgusting, drunk or not. If he cant keep it in, tell him to curb the drinking

cherub1965

cant you make him cut the nights out down to once a fortnight,then once a month?then stop altogether? my OH used to drink a lot and smoke heavily when we met.i hate smoking so he gave up straight away,didnt nag him just made him go outside for a fag in all weathers.lol.as for the drinking,he just gradually cut it down from drinking a whole case of beer on his nights off to maybe a couple of cans,doesnt even bother half the time.
if he cared so much for you he wouldnt be putting you through this EVERY weekend he would cut it down if he cant give it up.i would be making him stay at mates/parents/hotel when he goes out or let him sleep in the shed.it turns my stomach the thought of what he does,i wouldnt be with my OH if he continued.why cant he give it up?has he got a problem with drink or just enjoys the social side of it?
i lost my baby brother at xmas through a drink problem,he had all the love and help in the world from us and professionals but it didnt work.am not 100% sure but i think binge drinking is worse for you than drinking every day.have done a lot of reading about drink problems the last few years.
dont even think about babies until he sorts himself,just a thought ,have you seen those giant nappies some men like to wear? get him a pack:D

blabberwort

Do you clean up after him? You dont actually say and I think it makes a difference to the advice people will give to be honest. For example, if he is cleaning up then you have a serious problem as he's obviously aware of the reality of his actions and doesnt give a damn. If however you are clearing up behind him then while he may know deep down it's a problem he may genuinely not realise quite how big a problem it is.

If you are clearing up after him then I would stop doing it. Make him face the consequences of his disgusting behaviour and see how he likes doing the cleaning up and replacing carpets/mattresses etc. It might just be the push he needs if he's the one doing the cleaning up. If that doesnt work then the suggestion of making him sleep in the bath isnt such a bad idea. He needs to understand that his behaviour is unacceptable and wont be tolerated.

If on the other hand if he is cleaning up after himself then I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship as he obviously just doesnt care enough to make a change (as you said you have already tried talking about this) and I would seriously consider where you go from here. As you say, it's not a situation you can bring children into (if indeed you both want children) and while that may be some time off for you both yet it is something that needs to be considered.

Apologies are all fine and dandy but are meaningless if the person apologising learns nothing from their mistake which led to them having to apologise in the first place.

gravitytolls

Good advice from all. He's unlikely to stop for some years yet, especially if he's out with the rugby crowd.

You're hoping to get wed and start a family ~ sounds idyllic, but this will tear you apart. This may be the only problem, and it may be only weekeneds, but if you bring a child into the equation, it will take over your life. You will live resenting him and dreading every day that brings the weekend closer.

My husband was a boozer in the first half of our marriage. With every baby I managed to convince myself things would be better once the baby arrived, but of course they weren't. Things only became better when he realised I was serious when I told him it was over.

Ok, it looks like I wasn't because we're still together and the family has been extended since. However, I did mean it, I didn't love him any more, I didn't hate him, but I was desperately sad that things had worked out the way they had, and that he'd managed to kill my love.

It took several years for things to improve, but I fervently wish we didn't have the memories of thosse awful years within our marriage.

I wish you luck in abundance, if you could persuade him to attend counselling for drinking, visit his GP etc., it would be a really good start. If you can't, you need to get support yourself, there are support groups for families coping with alcohol problems. As he is very apologetic, I suggest you tell him you can't even think about a future with him unless he's prepared to confront the issue head on and get help.

Lookingforadvice

Thanks for all of your replies. The bath suggestion really had me laughing out loud as i can just imagine myself doing that. I don't honestly know whether to laugh or cry right now, had enough...

In my opinion he does have a drink problem which is mixed with the social aspects. I've talked and talked to him about it but it's made no difference so far.

He always cleans it himself, and you're right, he does know exactly what he's done and he's still continuing to do it. I know what i should be doing, it's just hard, i love him but he loves the bottle more.

It hurts so much...

blabberwort

I really feel for you. I was genuinely hoping you were going to reply that you have always cleaned up after him. At least it could have given a chance for you to change that and make him do it so he can see how his behavour affects you.

Sadly as this isnt the case I think you need to leave before you get even more involved by getting married and having a family. As gravity trolls has shown, it could be the boot up the backside you OH needs if he believes that you have had enough and you never know.... it could be enough to make him change. If it doesnt then you need to keep reminding yourself that he chose the bottle over you and you'd be much better out of it. I totally understand that when you love someone just the thought of leaving them is horrific, but you need to put yourself first in this situation.

Just imagine having children and your OH is still doing this. Can you even comprehend trying to do things like toilet training your children if they see their dad peeing wherever. Thats just the tip of the iceberg imo and these are things you need to think about. I really hope your able to get him to understand exactly how this is affecting you and your future together but somehow get the feeling your better off without him.

Morgan_Ree

I'd give him an ultimatum. Tell him it's the drink or you.
Ok you might not mean it but it could be the shock he needs to sort himself out.

Is he out tonight?