worst night of my life

Thrifty_Pixie

bargainbetty wrote: »

Hi honey,

You are a grown up. It is none of your parents business if you smoke or have debts. Both are legal and common. If your parents (it seems more your Dad than your Mum) start having a go, recite this simple mantra to them/him: I love you, but you are not my judge.

Long version: It is my debt, and I am dealing with it. I am not asking you for money, nor would I take it if you offered. I am working hard to make a better life for myself, and if I choose to take a short holiday in between studying and working, that is none of your business. My smoking isn't your business either.

And if me saying this makes you feel bad, think how you telling me I am giving you a heart attack makes me feel, and be ashamed of yourself. That is little more than mental abuse.

Your Dad needs to grow up - you are doing well, and addressing your debts. This is no one's business but yours.

Good luck and very best wishes x

Very well said. I can't stand to see parents emotionally blackmailing their kids. Stick to your guns, Steph

notanothergreyhair

I have to say that there are several posts in this thread, including that of the OP, which all deserve to be nominated and rewarded as post of the month.

This thread epitomises what the DFW section of this site is all about; very difficult situation has been put forward by the OP and the raw emotion is easy to feel. That wasn't an easy post to make, OP. There is some very sound advice posted on this forum every day and I am grateful for its existence.

OP - *big hug* It is all too easy for parents, indeed any person, to have expectations based on their own preconceptions and values. It isn't always easy to sidestep the barrage at times, but it can be done.

All the best.

Notty

spud30

Steph, I havent any advice to add. Others have done a grand job there. I just wanted to say I think your parents should be pleased that you're studying at Uni, getting great results AND working so hard. You got a loan, and are paying it back. Hardly the crime of the century is it.

Too many parents these days focus on negatives in their children's lives instead of celebrating the positives. My daughter is only 14, but if she turns out as hard working and dedicated as you are, I'll be ever so proud of her.

I really hope things improve with your folks soon xxx

stephy110288

Thank you, you are all so so kind. When I woke up this morning i'd only had about an hours sleep, and i just felt a complete mess. my boyfriend pleaded with me to at least get out of bed but my plan was to stay there all day. its usually how i handle things. right now i have just got out of the shower and i'm going to meet my boyfriend for a drink when he finishes work. he's right, sitting in and feeling sorry for myself was only going to make it worse.
and its thanks to you people that i have been able to sort my head out today, everyone has made me realise that i'm not a bad person for having debts, i was stupid at 18 and now i'm tryin so hard to make it right. i need to stop letting their judgement influence the way i think and look at the big picture. i dont have any hassle from creditors anymore as they are all getting payments that they are happy with, it might not be much right now but i'm at uni and plan to pay more when i graduate. i have enough money left over because of my tips that i can still have a bit of a life, although now they have made me feel bad about that too
anyway for now i am going to take each day as it comes. i will continue to pay what i'm paying, and right now i'm going to go and have a glass of wine. i cant thank you all enough for your kindness, you are all amazing. i will update tomorrow x

beanielou

We are all stupid/silly whatever at 18.
I dont know anyone who wasent.

custardy

beanielou wrote: »

We are all stupid/silly whatever at 18.
I dont know anyone who wasent.

thats where i started my debt marathon
some 15+ years later im back at £0 but it was a slog

HellsGranny

stephy110288 wrote: »

When I woke up this morning i'd only had about an hours sleep, and i just felt a complete mess. my boyfriend pleaded with me to at least get out of bed but my plan was to stay there all day. its usually how i handle things.

Hi Stephy,

Your b/f was right to get you out of bed, wanting to hibernate is one of the early signs of depression, so a word with your doctor might be a good idea.

I am appalled at the emotional blackmail that your parents are trying to lay on you. My father was the same when I changed religion, but I stood up and said 'I'm an adult, Dad, it's my life and my choice.' He wasn't happy but he accepted it.

You are doing all the right things, working as well as studying, it must be hard for you, but keep on.

I would suggest you write to your parents, explaining that you are adult and make your own decisions, that you are not on drugs or drink binges, that you are working and paying off your own debts little by little, and would not dream of letting them pay for you. Dress it up though, I get a bit blunt at times!:)

Don't mention how badly they made you feel, or they will continue with the emotional blackmail. You don't need it. Concentrate on your own problems. (quick thought; Why was your father opening your mail anyway?)

Your parents no longer control your life, you do, and you are allowed to make your own mistakes and pay your own bills.

Good for You!:T

Cheers, Hell's Granny.

beanielou

Well Im well behind you custardy.

Mikeone

notanothergreyhair wrote: »

This thread epitomises what the DFW section of this site is all about; very difficult situation has been put forward by the OP and the raw emotion is easy to feel. That wasn't an easy post to make, OP. There is some very sound advice posted on this forum every day and I am grateful for its existence.

Definitely agree Notty. I've been reading this thread all day (haven't contributed because the advice and support has all been sound enough anyway) but I wanted to check in and say how representative it is of the best of DFW.

Steph, good luck with everything, and please continue to use these boards. Its a cracking community and it will definitely help you to take a positive, constructive and responsible view of debt and finance in general (not that you need it!).

Best wishes

RuthnJasper

Back again Stephy! Well done for getting through the day.

Have a really lovely night out with your man - you deserve a bit of fun.:beer:

The next few days or so won't be easy - but you have the sense, the strength and the support to make it. You WILL come out on the other side of this.

Keep us updated with how you're getting on. We're rooting for you all the way!