worst night of my life

bargainbetty

Hi honey,

You are a grown up. It is none of your parents business if you smoke or have debts. Both are legal and common. If your parents (it seems more your Dad than your Mum) start having a go, recite this simple mantra to them/him: I love you, but you are not my judge.

Long version: It is my debt, and I am dealing with it. I am not asking you for money, nor would I take it if you offered. I am working hard to make a better life for myself, and if I choose to take a short holiday in between studying and working, that is none of your business. My smoking isn't your business either.

And if me saying this makes you feel bad, think how you telling me I am giving you a heart attack makes me feel, and be ashamed of yourself. That is little more than mental abuse.

Your Dad needs to grow up - you are doing well, and addressing your debts. This is no one's business but yours.

Good luck and very best wishes x

SuzySu

Hi stephy....I'm dashing out in a moment but just wanted to add that it will get better. I did something years ago that upset my parents dreadfully. Mo mother told me "you are killing your father..." I'm not. But it took a lot of strength not to believe her emotional reaction. Will catch up with this thread later and post more.

Stay strong. They might be your parents but it doesn't mean that they know everything. A lot of what you are feeling is guilt about having "let them down". You haven't. You've made a mistake and have learnt from it and are now putting it right. That says a lot more about your development than living by their rules. Parents have to let their children make mistakes. It's how we grow.

Soma

well done Stephy, what a fantastic boyfriend you have. Like you said, your parents come from a different generation so find it difficult to deal with.

Ruth, so sorry to hear about what happened to you. Sounds as if you are doing really well now.

RuthnJasper

stephy110288 wrote: »

Ruth, thank you for being so so so understanding.

Thanks Stephy, you're lovely. x Don't feel bad about still being in bed though. You have been through MASSIVE stress (in addition to the ongoing debt-stress!) over the last 48-or so hours. You need to just chill and give your body time to recover. Try and find some time this weekend (if you can) to treat yourself to something nice. Go for a nice romantic walk with the bf or some other thing that you like. You've done so well and you should be really, REALLY proud of yourself. But do make sure you give your body the time and rest it needs to bounce back.

There's NO shame in staying in bed if you need to - it's your body's way of healing itself.

stephy110288

You are all so right. It really is nothing to do with them I know that, but I also know they think they can help me. they cant, and i dont want help. I am fiercly independant, and that is why i left home at 19. i didnt have a terrible home life or anything like that, i just felt trapped. i was 19 years old and i went to work at a company that all my family work at, i was pretty much forced into it and told that i would like it because its great pay, and it was for my age. the thing is, i became depressed at that job. anyone who actually knew me should have known that i would never ever suit working in an office doing a job where i felt that i wasnt making a difference to something. my job was an office job and i knew that if i wasnt there nothing in the world would change. it might sound ridiculous but i get more of a buzz from waitressing part time, when someone tells me that i have made their experience enjoyable, i love that, i've made them happy. anyway so i left the awful job after 2 years and went into full time waitressing because i loved it and i got promoted to manager. they hated me for making this decision and yes financially, it was the wrong choice, but i honestly feel i would have died inside if i'd carried on at the job.
and i guess thats where the problems started, my decisions were always influenced by what they would say. my sister always said to me to just do it, i'm 22 and its my own life and they will just have to deal with it. shes right and so are all of u, it just breaks my heart to heart my mum crying down the phone

RuthnJasper

Soma wrote: »

well done Stephy, what a fantastic boyfriend you have. Like you said, your parents come from a different generation so find it difficult to deal with.

Ruth, so sorry to hear about what happened to you. Sounds as if you are doing really well now.

Thank you Soma, I appreciate that. I actually think I'm a stronger person now for what has happened. And I actually have a better relationship with my parents now I know I don't have to beat myself up for their issues.:T

I wish I had been as strong as Stephy when I was 22 - could've saved myself a lot of bother... And I'm wondering if her lovely boyfriend has an older brother...:D hehe...

stephy110288

Haha afraid not! All sisters!
The thing is i have never been happier in my life than i am right now. i had two horrific years with health issues, job, money, house, relationships etc, stuff that a 20 year old shouldnt have had to deal with! and everything is right now. i enjoy my job, i earn good money, i live with my boyfriend and our friend and it works and its affordable, and i'm healthy. i just wish this hadnt have happened i really do because i know it will be a year at least before things are normal again, if they ever will be.
i want to thank you all for being so nice. i have seen people post things on here before and get completely battered by people and i think thats really mean, but you have been lovely and made me feel better and less ashamed of myself x

RuthnJasper

stephy110288 wrote: »

i have so many friends that are also in debt, or friends that get their student loan and its gone in a week on silly stuff or on drink, i dont do that.

Hehehe, when my best friend was at Uni., one of her friends got his Student Loan and blew it on: a crystal decanter and tumbler set for his room in the Halls of Residence (why? WHY...?!:)); a ski-ing holiday. The prat.

Your parents really should be so proud of you. What about sitting down and writing them a letter, stating pretty much the good things you have said on this thread; how much you love and respect them; perhaps also a gentle hint as to how much their anger and words are distressing you? Not an angry, but a friendly, letter? That might help them to understand you a bit more. x

RuthnJasper

stephy110288 wrote: »

Haha afraid not! All sisters!
x

Dammit! Always the way.:mad: Couldn't you clone him?!;)

It's true that these experiences make us stronger in the long term. You have absolutely NOTHING to feel ashamed about. And - hey - your boyfriend is lucky to have YOU.:A

stephy110288

Hahahaha there are so many people do that! We had a friend who got his, went out and bought a tuxedo for a uni ball that cost all of his loan, because he wanted to impress a girl there. he didnt get the girl and he had to eat noodles three times a day for the rest of the term!!
i know they were proud of me when i told them my uni results for first year, i just think that this wont matter to them now, with the heart attacks they are having n everything. good lord. what would they have done if i said i was heroine and pregnant when i was 15 like i see on jeremy kyle!!!!!!!!!!!! i dread to think. thats what i hope they think about, i could be doing alot more stuff at my age and in my profession than being in debt. i used to work at a restaurant near their house which they loved because i would stay there every night after work so they got to see me all the time. but everyone there was doing drugs all the time and the managers even encouraged it, i didnt feel comfortable working there so left and got a job nearer to home in the city, so they dont see me as much. i could tell they were angry and not happy that i left because of the situation. in my job alot of people are on drugs while working, to get them through the long hours. i obviously dont agree with it but i wish they knew how common it was and how i'm not really that bad!!!!!!