worst night of my life

Soma

it sounds as if they love you very much and will have some very strong emotions at first but will come round eventually (though probably not 100% happy with the situation). Earlier advice on telling the truth and accepting responsibility sounds spot on.

jak

You should be so proud of yourself for planning and paying off your debts. Hopefully your parents will understand that you got yourself in a bad situation but you are being responsible enough to sort it out yourself. Good luck! X

d3mon4ngel

Just wanted to say good luck.

Remember, we all make mistakes, particularly when we are young, but it shows true maturity to turn and face the consequences and get yourself back on track. It's only fair that they would be worried about their little girl, but show them that you are an adult now and don't let them put you on a guilt trip.

(( HUGS ))

stephy110288

thank you all for being so nice. it was horrific, they were both crying and i really hate myself right now. i just told them its under control and im managing
they cant afford to lend me the money and i would never ask. they also cant afford to pay my rent while in uni etc, and to be honest i wouldnt want them to. i work hard when i'm off uni, and work 2 shifts a week when i'm in uni, and it IS under control and i've told them this. my mum was ok but my dad doesnt believe me and thinks that i have paid for my holiday using credit which is completely untrue, but i guess he will think i'm lying because i lied about not smoking once.
i feel so awful doing this to them, but i've only hidden it to save them this heartache.
my dad even said he felt he was having a heart attack. nothing like a good guilt trip.

lyndasharp

Well done for having the conversation, I'm sure your parents will calm down given time. Big hugs!

RuthnJasper

Stephy, sweetie, you are going to be OK. I can't add too much to what the other posters have said - their advice is exactly what I would have said. It also sounds like you have an incredibly supportive boyfriend - he's a keeper!

But one thing I do know is how hard this is for you. My parents are missionaries and utterly, utterly devoutly religious. When my brother and I were small, access to loads of stuff like Dr. Who, Grange Hill, Top of the Pops, Blackadder, etc., was denied because they presented a non-religious worldview... I'm not getting into that; this is your thread, not mine:o However, when I got into debt and started dealing with one or two other issues I was left in no doubt about what a disappointment I was - I even received a cross email from my brother about "what I had done to my parents" with regard to my IVA:(.

I'm now 35 and the beginning of the end of this major problem, for me, came about somewhat ironically in my weekly counselling appointment for a worse issue. When I was small, I was "interfered with" by the son of equally religious friends of my parents. My parents, I found out a couple of years ago, knew what was done to me and by whom. But it "couldn't have happened" because those sorts of things, it seems, don't happen in their world. I tortured myself trying to pluck up the courage to tell mum and dad what had happened to me - only to then find that they knew all along and mum had even been sitting downstairs with her friend on the day it happened and was forced to take me home when I reappeared in a horrendous state.

It has taken me over 25 years to learn and believe that I can beat myself up for this no longer. The fact that my parents tell me that I am "making up" what happpened "to get attention" and that it cannot have happened because "boys don't do those things to little girls" is THEIR problem (which I understand. It's easier for them to tell themselves that.).

Without meaning to, my parents made much of my life miserable. But I have learned not to look for support or comfort from them on this particular subject because they cannot offer it - and that's to do with them and NOT me.

***

I'm not terribly popular with my mum still, but I think I can now see why, and I suspect it may be a similar case with your parents (apologies for sounding presumptious). They come from a different generation, where debt problems were more of a stigma than they are now. They probably are hurt and angry (i.e. "After all we told her, she still goes and does this"... "what's wrong with her?"... etc.). But also (I believe it is the case with my parents), there is also a sadness and mourning for what is passing away from them - a kind of 'empty nest syndrome'.

You are making it in this world. You are at Uni., you have your own circle of friends and what sounds like a very nice, caring, boyfriend. As others have posted above, you have the good sense and maturity to recognise that your debts are getting out of control and are dealing with the problem before it gets worse, which shows you have great wisdom. All this you are doing on your own, without their influence.

I can tell that it grates on my mum that I am doing the same. I have my own little house and I think she doesn't quite understand why I'm not constantly on the 'phone, asking "how do I cook this?", "how do I fix this?", "what should I do when...?". Like you, I am making my own way in the world and maturing into a pretty decent person without my parents controlling my every move.

But at the end of it all, your parents love you very, very much, as mine love me. We have made some decisions and mistakes that they probably wouldn't have. That's probably where their anger comes from - if they didn't love you so much, they wouldn't get cross. And, in their eyes, it probably seems like only about a week or two has passed since you were lying on a little mat, chuckling and gurgling while they changed your poopy nappy;).

I know that it is very very hard for you - as it was for me - but please don't beat yourself up about their reaction. It is their problem and honestly not yours. Just reassure them that you will always love and respect them; it wasn't your intention to get into debt; and you are dealing with it sensibly. If they are already shouting at you, don't add your inner voice to theirs.

You are going to be OK - you're going to be a great person who is a credit to herself AND her parents.

Look after yourself - feel free to PM me if you ever want to sound-off or get some support.

x

stephy110288

they feel i shouldnt be living "the high life" when i have debt. its hardly a high life! i work 50 hours a week in a restaurant and rarely ever ever ever go out like most students. i bargain hunt, and i only eat out when i have a voucher for the restaurant.
one good thing to maybe come of it is that i have a new determination to get more paid off, i just dont want to kill myself working to pay it off and have no life and go back into those dark days of having no food in the house and no money
i'm lucky that i have a fantastic partner whos so understanding of my situation

RuthnJasper

stephy110288 wrote: »

they feel i shouldnt be living "the high life" when i have debt. its hardly a high life! i work 50 hours a week in a restaurant and rarely ever ever ever go out like most students. i bargain hunt, and i only eat out when i have a voucher for the restaurant.
one good thing to maybe come of it is that i have a new determination to get more paid off, i just dont want to kill myself working to pay it off and have no life and go back into those dark days of having no food in the house and no money
i'm lucky that i have a fantastic partner whos so understanding of my situation

Sounds like they are believing the press about the worst stereotype of student. Doesn't sound to me like you're living the high-life! Keep strong - one day, all of this will just be history. You're going to come through this. It will be OK. Big hugs. x

stephy110288

Ruth, thank you for being so so so understanding. And I am so sorry for what happened to you, its horrific and cruel.
i understand what you mean about a different generation, i have so many friends that are also in debt, or friends that get their student loan and its gone in a week on silly stuff or on drink, i dont do that. when i get my loan i pay my three months of rent with it, pay a month towards my debt management plan, put some aside to live off, and anything left over i will pay towards another debt. and then i work part time to top up my money, and i allow myself a treat with my tips. i dont go out drinkin every night, i rarely do, i concentrate on my studies, i'm payin 10 grand to go there so whats the point in being drunk?
i understand about them not offering support, i am so envious of people who have that close relationship with their parents and can tell them anything. my mum didnt even beleive me when i told her id started my periods, and it was horrific having to tell her at all. they aren't like that to me, i wish they were but i realise its never going to happen.
i also agree with the empty nest syndrome, i am the youngest of 4, and my brothers and sisters are all married with kids, i doubt that they would be stickin their nose into their finances!
yes i am very lucky with my boyfriend, he's known from two years back that this was my situation, and he is more than understanding. i have had to cancel holidays before because i hadnt earned enough tips for the spends, and he still never gets angry. he helps me with money whenever he can, but i always pay him back, i dont expect him to carry my problem that started years before i knew him.
thank you again for being understanding and making me feel better. i am still sat in bed feeling sorry for myself but my head feels a little clearer!

thehog

Go Stephy! From all you have said it sounds like you are mature for your age, you have realised your mistakes and most importantly of all you have dealt with them. Things will be harsh with your folks at first but I feel sure that once you explain everything and the way you've now got things under control, given time, your folks will see that you have handled a difficult situation very well.

Chin up, good luck and let us know how it all goes.