worst night of my life

TUS

stephy110288 wrote: »

a few months ago they found out that i used to smoke as well, so with this as well i just feel like they will be wondering what the hell they have done wrong to make me turn out like this.

You've turned out alright! You're being incredibly mature about your situation at a time when many wouldn't be (it's VERY easy for a student to think ... "its OK, I'll just pay this off after uni when I get that amazing job" ... reality is different). I left Uni and went into a £16k pa job - not what I was expecting.

Tell them your debt free date of 6 years. If, at a later date, you can make higher payments then keep that to yourself. Imagine how proud they will be when, 2 years early you can surprise them with the news you have cleared all of your debts early through hard work. :-)

stephy110288

I know. thats what my boyfriend keeps sayin to me. that it might be horrible now but in a few months time it will be ok, he keeps telling me it will be ok in the end, because right now i'm refusing to eat or get out of bed. i know its pathetic, peoples lives are so so so much worse than mine, and i need to stop feeling sorry for myself. i have just had this sick feelin in my stomach since last night

GEEGEE8

They should be proud of you!

At 22 I went bankrupt for £60,000, hadn't been college or uni, had a failing buisness and had just left my long term boyfriend.

You are 22, you need to take control of this. I know what you mean about money, I can go to my mum easily if i'm struggling and I know she will help me and not judge me. My dad however would moan about 'that money' for ages.

They can't make you go home, and why should they, you are 22 and you need your own life. Why don't they try and help you out with repaying it and contributing to your monthly expenses if they can.

Don't just crack up and apologise. You tell them that you are an adult and whilst you understand their disappointment, it's none of their business what you do.

stephy110288

Everyone is so nice. thank you, i already feel better about making the call. i realise that once they know, every time they notice i've bought something, or gone somewhere they will question how i can afford it. thing is i dont really go out much. ive finished uni for the summer, and i'm workin full time in a restaurant all summer. i am going on holiday in sept but thats with my boyfriends family and all we had to pay for was a cheap flight. ive saved up my spending money from my tips at the restaurant. but they wont see this they will just see that i owe money therefore i probably cant afford to eat!!! argh, i realise i am ranting and i'm sorry! i just hate them knowing that i have lied to them for years they were so disappointed when they learned i had smoked, because they had preiviously asked me if i did and i said no. i just dont have a close relationship with them at all, i hardly tell them anything because they are so judgemental

stephy110288

I know. thats what my boyfriend keeps sayin to me. that it might be horrible now but in a few months time it will be ok, he keeps telling me it will be ok in the end, because right now i'm refusing to eat or get out of bed. i know its pathetic, peoples lives are so so so much worse than mine, and i need to stop feeling sorry for myself. i have just had this sick feelin in my stomach since last night

GEEGEE8

I had to tell my new boyfriend about my previous bankruptcy, knowing he how a REALLY low opinion of debts and had never been in debt himself, ever! lol.

After a year I plucked up the courage, he was annoyed that I couldn't tell him before, but everything is ok now. I also thought that he would be watching my every penny that I spent, but he was fine and hasn't ever commented on anything, he's just tried to help me out.

Stop worrying, and you tell your parents what you told us. Write down the positive points before you ring them!

stephy110288

he just rang me and told me to ring. going to calm down for a minute and ring. wish me luck people, thanks for making me feel better

mandragora_2

I'm a parent of two sons who've gone through uni - we had similar anxieties and tensions about our kids saddling themselves with debt. It's not about control, despite what our youngest son might feel - it's just so hard to see your kids land themselves with something they will be paying for for years, and, as far as you possibly can, you try and steer them away from it. I'm quite sure your parents will wish you weren't in debt. However, you are. I'm quite sure you didn't want them to find out about it. However, they have.

There may well be lots of hurt feelings - theirs will be about disaapointment and frustration at seeing you make what seems to them to be a terrible mistake. You have hidden it from them - for reasons that seem fair enough to you - your life, your choices, don't need to row about it, so keep it private - but to them, it will be hurtful that you have lied to them. They will also want to have been able to help you - in our situation, I'd want to offer to lend them the money from our savings at a 'no interest' rate, so they could get rid of the burden of the debt and start paying it back at a sensible level. By not telling them (for reasons I completely understand) you've denied them this chance. It's not an easy situation, I know. My husband found it particularly hard to deal with, because for us, debt is something you avoid at all costs. However, among my sons' peers, it seems to us that they take on loans with gay abandon, and really don't have anything much to show for it at the end.

All of this is by way of saying, please, please be brave now - go and see your parents. Yes, it might come across as anger, but once that's been expressed, know that they do love you, and do only have your best interests at heart. For you all, in the end of the day, it may be that this is one of those things that you all need to 'agree to disagree' over. Your debt, you will deal with it. If they want to help you, and they might, think carefully about what you want. For us, it has come down to that we give money for the things we choose to help out with (it was tuition fees and accommodation) and the rest is down to them. We don't get told, and we don't want to know. Thier lives, their choices, their responsibilities. I hope that if either one of them was really stuck, they'd turn to us for help. The hardest thing of all though, is to bail them out for things that you didn't agree with in the first place. As parents, my husband and I have decided that if - and when - we pay out for things, once it's given, it's given - end of story, and the hardest but most important thing is not ever to then discuss it or harp on about it. And, if we don't agree with paying out for something, we won't - and again, that's the end of the discussion.

Good luck with today. Play a 'long game' on this one - it will work itself out in the end, I promise you.

Muppet81

Good luck Stephy. I agree wholeheartedly with the advice given by TUS.

I think you have done a brilliant job in managing to get to grips with your debt rather than sticking your head in the sand as so many would.

Yes, they will hate the fact that you are in debt and have that problem but they should be proud of you for handling it in such a mature way.

As to the holiday, I hope it does you the world of good. Scrimping and saving is hard work and the odd treat will hopefully give you the strength to carry on getting your debts under control.

Your boyfriend sounds sensible and supportive and that is what you need not recriminations and shouting.

Thinking about you.

kaz665

Just wanted to send you a virtual hug. I'm sure once you get the phone call out the way you'll be able to think things through a bit more clearly