worst night of my life

miggy

Wow Butti, so glad you got through all that okay!
I will never see Great Ayton the same again (A word of explanation - Butti & I have discovered we live within hollering distance of each other). I too have seen the kindness of strangers in sunny Middlesbrough - our DS got lost there aged 11 but someone got him safely to the Police Station before we got there ourselves.
Jaasper, LOL, I haven't heard that one before!
All - I see a business opportunity for someone to open the Reconciliation Coffee Shop chain, it would go well in the world of The Number One Ladies' Detective Agency.
Seriously, that's a good idea, especially the time-limited bit. I would love to hear how it goes if someone tries it out.

RuthnJasper

miggy wrote: »

Wow Butti, so glad you got through all that okay!

Jaasper, LOL, I haven't heard that one before!
All - I see a business opportunity for someone to open the Reconciliation Coffee Shop chain, it would go well in the world of The Number One Ladies' Detective Agency.
Seriously, that's a good idea, especially the time-limited bit. I would love to hear how it goes if someone tries it out.

Miggz -Glad your DS was OK.:) Love your idea. Seriously. I LOVE baking sweet treats and long to make a REAL difference in the world to those who've suffered as I have. My specialities = chocolate brownie, coca-cola cake (from Nigella), apple and cinnamon pastries, cups of tea (Honest. I have a certificate from when I was in the Brownies...!). Jasper is good at cuddles 'n' comfort.

So, girlz, what about it? Coffee 'n' Kindness. Seriously - there are government grants for starting up these things (and possibly for the reigning-in of Jasper's farting).

R&J xx

stephy110288

morning everyone
ahhhh black friday. as someone who has worked in bars and clubs for 6 years, i have seen alot of these things happen on black friday!!! last year i worked in a swanky wine bar, and it got a bit rowdy later on. at 2am which was kickin out time someone came down and told me that there was someone collapsed in the girls toilets. i have a serious phobia of being near people who throw up, so i went an got the bouncer! next minute hes carryin this girl down the stairs in a firemans lift and puts her on a chair outside. i refused to look after her convinced she was going to be sick so another waitress did. problem was her friend was so drunk too. a minute later and i looked outside and both the girls are face first on the pavement being sick on eachother, and on the lovely plant that was outside! when the waitress tried to help them up they were sick on her too!!! one of their boyfriends came to pick them up in a really fancy car, i doubt he will have been too impressed!
my mum called up yesterday "just for a chat" again. its not like i dont enjoy talking to her but it just feels so false. and shes so cringey. like she'll ask me stupid things like if i'm in love with dex (my bf) and ill be like yeah why else would someone be with someone, and then she'd say how lovely it was. but i bet u any money that if he ever (and he wont) propose she'd tell me it was too soon and a massive mistake etc!!!!
i'm back to work tomorrow which i'm dreading because everyone knows i've had "personal problems" over the weekend and i neither want to talk about it or be treated like an invalid!!!
oh something good did happen yesterday though, i checked my credit file, which i force myself to do alot now and noticed there was a default on with scottish power at an old address, so i rang them and they quoted dates which were after i moved out. i thought id have a whole load of messin about havin to send them the tenancy agreements etc but they were like ok don't worry we'll close that account and get the credit referencing team to take it off. whooo hooo! score.
ruth.... please please please tell me about coca cola cakes. i love coke and i love making cakes. this sounds like fun!!! xx

miggy

stephy110288 wrote: »

my mum called up yesterday "just for a chat" again. its not like i dont enjoy talking to her but it just feels so false. and shes so cringey. like she'll ask me stupid things like if i'm in love with dex (my bf) and ill be like yeah why else would someone be with someone, and then she'd say how lovely it was. but i bet u any money that if he ever (and he wont) propose she'd tell me it was too soon and a massive mistake etc!!!!
i'm back to work tomorrow which i'm dreading because everyone knows i've had "personal problems" over the weekend and i neither want to talk about it or be treated like an invalid!!!
oh something good did happen yesterday though, i checked my credit file,

Stephy - the wine bar story is gross! I bet they felt the same! LOL

Sounds as though your mum might be struggling to make conversation too? To give her her due, she's making an attempt, but it doesn't sound like the sort of thing you can make a conversation out of!

If it's any help - parents love to be asked for advice (whether you need it or not ) - maybe there's something fairly neutral you could humour her with? 'Mum... I was thinking about the scones / chocolate cake / caviar (whatever) you used to make for us - I was wondering if I could try your recipe?' You would probably have to go ahead and cook it, but then you could distract her from difficult subjects with 'I love that recipe, thank you so much, b/f was well impressed too!'

I guess you would have to choose a time when you felt good at acting but it might help!

Sorry about work. Is there a friendly colleague who would field questions for you?

Brilliant news on the credit file, that's a real result! And you have reminded me I need to check the Bank Statements...

RuthnJasper wrote: »

Miggz -Glad your DS was OK.:)

That would be the same DS I had in A&E on Sunday with lacerations caused by a saw that slipped?! :eek::eek:

:D:D he's mending nicely though!

RuthnJasper wrote: »

Love your idea. Seriously. I LOVE baking sweet treats and long to make a REAL difference in the world to those who've suffered as I have. My specialities = chocolate brownie, coca-cola cake (from Nigella), apple and cinnamon pastries, cups of tea (Honest. I have a certificate from when I was in the Brownies...!). Jasper is good at cuddles 'n' comfort.

So, girlz, what about it? Coffee 'n' Kindness. Seriously - there are government grants for starting up these things (and possibly for the reigning-in of Jasper's farting).

R&J xx

Oh, you are making me hungry! Please get your business plan together soon and make sure you do mail order! Then pm me your details!

*Thinks* Coffee & Reconciliation Commission?

katsu

Stephy,

I recommend doing things together like watching a play (someone else suggested a movie) or visitng craft fairs, exhibitions or even maybe car boot sales for your Mum' shopping idea on the cheap? That gives you either time together without talking (movie or play) and a safe topic of conversation - what you thought of the movie/play or what you like/dislike about the crafts/art or what bargains/tat there is at the car boot. None of the conversation needs to be about you and your lifestyle this way.

I found this approach helpful in building relationships with the in-laws. HTH.

Soma

Buttie - thanks for the funny story, glad you found a kind stranger

Steph - sounds like your mum is making the effort to rebuild the relationship which is good. Great ideas form other peeps on here - maybe you could even do baking together?

RuthnJasper

Stephy - sorry to have been out of touch; had a bit of a mad week, hehehe. Burned myself while cooking the other day (BAD), then was live on Radio 2 with Simon Mayo yesterday (GOOD)... it never rains but it pours... What a week! AND it's only Wednesday!;) At least Jasper is still sane (I think)!

Just wondering how things are with your parents? Any better? I hope so.

Love & hugs,

Ruth & Jasper
xxx

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Stephy, Just found your thread and wanted to add my two pennyworth!

Ive always been v close to my parents, they've dealt with situations with me re my disability through thick and thin, and much of their advice when I was leaving school I did. Things like having a blue badge as they were called then, many companies had to employ a certain percentage of people with disabilities and you qualified if you had a blue badge. I didn't want this, but mum was really worried I would be un employable and these were in Margaret Thatcher days. This is just one eg where I did what I was told even though I didn't want a badge.

I was born in 1965 when there were !!!!!! schools and my parents got me into one after they were told there was no point bothering with me as I would have the life of a vegetable. (I became disabled as a result of a whooping cough jab at 6 months) So, I know it must have been v hard for them, and a constant fight. And so I understand their need to protect me!

Its a fight nevertheless, always having to prove the point that Iam a human being with the right to choose and achieve and follow my dreams and aspirations. Typing at school, no I was told its not possible by the school. Yes it was! We found a book for typing with one hand and copied how to do it. I passed with commendations. Walking, yes I was able to walk as a youngster against all expectation thanks to my mum and dads efforts and operations. Work, yes I achieved great success in the banking industry for 18 years. During that time I was the 1st cashier, my Managers thought me and cashiering just wouldn't be poss with only using one hand but it was. I used a tupperware bowl on my lap to catch the change whilst I counted it. Ive since left and have my own Kleeneze business, something others thought was a wrong move, and yet Ive achieved 2 awards since Ive joined, one being for my success in the face of adversity and the other for my sales.

Through all these achievements my parents have been v proud, but now Im in my forties, Im a widow, I married but my dh who loved me for me was murdered just after our dd was born - yes, that was something else I wasn't supposed to be able to do, have a family , but I am managing to bring up my dd on my own whilst running my own business albeit with debt to pay off! Its now I find myself at complete odds with my parents from time to time particularly my mum. I fall over sometimes, they worry about me working, getting tired etc. They want the best for me but somehow at times I feel they want me to do it their way, and thats not mine. The way I dealt with it was to write to them. When I was pregnant with dd my sister thought I should not be having a child saying I wouldn't cope and so I wrote to her telling her that I will be having my child and that is final.

Its been quite a thing to say no to my family. So, sometimes our conversations get heated with my mum and sister in particular, although we all love each other v much under it all, and we would be the first to be by each others side in times of need. Also, when I started to fall over more when dd was a toddler, I sought help from Soc Services whose advice was for me to give up work so I was on the right benefits for help. I argued why couldn't they offer the support to enable me to stay in work, the answer was no so I thought Im best off without them and I have managed since so that taught me to believe in myself more.

So, my point which I apologise for being a long time coming is that the right to choose your life path is so so precious, to keep being true to yourself. Knowing your path is yours to follow and you are able to go on it. Your parents will need to accept that. Value your right to choose how you lead your life, to make your own decisions. Follow your own instinct. You are doing v well, the support on this thread is simply great. Good luck!

RuthnJasper

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED wrote: »

Stephy, Just found your thread and wanted to add my two pennyworth!

...Knowing your path is yours to follow and you are able to go on it. Your parents will need to accept that. Value your right to choose how you lead your life, to make your own decisions. Follow your own instinct. You are doing v well, the support on this thread is simply great. Good luck!

P&F - what a fabulous post. I'm sorry that life has been so rotten to you. Your strength and lack of bitterness is really inspiring. Your daughter is so lucky to have such a brilliant mum.:)

I agree totally with what you say - we HAVE to stand up for what we know is right for us - it's the only way to avoid the "oh, if ONLY I had...." nightmare in future.

I have a friend in the US who is in his late forties. He never could say no to his parents. We thought he might make the break when they were forced to sell their home due to their old age (being too frail to maintain the property, etc.). Alas, no. He now lives with them in their tiny retirement-home unit. Hmmmm....

I have felt SO much better - and continue to recover from my own problems - ever since I understood that I could no longer live my life to please parents who were disappointed in me whatever I did.

Good times.

Love to all. And to you and your little girl, especially, P&F x

shebrett

Just thought I'd jump in, your parents remind me of a friend of mine whose parents were older than most and kept trying to "hang out" with her but also put on some serious guilt trips. Don't know if it helps but she stopped the problem side of the relationship by going out each month with her mum to a market or boot fair as it was a kind of all ages type activity and then drove her mum home and stayed for dinner so she saw her dad as well. Whenever they tried a guilt trip she just politely clammed up on the information and told them that she didn't mean to upset them and it was probably best if she go and she would see them the next day out. Did the same thing on phone calls.... a little manipulative I know, but they soon figured out that if they started trying to have a go emotionally she would go home. It mostly helped her a lot as she didn't sit through their lectures about how she was upsetting them, so she stopped feeling guilty all the time for just having a normal life. She gets on much better with them now and her mother in particular is much more relaxed because they have a mother daughter days out thing going on. On the other side, it did take her a while to get the whole thing working for her and it was VERY difficult for her to say no to them for about the first 6 months or so, but it did get better.