worst night of my life

stephy110288

No no one else see's it... so then when i complain to my sister about it she thinks i'm exaggerating because she doesnt see. well my other sister beleives me cos they used to do it to her too. no with my boyfriend they are like angelic parents and although he obviously beleives me and has been text messages etc he realises that they wont do it in front of him

RuthnJasper

Soma wrote: »

so glad Jasper has been found, yay! he's a handsome chap

Steph I think family foundations are built on elephants in the room!

Thanks Soma; you're a sweetie. I told Jazz that you thought he was handsome. He just gave me "one of his looks" and barked 'I know'. Hmmm... I wonder if there are any Ego-Management courses for dogs...?:rotfl:I just took a pic of his scarring for the blog though, so that should deflate him a bit - the rest of that work will be done when my elephantine parents see him (they're in Scotland at the moment, resting their tusks), hehehe...

Have a good day everyone. :beer:

RuthnJasper

stephy110288 wrote: »

morning all. i completely fell asleep by 10pm last night, think i needed to catch up! although today ive woke up with a nasty cold! butti what u wrote is so true, and i thank you for being so understanding. and fairy thats the best story ever hahaha thats what i want to remind them of! i know that they dont even agree with me living with my bf incase it doesnt work out and i have to go home again. but its been working out for a year now!
i'm not gettin my appitite back yet though yesterday i nibbled a slice of pizza and then really felt sick.
got my neices birthday party today, my mum will be there but my dad wont, so i doubt anythin will be said, also i will have my boyfriend there for reinforcements as they never ever ever say any put downs in front of anyone else. so they obviously know they do it!
where has the sun gone? i had hoped it would be sunny so i can play on the bouncy castle at the party?

Morning Stephy - sorry you're not feeling too grand. Just keep drinking plenty of water/juice and getting lots of rest; you'll be OK.

A party ain't a party without a bouncy castle! I want one every day!!:rotfl: You go and have a good bounce with your lovely bf at the party. Probably best not to eat all that much rich party food before jumping about though - the kiddies will all be slipping around in your puke on the castle; then they'll start heaving too... Good times.:eek:

RuthnJasper

stephy110288 wrote: »

No no one else see's it... so then when i complain to my sister about it she thinks i'm exaggerating because she doesnt see. well my other sister beleives me cos they used to do it to her too. no with my boyfriend they are like angelic parents and although he obviously beleives me and has been text messages etc he realises that they wont do it in front of him

I was going to say exactly the same thing as Butti. My parents (well, my mum anyway) is precisely the same. My counsellor helped me to see that this wasn't really anything to do with me - but was my mum's inability to deal with HER issues. Discussions in private would include such "treats" as 'No man will want you if you look like that.' 'You wear dreadful clothes.' 'No-one will want you if you are fat and don't make more of an effort.' (I'm not American-grade fat, just a bit plump, and I make plenty of effort, btw.) - and so on. Ah, memories... why will they ever fade...?;) She doesn't do it quite so much now, as my dad has got braver about speaking up and telling her how mean it is to say such things. However - the one MAJOR thing I realised, fairly recently as well, was that my mum ALWAYS had to have the last word. Whatever I'd say to defend myself or try and put her to rights, she would always come back at me with something that was so hurtful I couldn't cope anymore.

It was like two toddlers slapping each other - on and on they go, until finally one hits so hard that the other one runs away crying. (Needless to say, my brother who's happily married with kids doesn't get the same treatment).

So - the simplest thing, I have found, is not to add any more fuel to the fire. My mum will NOT change - she possibly doesn't even realise she's doing it. When she starts, I don't fire back at all now, and it's so much easier. I smile and nod, say something neutral like "oh right." and move on. If you don't poke the nest, the hornet won't come out and sting you. :cool:

Here's my tip Stephy (if you want it:)). When your mum or dad starts on you, keep your eyes focussed on them, but let your mind drift to something pleasant - like how cute your boyfriend looks first thing in the morning, all sleepy-eyed with his hair (if he's got some) all mussed-up. When you hear them stop speaking, just smile politely and nod and say "Well, OK, right. Thanks." or something equally unthreatening, politely. It's incredibly hard to keep firing stuff off at someone who isn't getting wound up by it. Again - look at a couple of toddlers - if one is bashing another with a toy and the 'victim' isn't responding, the basher will eventually give up and go away because he isn't getting a rise out of his actions. Simples! (Sorry. Couldn't resist that one.:))

Hope you enjoy the party, as much as you can. Stick with your lovely bf at the event - he's there to support you. Show your mum how dignified and happy you are (even if you don't feel it too much right now). She isn't the only person there for you to talk to - have fun with your other rellies. And we're all there in spirit with you, really rooting for you Stephy.

You're going to make it sweetie; you're going to have a great life. I really mean that.:T

stephy110288

Hey everyone.
Just got back from the party, which was fun, until the end. my sister still works at the company i used to work at where i had alot of friends. she told me that one of the girls i was really close to, her boyfriend died a few weeks ago in a car crash. i havent seen her for 2 years but i was completely gutted for her. anyway i tried not to think about it till i got home but as we were about to leave my mum pulled me to one side and started going on about how she doesnt know me and how i never want to spend time with her and i just burst into tears not cos of any of that but cos of what i'd just heard about my friend.
this girl is one of the nicest girls you could ever meet, and had been with her boyfriend since she was about 15, she would never have ever looked at anyone else. and he was just taken from her.
it put everythin in perspective it really has. i cant even begin to put myself in her position. i know how suffocating debt can be, i've been right at the very lowest because of it, but jesus, i would rather that than have my boyfriend taken from me like that.
my boyfriend asked me what had happened with my mum when we left, i told him it didnt matter. i dont know its just made me feel a bit weird, and like i dont deserve to get so distraght over arguments with my mum and dad?
on the bright side, there were no put downs! ruth, ignore your mum, no man wants a bag of bones!!!! curvey girls all the way!!!
anyway i think i need to go and let the news of this sad loss sink in. i just think that its so so so unfair.
sorry to rant about it on this site, i know its not really its purpose but over the last few days i have really enjoyed chattin with everyone. hope uve all had a great weekend xx

GEEGEE8

Heya,
A shocking story does make you think twice about all the silly things. You should have told your mum and made her realise how awful she is being to you.

Had a great weekend myself, despite the windy weather ruining my hair ! lol

miggy

Hi Stephy, that's really sad news about your friend's loss. As you say, it puts a different perspective on things. Why not send her a sympathy card? It's a little thing but it will probably help her to know you care.
My DH went on a course about dealing with challenging situations and one of the questions they were told to ask themselves was, how important will all this be in 6 months? For your friend, of course it will still be of prime importance. For you and your parents, to some extent at least, the situation will have moved on.
Being a daughter and also a parent, I see a bit of each 'side' here. Your mum is greiving for the person she dreamed you'd be, but she's yet to get to know who you are - and of course her behaviour isn't helping. This isn't to put a guilt trip on you: it's something she has to work through, but she is hurting and that's at least some of why she acts as she does. I had so many issues with my mum but one day I told her I loved her - really, despite appearances to the contrary! - and something shifted for the better in our relationship. I learned that deep down, me going my way felt to her like a rejection, and she needed that reassurance.
Nowadays I have one grownup and 2 teenage offspring and I'm having to learn for myself to appreciate them and see the good in them even when they do things I brought them up not to do! They probably think I'm out of the ark, but core values are core values and when someone you love goes against them, it's very painful. On the other hand, in your case, you have already learned the hard way and I hope your parents will get to the point where they can see this and acknowledge you have your debts under control and you are sorting the situation out. You can be proud of yourself for tackling this even if they can't see it at the moment!
Anyway, you're not ranting - this site is partly about supporting each other and talking things through. {hugs}

stephy110288

thank you i havent seen her for 2 years but i sent her a facebook messgae cos i dont know her address. i just got so so so upset about it last night, im sure it was a combination of all the other stuff built up too.
its weird like the two things my parents always DRILLED into me was not to smoke and not to get in to debt. and they are the two things ive done!!! they never told me not to do drugs really, and i never did it. never gave me the dont get pregnant at 16 speech, and i never did. its strange. its not like i was doing it to rebel though
anyway i kind of bypassed the mum convo last night cos i was upset about my friend but basically i think its over to be honest. she was just beggin me to spend time with her. and i know this sounds awful, but i dont want to. like i have a hospital appointment coming up soon where i have to be put to sleep and im terrified cos ive never been put to sleep before and i have a proper weird thing about losing control of situations, and how much control am i gonna have if im asleep!!!! anywayyyyy i havent even told her, i want my boyfriend to be there thats it. shes just so awkward about these things.
and she always goes on about going shopping together. since i earned my own money ive had the real price of an item, and the price i tell mum it was when i get home. usually about a tenner less!!! anyone else do this??? so yeah, shopping wouldnt be the most fun! xx

Eager_Elephant

Hi stephy

Just read your thread.

I hope I'm not the only one is a bit perplexed over your mum wanting to go shopping when you have just told them you are in debt and they were worried about you putting the holiday on a credit card!!

Perhaps you could let her down gently and say that you can't afford to go shopping at the moment but as soon as your debts are cleared you will.

Could you spend time with your mum doing other girly things? Not sure what I'm sure other people will have a suggestion.

EE

Butti

As you've identified Steph you seem to have rebelled in the very areas that your parents have tried to control you in. You may have to try and relax yourself though in those areas where you hate to lose control! (We do tend to either copy or rebel against the behaviour of our parents!)

I am in a bit of an unfortunate situation with my dad which I am not sure how we will resolve, and I'm keen for you to avoid the same situation with your mother. You don't have to see your mother but you may in time reach an impasse where you are both fixed in your positions and you never see each other. Maybe suggest shopping is not the best idea given you are trying to reduce your debts and suggest you meet up for coffee once a month. It is neutral ground, it is relatively cheap and it means if she starts going on about what a disappointment you are then you can tell her to stop or you will leave.

I think it is fine to have your boyfriend down as your next of kin when you go into hospital. When I knocked myself out on platform shoes once I had given instructions to the receptionist at A&E only to contact my father if I was dying. That was literally what they had written!

B