worst night of my life

stephy110288

I understand this forum is mainly for practical advice etc, but i feel i just need to post what happened to me last night as only people in debt will understand how upsetting this is, and maybe have somethin to say to help me.
i'm 22, and i'm in uni. i have debts of around 10000 which i pay off each month and i can happily say is now under control, and i have left myself enough money each month to have a bit of a life. my debts are due to havin a low paid job, having to live on credit, and it completely getting out of control.
in oct i applied to the access for learning fund with uni. for anyone who isnt familiar with this, its a fund that each uni has for hardship cases. i had heard about this from a friend who told me that all you do is write them a letter about why you should have more funds and they ask for bank statements etc. as my loans and grants are based on my parents income i dont get very much, and i live with my partner so i need to cover rent etc.
when i applied in oct, my parents were away so i went there and used the printer.
i have not told a soul in my family about my debt. they are really really close minded about it and would kill me if they knew i used a credit card even once. they would have a go at me for moving away when i couldnt afford it, but the fact is, i just couldnt live with them. no one in my family knows as in their minds, to owe money is completely shameful.
last night i was in work when my dad was calling me on my mob saying he needed to talk to me. i went outside to make the call and he asked me if was in debt. i said no why, and he said he had found a letter in the house explaining that i was in debt and explaining how i got in debt. i said i didnt know what he meant because at this time, i really didnt. he was so so so angry he was just shouting, and he said he would scan it and send me it. i said i was in work an couldnt do anythin about it till the morning. he said i would have to call him them.
i went back in to work almost hysterical and crying, my manager send me home, i just said i had personal problems with my parents.
i got home and saw the letter he had scanned to me and it was the one i'd sent to uni, i have no idea why it was still in the house.
i am meant to ring them this mornin to explain what it is and i have no idea what to say.
if i told them the truth all hell would break out and it would honestly make them ill
if i get angry at them and tell them that i'm 22 and where they should go it will be make it worse because i know they are only concerned
i'm thinkin of tellin them i exaggerated in the letter to hopefully get extra funding.
i hate lying as it supports their idea that people in debt are horrible lying people with no self control who should be ashamed, and i'm not that person at all.
i havent slept all night, and ive had to call in sick for work as i'm a complete mess. i need to ring them in about two hours and i just cant stop shaking.
i'm upset because i actually have it all under control after going through a very very dark few months, and i feel that i have no way of explaining this.
if they knew the truth they would drag me kickin and screamin to move back home.
i have always been SO SO careful not to leave and bills anywhere, and had my post redirected etc so i'm really upset that this has happened and i have caused them this worry, i feel like such a disappoiontment.
i'm sorry for the massive long rant, but as much as i try to explain all this to my partner and he tries to help, he doesnt know what it feels like to be in this situation, and you guys do.
so thanks for reading if you did xx

TUS

Deep breath. Firstly, well done on getting a handle on your debts. They are YOUR debts and the single most important thing is that YOU are in control of them. Other people's judgements come second to that at the moment.

Secondly, although your family are important - it is important they understand you are an adult, you are responsible and it is not their job to get involved. The first step to getting to this point is by being honest. By covering up all you will do is re-enforce any belief they have that you are not responsible and cannot manage.

Explain everything, paint a picture to them of PREVIOUSLY being irresponsible, waking up to the situation, taking control of it and overcoming it. Explain that you are paying back what you owe, you are not shying away from anything and that is how it will be. You want their support and understanding but that is their decision.

Unless they are funding you at all and could pull the plug, they have no right to "drag you kicking and screaming" anywhere.

Most importantly, stay calm and rational. Don't go into specific figures - that's your business. By all means give them an overall figure and focus on what you are doing about it (i.e. the positives). End the conversation and give them time for it to sink in and form their own opinions. Knee jerk reactions are generally the worst ones.

Good luck.

Judith_W

TUS - Brilliant advice, I second everything.

You have tried to keep this hidden from them and it has come out - no wonder you are so worried. Just think how much worse it would have been if they had found out before you had started getting back on track and reducing the debt.

stephy110288

I know thats what I should do, and I know I'll feel so much better once I've done it. I just know them, and they've done this before when I have done something they didnt agree with, they tell me that i'm making them ill and that i'm putting them in an early grave. it's so unfair because i'm sorting my life out, i'm gettin a degree, i've just finished first year and done really well. i plan to go into teaching, and with the starting salary for that, my debts will be paid off much quicker. I have even written to MP's about the way in which banks irresponsibly lend to young people. I was 18 when halifax gave me a credit card with £2500 limit on it and i didnt even ask. that doesnt explain my situation at all, i shouldn't have been so stupid. but it was 4 years ago and now i'm fine, but i know they wont see it like that.
its just so embarrassin and i feel like such a liar because i've always told them i'm not struggeling with money. but it was only to save them worrying.
this is such a mess!

carol01

hi stephy
hope your ok i don't really have much advice for you sorry, the only thing i would say is these are your debts and not your parents.
and if you are managing to pay your debt and have a little over then you have a good balance. phone your parents and speak to them and explain that yes you may have a little debt but you are happy and managing it
take care and i hope you sort things out xx

TUS

stephy110288 wrote: »

I know thats what I should do, and I know I'll feel so much better once I've done it. I just know them, and they've done this before when I have done something they didnt agree with, they tell me that i'm making them ill and that i'm putting them in an early grave. it's so unfair because i'm sorting my life out, i'm gettin a degree, i've just finished first year and done really well. i plan to go into teaching, and with the starting salary for that, my debts will be paid off much quicker. I have even written to MP's about the way in which banks irresponsibly lend to young people. I was 18 when halifax gave me a credit card with £2500 limit on it and i didnt even ask. that doesnt explain my situation at all, i shouldn't have been so stupid. but it was 4 years ago and now i'm fine, but i know they wont see it like that.
its just so embarrassin and i feel like such a liar because i've always told them i'm not struggeling with money. but it was only to save them worrying.
this is such a mess!

As a parent ... I can assure you they are not genuinely ashamed of you. It's called parental worry, it's a natural instinct and I'll tell you something which is probably normally heard on the Jeremy Kyle show. Letting your kids make a mistake when you know it is going to happen is the HARDEST thing a parent can do.

It's our job to make sure you (our children) have no hardship.

So try to understand the root cause of their reaction. It's entirely out of love for you and may not be what it seems on the surface - however harsh they make it.

Just put your hands up, agree you've made mistakes and say that you are entirely focused on the future now & you are not willing to dwell on the past. Its too late for that.

Give them TIME - this is vital. Its taken you time to come to terms with things and sort yourself out. It will take them time. Maybe days/weeks/months.

Do you know your debt free target date? Maybe, at a later date, let them in on this to reassure them you are making progress.

And then dont dwell on their reaction any more. Get on with the good work you are doing. Oh and ENJOY UNI! You're only young once. I went from being a student to being a parent of 2 within 4 years. Its two different worlds.

loopylu36

Hi, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles and whilst you say that you can't just tell your parents to butt out - I think that is what you need to do - albeit in a more diplomatic way!

I think you need to have time to calm down and to then speak to them calmly and rationally. Explain that you want to tell them what has happened but if they start yelling at you, you will just leave. Before you start, ask them to promise that they will just listen and then they can ask you questions when you've fininshed. Explain how you got into debt, but far more importantly explain how you are getting yourself out of it. Tell them how you have sorted it out on your own and that things were going well and that whilst you do appreciate their concern, you are an adult and if you need their help you will ask for it. Everybody is entitled to make mistakes - in the overall scheme of things, you could have done a lot worse to make your parents less than proud of you and in my opinion, they should be proud of you for having sorted this out on your own. However, I do realise that sometimes people just can't bring themselves to change their opinions and if that is your dad's opinion on debt, then you may just have to live with it, but don't for a moment think that it is your fault - you have done all the right things so far and should be proud of yourself for that. I think you may have to be quite firm with your parents and hopefully by approaching them in a very rational way, they will realise that you are in fact a mature adult who is capable of running her own life.

Hope it all goes ok for you.

Loopy

stephy110288

thank you i do know they mean well, but i also know how badly they will take this, as they always told me not to get into debt etc etc and that i should ask them for money instead. thing was, they didnt make it nice for me when i did ask, and would constantly bring it up to put me down that i couldnt afford to live on my own etc. they were right, i couldnt, but i was depressed living with them.
a few months ago they found out that i used to smoke as well, so with this as well i just feel like they will be wondering what the hell they have done wrong to make me turn out like this.
i'm going to call at ten, even though i know they wont have been to bed, they text me that last night.
i do know my debt free day yes but it's in six years! when i graduate in three i will be making much larger payments each month so i'm hoping it will be more like 4 or 5, and i'm also reclaiming all my charges and PPI, that has been knocking more off

loopylu36

loopylu36 wrote: »

Hi, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles and whilst you say that you can't just tell your parents to butt out - I think that is what you need to do - albeit in a more diplomatic way!

I think you need to have time to calm down and to then speak to them calmly and rationally. Explain that you want to tell them what has happened but if they start yelling at you, you will just leave. Before you start, ask them to promise that they will just listen and then they can ask you questions when you've fininshed. Explain how you got into debt, but far more importantly explain how you are getting yourself out of it. Tell them how you have sorted it out on your own and that things were going well and that whilst you do appreciate their concern, you are an adult and if you need their help you will ask for it. Everybody is entitled to make mistakes - in the overall scheme of things, you could have done a lot worse to make your parents less than proud of you and in my opinion, they should be proud of you for having sorted this out on your own. However, I do realise that sometimes people just can't bring themselves to change their opinions and if that is your dad's opinion on debt, then you may just have to live with it, but don't for a moment think that it is your fault - you have done all the right things so far and should be proud of yourself for that. I think you may have to be quite firm with your parents and hopefully by approaching them in a very rational way, they will realise that you are in fact a mature adult who is capable of running her own life.

Hope it all goes ok for you.

Loopy

Having just ploughed in without reading all the posts first - I completely agree with TUS

dancingfairy

Hi. I have no specific advice but I have seen loads of people come on here frightened/terrified to tell their partners about their debts and I honestly can not remember anyone where it hasn't worked out for them. O.k the partner often needs time to come to terms with the situation but afterwards everything has calmed down. I know this is not the same as your situation but thought it might help you.
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katsu

TUS gave you great advice. You are an adult - they can't *make* you move home. Tell them you love them but you are an adult, not a child now, don't get caught up in their drama around this - not going to bed and shouting at you. Just be calm and remember you are being mature by facing and dealing with your debts.