Just found out about my partner's debts :(

Primrose

dfitps wrote: »

I think that at the end of each day you probably need to come home to a place where your fiance is not. Maybe in the long term you will be together and be happy and all debts will be behind you. Right now though his situation is one of the problems in your life and not one you can solve by bringing him into the very heart of your life in your home. If I were you I would keep him at arms length, at least for a while, and wait and see what happens - even if in the short term his expenses are greater and his debt repayments slower because of that, and even if your relationship as partners continues despite you not living together. A healthy bit of distance would probably do more to help him in the long run because it will force him to pick up the pieces and work at it all by himself. Sure, offer him your letter-writing skills, but I would do it only up to a point. Make him find the statements and work out to whom he owes what and decide what he wants to say to them. Don't let him let the administrative burden of dealing with his debts slip on to your shoulders instead of his. It might seem like a nice thing to do, and in the short-term it is, but in the long term it almost certainly isn't helpful to him, it's just facilitating a cop-out.

That is such sensible advice. If your boyfriend is truly serious about sorting his life out, he will accept the penalties of his financial behaviour and accept that he's got to take responsibility for turning himself around. And you will be doing him a favour by stepping back and letting him take the initiative. If he's incapable of doing this and insist on "nannying" him you have nothing but a life of misery ahead of you,

mandragora_2

He lied. He stole. He lied about stealing, till you had to find out through his frind, and threaten the police.

Once is a mistake; twice is a habit. What you've described isn't a one-off mistake, its a pattern - if you like, a default setting that I think he will have to struggle with all his life. It will damage him. Is it something that you need in your life too?

burntfingers_2

Hope your okay LittleH...

Keep smiling things do get better ...honest xx

Byatt

I just wanted to say that I have spending issues (various reasons, and I could justify them, but I'm not going to as I'm trying to face up to this and be honest with myself)...I'm in my 50's, so it's taken a while. I never stole; in fact considered suicide on many occasions to "save" my family. No one went without except me, but the strain was huge and took its toll on my health. Anyway, what I am trying to say in my long winded way, is that unless he takes action himself and is an open book to you, then he's unlikely to change, and believe me you don't want that kind of grief no matter how much you love him. At least postpone the wedding for a minimum of 12 months. I have an addiction, it's unhealthy and damaging. It won't be solved over night.

I really feel for you.

xxxx

ooops just noticed the original date of OP.

[Deleted User]

FYI - the OP hasn't posted on here since 11 July 2010

AMILLIONDOLLARS

Maybe she has sorted things out!

AMD

little_h_2

hi everyone, looked this up as part of the curiosity phase!

I don't post in here often, mainly if I see a thread where someone is hiding debts from their partner

But I have a debt free diary in the DFD section of the forum which has been very useful

Sadly, although we did try very hard to work through things, we haven't been able to find a way through it. I think the relationship was not going to work regardless of the debt. It is hard thinking I am a mean person because I couldn't forgive him, but I know what happened as does he, and although we had outside help from a very very good counsellor, I have made the decision to move on.

It is going to take some time, but I am getting there. He is having a tough time at the moment for all sorts of non-debt related reasons, but I believe he will find a way through and I hope he gets himself sorted out.

If anyone else is reading and having similar issues, the main upshot of all this is that if he had been honest, and if I had found out from him, and not his friend 6 weeks before our wedding, things would have maybe been different. I can't say for sure of course.

I am now working towards a move back up north and a DFD of August 2013 at the latest, unless I sell my house before then, which I hope to.

It has been a brutal journey, it really has. It has changed my life.

InaPickle

Best of luck with the future, little_h, and I hope that although things have been tough, that you both manage to take something positive out of it to move into the future with.

Happy future! x