Just found out about my partner's debts :(

Fang_3

To quote the great philosophers of our time Lady Gaga and Beyonce: "Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broken, but you will still see the crack in that mother !!!!er's reflection."

I feel it's appropriate.

redlady_1

Well most people here think that a partner should be understanding to hiding debt. The taking something of yours is just another extention of desperation as far as I can see - and yes, I think its wrong. But then I think its wrong to lie about anything in a relationship that is of such magnitude it affects your partner. Personally, for me, the trust would be gone. I would not be able to forgive someone. It isnt about the debt as much as the lies. Once trust has gone there is no relationship and I would never trust them not to run up debt again or whether any of my possessions had been taken. I wouldnt be willing to spend my life wondering and turning so paranoid about it happening again that I would be checking up on them every 5 mins. Thats no way to live your life.

You need to remember you are not responsible for his actions. They are his choices.

Ok, everyone is different and yes, some people may change and it may make their marriage stronger and good on them for forgiving. I am not one of them capable of doing so. You know deep down what you need to do, you really do, whether its to stick it out of leave. My advice, take time out. Good luck in whatever you decide.

I will now prepare myself for the flaming I am likely to get for this opinion.

RobertoMoir

little_h wrote: »

thank you for your reply, the wedding is already postponed. I havent cancelled anything yet (can't bear to tell the vicar althouhg I have asked her if she is available for a chat)

All I can think is of him being made homeless and ending up on the streets because I won't take him in. At the end of the day he hasn't murdered anyone, raped anyone, interfered with children or hurt animals.

but it's still pretty serious

He might not have done those other things, but he has stole from you and lied to you. The fact that he hasn't also killed, etc, doesn't excuse that any more than saying "well actually he did kill someone, but at least he didn't dance on the pieces afterwards" would excuse that.

I can understand getting into debt. I can understand hiding that, but if I were in your place that relationship would be over round about the time he stole a family heirloom. The fact that he's prepared to do that speaks volumes.

Judith_W

Don't get too strung up about him ending up on the streets - there are charities that can help him - even if he doesn't like it. Short-term shelters and longer term accomodation. Shelter are a great organisation for advice on that sort of thing so don't get guilted into taking him back if that is what he says will happen.

I do agree that stealing from you may be an extension of his desperation and I think for you, it may be a question of whether you feel he was truly remorseful when you confronted him about it or if you can't trust him not to do something like that again.

Simply having undisclosed debts is not necessarily a reason for leaving him, other couples have become much closer as a result of finally being on the same page and working together to get straight - it is whether his personality in all its glory is now something you feel you can work with.

I agree time apart for a bit may be the best thing - only you know how far your love for him can carry you.

DVardysShadow

The fact that you still 'love him' after stealing and lies is a reflection of your maternal caring side. It is not a reflection of your partnering side. Your feelings are misplaced - you deserve a partner, but if you continue this relationship you will only gain a dependent.

That is as clear as I can make it.

d3mon4ngel

Hi there,

Firstly, (( HUGS ))

Secondly, please don't make the same mistake I did. Don't marry this guy thinking it will change and get better, because it won't. It will just make it harder to leave and be done with it when you wake up and realise the truth.

Ask yourself if you really, truely, deep down can trust him again. This isn't about just lying about debts, this is about him lying about it then stealing from you with no thought for your feelings. Only you can answer the question, and only you can decide if you think he is worth sticking with.

And some advice from experience, if everyone around you (friends, family, etc) have reservations about him or his behaviour, then please please listen to them, because they can see what's happening from the outside and they care about you.

I do apologise if I've sounded harsh or judgemental. I didn't mean to, it just kind of hit a nerve

little_h_2

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, it has helped me enormously. It was difficult to post because I didn't want anyone to read it and not feel they could tell their partner they were hiding some debt!

The quote about the mirror is one I shall carry with me, thanks!

And also the comment about still loving him being my maternal caring side, rather than a partnering side, has struck a chord too.

The first few days are always the worst! I have been away for a few days with family and he has gone to his parents.

I asked him to not be here when I got back and I gather he has sorted out a debt counsellor and is looking for somewhere else to live. he knows I can't bear to look at him never mind talk to him, so he is coming to get some stuff while I am out on Saturday afternoon. There is nothing of value in the house for him to take, and I will make sure I take all documents and keys to things of any value with me.

In lots of ways this has been a big kick up the bum for me to get my focus back on sorting my debts out, I have found the lack of financial flexibility very hard the last few days as I have some bills to pay over the next couple of months which his income would have helped with.

BUT on a positive note, I haven't gone on a big shopping splurge, and I haven't put a single thing on my credit card! How good is that! :eek: :rotfl:

Thanks again :beer:

jammother

I can only give you the story of my experience of a partner amassing huge debts. We had been together for four years and my OH was always short of money, borrowing from me and then saying he would pay it back from a savings account and yet it never happened. He then told me that his bank account had been compromised and his student loan had been stolen and would I put all the rent and bills in my name until he had his account sorted out (he claimed it was frozen). When he graduated the next year and got a job, he told me that his wages were on hold in the account. So I was paying for everything on a PhD stipend and soon had to take out loans and credit cards to support us. You could argue that I was naive and too trusting but I loved him and wanted to believe him. Eventually enough was enough and I said I was phoning the bank to demand a refund of all his money but he told me that if I loved him I would trust him (emotional blackmail much?). This held me back for a couple of days. He went out for a walk and came back to tell me that he had a gambling problem and the debts that I had amassed to support him (50k) - he would be unable to pay me back because he had spent all his wages and the saving account on scratchcards.

Obviously I was angry and he offered to leave. But I said that we would try to work through it but we had to do things my way. We went to Gamblers Anonymous for a year and all his wages were paid into my account and I handled all the repayments (with a little help from the in-laws). And it was rough and we argued and cried - his parents made us get married as soon as possible in order to receive their financial help (see where the emotional blackmail comes from?). I told my OH that if he ever gambled again I would leave him and never come back.

We have now been married for three years and our little boy was born two months ago. We are very happy and the trust issues are mainly in the past. And I'm not some bleeding heart sap - I come from a background of abuse and so loss of trust for me is the worse things anyone can do. But my OH showed remorse and has worked really hard to prove himself to me. So it can be done but your partner has to be fully committed to spending every day of the next few years making it up to you.

If it is a gambling problem then it is an addiction but one you can break. Best of luck

little_h_2

wow jammother that is a hell of a story, sounds like you have been through a terrible time but I am pleased you have both come out of it.

I think I need to take some time to think this through. He wants to come home becuase it will help both of us, he will have somewhere to live and I will have someone to help with the bills.

I thought about him staying as basically a lodger and asking him to formally help in the house with things like gardening/DIY and I would pay him to do this and any other chores, to help him reduce his debt (I was going to get a gardener anyway as my garden is too much for me on my own)

My mum hit the roof though (and I'm not a nipper either, I'm 31!). She has suggested he does things on his own for a bit and once I am really sure that he is doing things for himself and standing on his own two feet, then I can think about things again.

I can see both sides but I miss him. I know how flakey this sounds, again I'm not a Jeremy kyle case I'm an intelligent woman who is financially independent with a good career. I should know better!

woody01

FraudBuster wrote: »

My gran told me:

"Leopards don't change their spots"

My Leopard told me:

" Gran's often talk a load of old tosh "