Just found out about my partner's debts :(

Nitha

I think the best way to look at this is to take the debt out of the equation. You have debt yourself and therefore should understand that it can happen. It's the lying that's the issue. My husband lied to me for a long time about smoking, and it really damaged our trust. Now as we have children I couldn't just leave so we had to face the issue together and deal with it. He openly smoked in front of me and I openly told him I was unhappy about it. We mutually agreed he would quit smoking and now I can support him through it. I still check his bank account to make sure he's not spending £5.32 at the corner shop from time to time but the trust is getting there.

You both need to talk properly about the issue. You clearly have experience with debt so should be able to give some advice. If the trust isn't there yet then postponing the wedding is a good idea. Perhaps you can encourage him to just write his debts down and look at them first - it helped me no end!

dorisday

blondie_86 wrote: »

Hi there,

I am Little_h's partner.

Firstly I would like to thank everyone for the advice they have given on here, most of it is very much against her taking me back but I don’t blame anyone for feeling like that, I deserve to loose her for doing this to her.

I can’t really explain on here what was going on in my head, all I know is that I should have done the right thing a long time ago, and at very least been honest with her about my situation. Its not the case that I didn't want to talk about and tell people, I wanted it to be out in the open, but the longer we were together and the more involved we got with each other, the harder it got to find a way to break it to her, its hard to believe I know, but I love her more than anything else in this world. I hadn't told anyone about my situation, it started a long time ago and ended up spiralling out of control and I was very naive thinking that one loan would sort out another etc etc and in the end it was such a mess I couldn't handle it so I buried my head in the sand and pretended it wasn't there. I feel such remorse for mess i’ve caused, i don’t expect that anybody could ever understand what my head was telling me through all this, i was so frightened that by telling little_h i would loose her, i knew how strongly she felt about financial problems because of her own and the reasons for that, which are genuine, unlike mine which just come down to just not wanting to deal with it and not wanting to tell people because of how they might feel about me after they knew.


The only way i can really describe it is a voice that is always telling you that if you can just buy yourself a little more time then you'll suddenly work it all out and you wont need to tell anyone and then nobody will think badly of you. I see now that it doesn't ever happen, it just makes the situation worse all the time and you spend everyday feeling like the walls are closing in. I don't want to loose her, she means the world to me, and i'm begging everyday for her to give me a chance to show her how commited to making things right and show her how much i love her. I would like to say that whilst it was still very very wrong to have got into this situation in the first place, i didn't steal from her to pay towards what i owed, i had her possesion at my house while i was moving out, i got into a lot of debt with the landlord and he came round very angry and took it from me, i begged him not to and told him that it didn't belong to me, but he said that he would only give it back i had some paperwork to prove that it wasn't mine, so i took the paper work from little_h to show him it belonged to her, but when i showed it to him he snatched it from me and wouldn't give it back. I realise how wrong this whole situation is, at the time it was the same voice saying if you just take the paperwork, he will give you it back and then you wont have to tell her what a bad person you are and you wont loose the happiness she brings to your life.

I am making the steps towards turning my life around now, not as a knee jerk reaction, but because by doing right by everyone is the only way i can ever get back any self respect, and its the only way my life can go forward. All i can hope is that little_h can dig deep and find something inside to give me this chance to be with her, life is short,and i've made a big mess of everything up to this point, but i wont fail this time, i just hope that i don't have to spend the rest of this life without the girl i love, and love with every last fibre of m body. I miss her so much.

I'm so sorry little_h.

Thankyou everybody for reading this.

Words mean nothing. We all try the excuses after being found out. Only actions count here.
My advice to both you and your GF would be to take time out and for you to sort out your life yourself. Wouldnt you feel more respect for yourself by doing this and it would show your gf that you have changed and can be a good partner and of good charactor. Having read all posts you have no backbone and need very much to put this right, but it does take time and courage - do you have this?
Time out isnt im sure what you want nice to be able to go back to a comfy life in your gf house rather than having to rough it for some time to be able to find the right track for you to take. But learning by experience is the best thing you can do. Then if you cant do it, no one else gets hurt.

little_h_2

hi everyone,

thanks again for your advice.

after a shocking week (the first back to work after a week off, which i had planned to spend chilling out with my fiance but it ended up working out very differently!) I am now relaxing nicely with the footy and the world seems a little friendlier.

I am at the angry stage at the moment, my meeting with the vicar was very productive and I am glad I went. I have so much to think about but am trying to be gentle on myself so I don't commit to too much, as this has really knocked me to the floor and I feel like I don't quite know what to do next.

When things have been bad before I have always tried to brush them under the carpet and maintain a stiff upper lip, but this time I am determined not to do this, and am really thinking hard about everything.

Getting a lodger isn't really an option. Selfishly, I don't really want to share my house and bathroom. I am a way out of town and I don't have much drive space. Plus my house is in a state of semi-refurbishment.

So...I have seen some lovely houses recently and have some agents round to give me the chat later this week. Plus I have an appointment with my bank's mortgage advisor to see if there is anything they can do in the short term. I have seen a fab place, I really don't want to miss out on it but my house is not going to be easy to sell.

All clouds have silver linings so they say, well I really hope to discover mine very soon!

THanks everyone x

Nitha

You are being very brave about this, it can be difficult to come out of a relationship that has had underlying problems. I can't imagine how awful the prospect of calling off a wedding must be

All the best - hopefully you'll find the right solution soon xxx

oldschool

Only you can decide if you want to spend the rest of your life worrying if he is telling you the whole truth or the truth as he sees it. Tough decision to make, yet easier now than 30 years down the line.(Voice of experience). Learn to love yourself and you will realize that you deserve better than to be mislead by someone who professes to love and respect you. Read some Dr.Phil, Louise Hay or Wayne Dyer for help to know that you are worth so much more. With love & hugs, my heart goes out to you.

Bonny1

what a situation.. and then for the partner to come on here, and hijack the thread, and justify his 'behaviour' OMG, toes are curling right up to my ears, with embarrassment, for him..


crikey...

Percy1983

Bonny1 wrote: »

what a situation.. and then for the partner to come on here, and hijack the thread, and justify his 'behaviour' OMG, toes are curling right up to my ears, with embarrassment, for him..


crikey...

On the flip side I think it was good to get his version of events. I don't mean this in any disrespect to little_h, but in most cases on here we will only see one side of the equation and take it as gospel. In this case if blondie posted first and said he had massive debts and his landlord took something they shouldn't have etc, then little_h came on and said he willing gave it up, who would you then believe?

My point is there is a problem here, as there does seem to be conflicts in some of the facts, I am not to know which is correct and neither is anybody else on here.

Basically the first to post doesn't make it the truth and neither does which is the male or female make any difference, yet most posts on here seem very one sided.

garcianicole

hugs to you, i know exactly what you are going through - i went through exactly the same scenario cpl years ago .. in my case he didnt steal from me, but remortaged the flat which was in his name but with most of the equaty being a deposit/gift from my parents .. so thieving from me indirectly
he lied so much to cover his various debts, i just couldnt believe a word that came from his lips .. but i stood by him as i didnt want to blow our family appart and thought everyone deserves another chance - and we have been trying to get back on track ever since - although he is about to inherit a large sum of money so thankfully the pressure will soon be off and i hope we can draw a line under it and move on
however, i will be totally honest with you .. it hasnt been easy, i cant trust him 100% which isnt a nice feeling, and when we row (which is much more frequent than before i discovered the debt) i throw it back in his face, which doesnt make for a great atmosphere .. i do feel he has ruined my life in and held me back, and i am really resentful of this - i was just embarking on a beauty course with a view to go mobile when i discovered the debt and was not able to see it through, so currently stuck in a job i hate and of course cant help blaming him which leads to more rows!
my advice is, if you truly love him and feel you can work towards forgiving him (you will always be resentful) and try and work through it together then give it another go - it wont be easy, i can promise you and you may never wholly trust him again - you will have to decide if you can this way or if you would rather start over without him in your life at all - only you can decide which is more bearable of the two options
good luck with what you decide x

kaz6789

i have also lived with a gambler for nearly 11years after the first year he stopped for 4 years after i threatened to leave him in that time we bought a house had loads of holidays set up an successful business with his family and life was amazing. then he descovered the internet and started again. in 6 years he has lost it all and we just had to sel the business 8 months ago to pay debts...what a joke ive just found this weekend he not paid all debts and the £115,000 has gone. everytime he speaks he lies its never ending.
i know if i want anything in life i have go to leave i just wish i would have gone years ago.
dont rush into anything give yourself some breathing space and think very hard about your long term future.

burntfingers_2

Hi

Just wanted to say that from my own experience of marrying someone who constantly borrowed money prior to us getting married and was totally useless with money, but me thinking that I could 'sort' him out rather naively. For him to turn into a total control freak, a bully both physically and mentally.

He stole from me, the irony was that I was saving in a terramundi and the wish card said that it was for a cruise for us both, he used to smash/damage things if I said that we didn't need - for instance a 42" tv as the 32" was only bought the year previously...he took my self esteem, made me feel worthless and left me penniless with huge debts.

Eventually after only 10 months of marriage I kicked him out, that was a year ago, he has since filed for divorce on the grounds of 'my unreasonable behaviour' and is now trying to take half of the equity in my house...which is between 37-50k...he has since said that he 'only married me for what he could get'

If I am honest, the alarm bells were ringing before we even got married, stupidly I thought that if I gave him love and support things would improve.....how wrong could I be??

I would say run as fast and as far as your legs will take you. Do not believe that things will change, they never do they just get better at deceiving and lying to you. If you do marry him and things stay the same despite all the promises that it will never happen again...like me I thought I can't kick him out we have only just got married, I need to work at my marriage etc...

Take care of yourself, find your feet, your hurt will pass and time will heal you. Eventually you will go on and find someone out there who treats you with the respect and love that you deserve.