Just found out about my partner's debts :(

Evilm

blondie86 - thank you for being brave enough to post here. Its a start, hopefully you will begin to start clearing this situation up.

meadowlass

Being intelligent with a good career doesn't necessarily help you with picking the right guy or being good with money. I have a postgraduate degree and a fantastic career but my relationships have been train crashes and I am nearing retirement without my own house still renting privately because of my former debts. I should have a T shirt that reads if "I am so smart why am I so stupid"!

Please please listen to your parents and don't commit to this guy unless you are reallly really sure he is making progress. Have the time apart, you deserve so much better than this. Understand yourself what is it about you that made you choose a guy who was second best? Read "Are you the one for me?" by Barbara De Angelis. Above all get some psychological counselling, really understand why you overspent on credit cards, why did you choose this guy who you have known from the start was a wrong un!

I was interested in your comment that you are not a Jeremy Kyle prospect. I thought like that for years that because I was clever and middle class that I was right about everything. I never understood in my twenties and thirties why I was making the decisions I was making and I just didn't hear the people that were trying to give me good advice. I was oblivious and determined to do things my way. I now know that my behaviour patterns are rooted deep in my childhood - too late as I have comprehensively messed up my private and financial life after being given a fantastic set of advantages in my intelligence etc.. At work you would never guess that somebody apparently so competent, popular and successful as me could mess things up so badly in their home life.

I really hope you get over this and learn the lessons from it.

Primrose

little-h You've had some very sound advice here from people who have learnt from bitter experiences not dissimilar to your own. Please take some time out for deep reflection. Only you can decide what is best for yourself going forward. It's your head that has to make a decision going forward, not your heart.

RadioAmateur

Hi Little H, really sorry you are in this situation! If there were no emotions involved I am sure you would have left him as soon as he stole from you! In the long term you have to put your interests first, I really feel you should go it alone for now, let the wounds heal get your thoughts straight and see beyond the emotions you are obviously feeling right now. A relationship should be honest, open and 50/50. It took me a very long time to find somebody who would treat me as a true equal in ALL respects. Too many people live their lives in misery, Please Please don't become one! We all have Debt at some time in our lives and I am just, with my partner begining to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I really feel you will eventually find Mr.Right and it WILL be worth the wait. Take care Little H through this difficult time. I wish you the very best in the future.......... Andy

Tiger_greeneyes

What a hard time you're having. I think you have had a lucky escape, I really do. I know you love this man but do you really think he loves you, or could he be relying on you because he's messed up his own life? What has he spent his money on?

It might sound harsh but I'd say all this to my best friend so it comes from the heart.

You clearly can't trust him - it sounds like it's a little more than being caught on a downward spiral because his salary went in late. How could you ever trust he wouldn't do this again if you do take him back? Imagine how your future would look, a wedding and couple of children further down the line. Losing everything when you're in that situation is even more frightening.

Think about yourself, not him. He thinks about himself and doesn't seem to think about you. You deserve better - we all do.

What would you tell your best friend to do?

Good luck hun xx

little_h_2

Hi everyone,

huge thanks again for all your words of advice, no matter how blunt.

I see my thread is featured on the weekly email (right at the bottom) which was a bit of a surprise, but obviously it is an issue for a lot of people so in lots of ways I am glad it has been picked up!

Because my partner has now decided to post on here, I can't really go into too much more without it being an airing of dirty linen (great for popcorn munchers but not so great for me!). I sent him a link to the thread last week to show what others who were outside the situation saw and obviously he can post on wherever he wishes as it's an open forum.

So.....

I am seeing my lovely vicar (I'm not a religious person but we were having a church wedding because of what the church and village meant to us, or what I thought it meant to us) tonight, she offered to have a chat about things which will be helpful I think, she was so kind and genuinely sad for us when I told her about what had happened. She offered to keep us in her prayers which started me crying again! :rotfl:

I might see about a retreat or something like that, something where I really can get away from things to sort myself out. Meadowlass, your post hit home particularly so thank you.

I will continue to update my Debt Free Diary though as this was a very helpful tool for me in making sense of my reasons for getting in debt and trying to get things back under control.

This forum is such a fantastic place, from resources and advice to lovely caring people offering balanced advice and best wishes.

Thank you again and good luck with the debt busting!

immoral_angeluk

The only person who will be able to face up to his debts is him. You were in a relationship where he broke the trust within it by lying and stealing from you. You need to find the reason that he did that first and foremost before you can even begin to consider taking him back. If he won't tell you or is clearly lying, move on, it's not worth the heartache.

The fact is instead of confiding in you, he lied and stole your treasured personal possessions.

He will not change. Even if he says he has, he won't. It's sounds as this has been going on a long long time and so a pattern of behaviour is going to be pretty ingrained.

He had all this time to talk to you but didn't, and is fairly obviously still lying to you and won't work with you to rebuild the trust.

In circumstances like that personally I would cut my losses and leave. You have to think of yourself and I can only see bad things ithe future if you stay with him.

*massive hugs*

Primrose

little_h I'm glad you've got a meeting with your vicar. I'm sure that she'll give your some emotional support and it's good you've got somebody to talk to who's totally independent of your personal situations. A retreat or a break away now your wedding is delayed sounds a good idea to help you get things in perspective. This is a good chance for you to reorganise your life plans, think about how best to deal with your debts, and move forward in a constructive way. Good luck with however you decide to move on.

GeorgeUK

Blondie, if you're still out there this is the best place to deal with your debts. You say you didn't steal and it was the landlord - we don't know you so can't judge you. I just hope you're able to sort this out. We may be able to help with some of that.

The thing that concerns me though is that you will need to be honest about where you have spent all your money. Yes, some people bury their head in the sand and try to hide from the problem, but as you know it just keeps getting bigger and scarier.

I can't advise on your relationship with little_h. This has been a huge blow for her - i know it's been bad for you tooo, but she's had to take the decision to cancel what should have been one of the happiest days of her life. Whether you do get back to gether i can't say - nor even if you should. What i will say though is give her as much space as she needs. If you do get back together, you will need to earn her trust and respect again. That will take time. All you can really do is try to sort out the mess you are in and wait until she is ready to move forward with this in whatever way she chooses.

Good luck to you both.

ukchriss

You have to be honest with each other,or nothing will ever work.

6 years ago I took out a loan and I bailed my daughter out of £12000 worth of debt,
she said all the right things, made all the promises and has NEVER EVER paid me a penny back!

I got very ill, had cancer which left me disabled, so now cant work, Now I'm the one left with over £10000 worth of debt because of the loan i got for my daughter and She's now driving around in a brand new car, she doesn't even keep in touch any more and I'm the one left struggling!

Think about yourself, not him. I wish i hadn't helped my daughter, she would have found things hard for a while and may have hated me but it would have taught her to look after her money and i would be in the mess which i find myself in now.