Just found out about my partner's debts :(

little_h_2
little_h_2 Posts: 406 Forumite
edited 6 July 2010 at 6:21PM in Debt-free wannabe
Hi everyone, I don't post much on here but read a lot on here and use the wedding section of the forum and have a debt free diary thread too.

On Friday my world kind of came crashing down around my ears. I found out from my fiance's best friend that my fiance is in an awful lot of debt, and has been lying about it for years.

I have known something wasn't quite right for a little while, and had cold feet about our rapidly approaching wedding (August this year) as a result. I had heard a few things, checked up on them and found them to not be true so had left them alone.

I am in stacks of debt myself, but this has arisen from a very specific situation and I have a good income to be able to manage it and if it came to it, I could sell things to clear most of it. My fiance knows about this debt, initially he didn't know just how much but he has done for the last few months.

I am in such a turmoil. I love him so much (and this has made me realise I love him even more than I thought) but he has told so many lies, including taking something that did not belong to him and offering it in part payment of a debt. This was my most loved possession and was a gift from my dad, so not mine to give away and certainly not his to give away either.

I know I can help him with the debt (not financially but I am experienceed enough in dealing with people and writing letters where as he is not) and he wants to move back in to help with my bills and have somewhere to live. But my family don't want me to have anything to do with him and won't support me if I have him back. I doubt my friends will support me either, the lying is extensive and destructive.

I am deeply scared he is in a pattern of behaviour which he cannot get out of, and if I have him back he will have no incentive to change.

I am soul searching, as I read so many tales of people being forgiven by their partners and getting support to sort everything out.

am I a bad person to question whether I take him back? Given he has stolen from me? I know he was desperate but I feel I can't trust him or believe a single word he says :(

I hope this gives people anotehr side of the tale, and also hope anyone hiding things from their partner can find the courage to be honest. The lying is the very worst bit.

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Comments

  • Nottoobadyet
    Nottoobadyet Posts: 1,754
    Debt-free and Proud!
    Forumite
    Im sorry - what a horrible situation! Hugs to you, Im sure you need them.

    Im sure someone with more experience will be along in a bit. As you know, getting out of debt it tough but most people do it without lying and stealing, and personally I wouldnt be able to trust a partner who did something like what you're going through. Maybe its worth putting off the wedding untill you feel you can trust him again, or feel secure enough to extract yourself?
    Mortgage free by 30:eek:: £28,000/£100,000
    :DDebt free as of 1 October, 2010:D
    Taking my frugal life on the road!
  • little_h_2
    little_h_2 Posts: 406 Forumite
    thank you for your reply, the wedding is already postponed. I havent cancelled anything yet (can't bear to tell the vicar althouhg I have asked her if she is available for a chat)

    All I can think is of him being made homeless and ending up on the streets because I won't take him in. At the end of the day he hasn't murdered anyone, raped anyone, interfered with children or hurt animals.

    but it's still pretty serious :(
  • GeorgeUK
    GeorgeUK Posts: 7,737 Forumite
    I gambled and owed more than twice my annual salary. Yes, i know what it feels like to be desperate. Stealing never crossed my mind though.

    On reading your post, my initial though was is it gambling or drugs. I have no idea of his situation (and we don't need to know), but it is clearly destructive to both himself and those around him. If it isn't an addiction of some sort and he is stealing from you - is it to pay loansharks who were threatening him?

    There is no excuse for what he's done. He may have had, or thought he had a good reason, but he didn't give you a second thought when he stole from you - it was all about him. If he is able to return what he stole from you then i think you could start thinking about forgiving him, but is something that precious was taken, i wouldn't be able to trust him - and that's what relationships are based on.

    Only you will know his situation, but is it possible that he's just looking for a cheap place to stay while he gets himself sorted financially?

    Whatever you decide, i wish you luck. I would also warn against giving him any financial assistance if or when you are able to. Even if you ever got something in writing from him.
    After falling off the gambling wagon (twice): £33,600 (24,000+ 9,600) - Original CC Debt: £7,885.91

    Dad Gift 6k ¦ Savings & Inv Tst: £2,500
    Loan 10k: £0 ¦ Dad 5.5k: £2,270 ¦ LTSB: £0 ¦ RBS: £0 ¦ Virgin £0 ¦ Egg £0

    Total Owed: £2,270 (+6k) 11/08/2011
  • little_h_2
    little_h_2 Posts: 406 Forumite
    thank you GeorgeUK, that's a really interesting perspective.

    I have now got back what was taken after I threatened the police, neither him nor his former landlord needed a conviction for handling stolen goods so thankfully sense was seen and I collected my possessions today.

    I am not in a position to help him financially other than supporting him dealing with his creditors. I asked him about gambling and drugs but he denied it, by the sounds of it he has outstanding debts from a long time ago and has been paying court orders and things.

    my parents have asked what i will get out of the relationship, compared to what he will get from me helping him. I don't mean what i will get financially, but emotionally and psychologically.

    Scary times!

    Thank you for your posts though.
  • clarab_3
    clarab_3 Posts: 691 Forumite
    This is a very harsh question. but does he have a habit of lying about/hiding other things as well?

    Im asking to try to see if the lying is related to the debt or if you perhaps have a bigger problem on your hands.

    I've been there, its a lonely road. Might I suggest you see a counsellor?
  • FraudBuster
    FraudBuster Posts: 931 Forumite
    My gran told me:

    "Leopards don't change their spots"
  • Hi,

    Big hugs first of all.

    It's a bit of a cop out for me to say, but only you know the answer. Is your life going to be worse with him in it or with him out of it. Also, you don't want to take him back and be bitter about things, its not that you would have to forgive him straight away if at all but you would have to live with what he has done.

    Your family would come around, they are just looking out for you and want the best for you.

    It might be best to have as much of a break from him as you can to try and get things in perspective. Sorry I can't be of anymore help. Everyone here is really nice and will help as much as possible.
  • andrea1968_2
    andrea1968_2 Posts: 181
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Post
    Forumite
    I was in a similar situation although admittedly I knew about my ex partners debts but not the scale. Every situation is different & I can only give you my experience but I bailed him out more times than I care to remember, everytime there was a different excuse as to why it had happened again & everytime the amount seemed to go up.
    It took me a long time to realise that I wasnt helping him and he had to realise how deep he was getting. He eventually stole from his father and at that point I realised that I had to get out.

    Not everyone is like that, some people will realise that they want to change & will be mortified when they wake up realise what they are doing to the ones that love them - and they supposedly love.

    My ex was from the other camp - carried on spending even after we split up and then started borrowing from some real heavy characters who didnt understand the I'll pay you next week line - but did quite like the fists and boots angle.

    Only you know your fiance and how much he wants to help himself before you can help him. You've got much soul searching to come but make sure its the right decision for you because that has to be the most important thing.

    Good luck and big hugs
    2013 - Finally got the house we' ve worked so hard to get......now it's a life of diy and no money....couldn't be happier 😊
    2020 - mortgage free target set 8 years and counting 🎯
    Even the longest walks start with one small step....get your boots on.
  • DarkConvict
    DarkConvict Posts: 6,338
    Combo Breaker First Post
    Forumite
    If you bail them out they will not learn, I think for both your sakes you need to consider some time apart.
    Although no trees were harmed during the creation of this post, a large number of electrons were greatly inconvenienced.

    There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies
  • alainax
    alainax Posts: 27
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Forumite
    **hugs**

    Its so hard, but you have to decided if you will ever trust him again, without trust, there is no relationship.

    Ive bailed an ex out before, ended up with solicitors involved to sort it all out... dont do it.

    Imagine a happier life without this stress, with a partner you love more than anything, who you trust with your life, and has no debts...ive found my mr right now, but learned the hard way.

    Im sorry these arent the words you are looking to hear, but if he is willing to steal from the one he loves.. id get rid of him asap!
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