Just found out about my partner's debts :(

Primrose

ukchriss - that is such a sad tale and I'm sorry for the plight in which you find yourself. I know of several other people who've loaned money to family members which has never been repaid. Family debts ought to be debts of honour which have to been repaid at all cost. This ought to serve as a warning that it rarely pays to loan money to people in financial difficulties. It often just gives them an excuse to carry on living in the same way rather than addressing the route cause of their problems.

Smallfries

ukchris,

just want to say i am sorry its worked out that way for you. thats very sad. the GF and I are borrowing 10k from her mother for a house deposit and i insist its in writing and all legal as i would hate to think of her losing her gift of trust. you have done something very very generous for your daughter and she hasnt realised how special that is. her loss i say

keep your chin up

Percy1983

I would like to say that many people on here are saying 'he won't/can't change'

I have to say I do believe that to be untrue, nearly losing the love of his life could be the wake up call he needs in life and he may realise the huge mistake he has made and learn. Yes he may not change but I think its awfully damning to say he won't when we don't actually know the person.

mummum2

Percy1983 wrote: »

I would like to say that many people on here are saying 'he won't/can't change'

I have to say I do believe that to be untrue, nearly losing the love of his life could be the wake up call he needs in life and he may realise the huge mistake he has made and learn. Yes he may not change but I think its awfully damning to say he won't when we don't actually know the person.

Ditto!! Sometimes it takes a massive 'wake-up' call.

dfitps

Percy1983 wrote: »

I would like to say that many people on here are saying 'he won't/can't change'

I have to say I do believe that to be untrue, nearly losing the love of his life could be the wake up call he needs in life and he may realise the huge mistake he has made and learn. Yes he may not change but I think its awfully damning to say he won't when we don't actually know the person.

He does have to truly 'nearly lose her' though. Moving back in and getting lots of practical support (a cushion against the real world) right now is probably not 'nearly losing her'. Realising that he's not welcome to move back in, that he's at the start of a long road to proving he can sort himself out, may work that way though.

I think that at the end of each day you probably need to come home to a place where your fiance is not. Maybe in the long term you will be together and be happy and all debts will be behind you. Right now though his situation is one of the problems in your life and not one you can solve by bringing him into the very heart of your life in your home. If I were you I would keep him at arms length, at least for a while, and wait and see what happens - even if in the short term his expenses are greater and his debt repayments slower because of that, and even if your relationship as partners continues despite you not living together. A healthy bit of distance would probably do more to help him in the long run because it will force him to pick up the pieces and work at it all by himself. Sure, offer him your letter-writing skills, but I would do it only up to a point. Make him find the statements and work out to whom he owes what and decide what he wants to say to them. Don't let him let the administrative burden of dealing with his debts slip on to your shoulders instead of his. It might seem like a nice thing to do, and in the short-term it is, but in the long term it almost certainly isn't helpful to him, it's just facilitating a cop-out.

Percy1983

Maybe I am trying to think about it from his point of view.

We can all sit here and say we would never steal etc but dare I say we are all capable if desperate enough. In this ase for him to be that desperate means he may have been in a very dark place to which he has just been dragged out of it and could be in pain everyday knowing what he has done.

Yes we can offer opinions, but I don't think there is any one single answer of the best action.

Think about it another way, if any of you had done something truely wrong by your partener and was truely sorry and felt awful and really wanted to make it right and sort it out, meanwhile you partner is on a forum and everybody just says you are a waste of space and your partner is better off without you. How would you feel.

Basically from what the posts here say he may well be a waste of space, but the posts where very negatively balanced as they where talking about a negative situation. Its not enough to build a full character profile on somebody.

All I say is yes he has done wrong in this case, but surely he has also done so many good things in your time together, don't forget them.

Yes is easy enough for us to read a few paragraphs and write a wedding off, but just think about your actions.

Love is many things, one of which is forgiveness. Don't throw it all away for one wrong doing (maybe a big one but is it unforgivable?).

Leeds_Dave

Hi there, this is my first posting on this site so please forgive errors.
All of us here have money issues, so we are all to a greater and lesser extent familliar with desperation.
There are two issues here, one of which is trust, can you trust someone who has already betrayed you. It comes as a package, he could let you down in other, even more important ways.
The other is repetition. We can all do stupid, horrible things under enough pressure. Sometimes we get away with them.
Some of us look back at a desperate situation we got away with and say to ourselves" I was lucky, I will never ever ever do that again".
Others say to themselves " I got away with it, it works, this is a strategy to use again".
Which type is your significant other. My personal experience has been with the latter type, and there was no stopping them. The more I rescued them from their own mess the more they took it as permission to do it again.
Your still young, try someone else.
Dave

poorbabe

Hi Little H, hugs for what you are going through and I hope you come through this situation the best way you can.

If you need extra money get a lodger (already been mentioned, but I thought I'd repeat it). Go on your retreat and think then think some more, but get the lodger so your finances improve. That will give you the breathing space you need whilst you work things out.

All the best.

DVardysShadow

blondie_86 wrote: »

.... i didn't steal from her to pay towards what i owed, i had her possesion at my house while i was moving out, i got into a lot of debt with the landlord and he came round very angry and took it from me, i begged him not to and told him that it didn't belong to me, but he said that he would only give it back i had some paperwork to prove that it wasn't mine, so i took the paper work from little_h to show him it belonged to her, but when i showed it to him he snatched it from me and wouldn't give it back. I realise how wrong this whole situation is, at the time it was the same voice saying if you just take the paperwork, he will give you it back and then you wont have to tell her what a bad person you are and you wont loose the happiness she brings to your life.

I am making the steps towards turning my life around now, not as a knee jerk reaction, but because by doing right by everyone is the only way i can ever get back any self respect, and its the only way my life can go forward.

Sorry mate. I just don't believe you. To me you sound like a rather weak individual and I rather suspect that it was your idea to offer the object to the Landlord - not as a plan, but as something which came to hand and which could get you out of the problem you found yourself in with the landlord breathing down your neck.

In short, I don't think you take responsibility for your actions and I think you do whatever ducking and diving you can when it starts to go wrong.

It is just my assessment, mind.

penelopedee_2

Little H, hugs hun - I know how hard this is. I don't want to sound patronising but well done for see this situation, admitting to it and moving forward from it. That is such a massive thing to deal with, well done.

I'm sorry I can't be positive but from current experience I know you must put yourself first. Somebody has put you second and that's no where anybody needs to be in life. It is never a good situation to not be able to trust the person that means the most to you in the world. You wouldn't stitch them up for any reason, so why would you let them stitch you up.

If it was the other way round, what do you think would happen. If it was your child that was in this situation how would you feel.

Good luck hun, look after yourself first please. x