Just found out about my partner's debts :(

smiels

Dear Little_h
Your family and friends are right, have nothing to do with the man, he sounds like a scumbag. LYING to and STEALING from someone you claim to love is NOT normal behaviour in a relationship. And you want to marry the guy? Isn't marriage supposed to be about love, trust, support and partnership rather than using someone so you can make use of their flat and possessions?
Find someone else, someone better, you deserve it.

Percy1983

I am actually going to try and offer the other side here.

In my current relationship I started with over £23k of debt and I was just scrapping by to pay it all. In my case it was basically from a wild youth coupled with earning very little money early on in my career. Now the reduction of the debt was slow but working and about a year into the relationship I did mention I had debts in the 5 figures but it was under control.

Now she didn't ask anymore about it and was thankful for my honesty, but I must say I was worried about telling her and I could have easily of hidden the fact. Fast forward 2 years and we are enggaged, the cards start hiking rates and it didn't quite lead to trouble but it more or less stopped all progress into my debts. As it is we combined all debts and are now clearing them together despite the ratio beng about 4:1 me to her of the total.

As it is I earn more so I am paying more and likewise will be doing for the rest of our lives together but overall she is bailing me out, should have done that? well as it is my debt would have stopped us getting a mortgage etc which would have held our life back which would have pushed us apart. Will a run up debts again? certainly not, I am not the young a foolish man I was, more young and wiser and likewise her debts were more phantom debts which she couldn't explain so we have both learnt.

On the flip side I can see how he could keep this to himself, I did for a year as its not a first date conversation but I managed to do it, bit if I hadn't the later it got the harder it would be to do. Also I could say I would never steal, but deperation could set in and I will admit I would be capable if desperate enough and most people would be. I am not saying its right but I can understand why.

Basically he may never have told you out of fear of losing you and stealing from you is wrong but it could be a sign of just how desperate and alone he felt. Yes he should ahve asked for help but a mixture of fear and pride can cause problems.

To me the questions are:

Is he really sorry for stealing from you?

How have these debts come to be?

Will it happen again?

Has he lied or just withheld the truth about his debts?

It does sound like its time for a shake down in your relationship and this will eaither ruin you or make you stronger. Just try and see his point of view before acting.

stephy110288

Hello.
i would just like to share my similar experience.
i was 19 years old and only really had about 1000 on credit cards, i was earnin 18K a year though so it wasnt really a problem. I had a boyfriend and i was looking to move out of my parents. his tenancy was up on his flat so we decided it would be practical to move in together seein as i spent all my time at his anyway. so i found a flat for 450 a month and decided to get that. he didnt have the money for the deposit and first months rent as he'd just started a job so i paid it and he'd pay me back. this was ok with me cos i desperately needed to move out.
to cut a long story short he stopped giving me any money, always an elalborate excuse or story, and always a promise i would get it next week.
and then one day when he was at work his grandad turned up on my doorstep demandin to see my bf. i said he wasnt in and his grandad said he needed to talk to me. his grandad informed me that he had loaned my bf 900 for rent an deposit on a new place, and he was meant to take him 25 pound everyweek. but my bf (we'll call him Idiot) had never answered his phone, or taken any money since he borrowed it. His grandad also informed me that he'd gone to Idiot's place of work and they said they had never heard of him. so i said to his grandad "well why dont u ask his brother?" (Idiot apparently worked with his brother). His grandad informed me that Idiot didnt have a brother. i then also found out that he couldnt drive, despite him tellin me that he could and me insuring him on my car.
there had also been many times when id given him my bank card and asked him to take a tenner out for me, only to find that 20 quid had been taken out. cue another elaborate story.
you might be thinking how stupid i am for not noticing any of this but this was a very clever person who usually covered his tracks pretty well as i didnt really suspect anything as he was always talking about his job etc etc.
i confronted him about all the stuff and he cried and said he'd said he could drive to impress me etc etc basically got out of it. he gave me some sob story about how he lived on the streets when he was 18 because he hasnt got any body that cared about him.
so i felt terrible and stayed with him a little while longer, i got signed off work with depression due to all this. then one day i was looking through some paperwork of his and noticed his date of birth was wrong. i called him grandad cos i knew there was something dodgy, he'd been lying about his age aswell. he was making himself 2 years older. god knows why.
anyway that was the final straw for me. due to him not paying rent or bills and me basically paying for us to live he left me in a lot of a debt.
my point is that even after he was caught with the first stuff, he still carried on lying about his age, and not paying anything towards rent. he was a compulsive liar and didnt care about anyone but himself. i used to be hysterical when i paniced about my debt and he would tell me not to worry and then go take a tenner out my bank when he had the chance!
in the end i literally threw him out, i didnt care what happened to him because he didnt care what happened to me. i was terrified of being alone and paying for everythin, so i ended up moving back with my parents for a while.
that was three years ago and i have now been with my partner for nearly 2 years and couldnt be happier. you may only be feeling that you love him because you feel sorry for him and feel that you are responsible. you're not. i'm in debt and i dont expect anyone else to help me, and i certainly wouldnt steal from the person i love more than anythin in the world, why would i want to make him unhappy?
i think you know what you need to do, i just think you need to see that you will move on, and you will be happier!
i hope everything works out hun, keep us all posted xx

GeorgeUK

Little_h, i think your mum is talking alot of sense.

You were intending on spending the rest of your lives together by getting married, but you may have had a lucky escape. He does not seem committed to you if he steals from you. It almost looks more like he was going to get you to look after him - was he going to look after you though?

If he shows that he is able to get himself sorted out then there may be something you are able to salvage from this. I can't begin to imagine the pain he has put you through or the distress he has caused - whatever happens, your future has changed because of his selfish actions. Just because you are not living together does not mean you need t oend the relationship. You do however need to determine if this is the same person you fell in love with and what it will take for you to know he has changed and is interested in being with you, not just for what he can get out of the relationship.

sara86pink

Hi little_h

I would also like to offer cuddles because I cant even imagine what your going through.

Im afraid I cant give any useful advice as never been in this situation, in past relationships I'm always the one with debt and thankfully all previous partners (espec my current one!) have always been so supportive.

I just couldnt read this thread and run. Though the one thing that really made me think when reading this is that you found this out from your fiances best friend?

I can totally understand your trust issues because if he had come to direct and spoken up at least he had the guts to tell you. But to have to find out from his friend, that would totally destroy all trust for me.

I may have got this wrong and he did infact sit you down but still, the stealing of your dad's gift is a big no-no and I was very relieved to read that you got that back!

You really do have to be strong and take time to think things over. If you take him back straight away, he wont learn and this issue will re-appear and will most likely make things a lot worse in the future.

All the best hun xx

bouncydog1

Personally I don't think it is worth expending your enegies on pursuing a relationship with this man, who clearly has no respect for you.

He is now seeing a debt counsellor - that to me is a knee jerk reaction on being found out - in the same way that men who have affairs tell their wives how much they love them.

You will never ever fully trust him again and will spend the rest of your life (if you take him back) wondering if he is telling the truth. I would be strong, cancel the wedding, get things sorted so you are truly separate from him, and move on with your life and find somebody who deserves you.

Your feeling of self-worth and self-respect will increase 1000 fold. Don't even think about him ending up on the streets - that is hardly likely if he has been able to go back to his family - the problem is of his making, not yours - he has to live with that (but after a week I doubt he will give it much thought as he sounds like a person always looking out for his own benefit - very selfish).

No doubt I will get berated for these hard words but unfortunately life is hard sometimes and dealing with stuff like this inevitably makes you a stronger person.

blondie_86

Hi there,

I am Little_h's partner.

Firstly I would like to thank everyone for the advice they have given on here, most of it is very much against her taking me back but I don’t blame anyone for feeling like that, I deserve to loose her for doing this to her.

I can’t really explain on here what was going on in my head, all I know is that I should have done the right thing a long time ago, and at very least been honest with her about my situation. Its not the case that I didn't want to talk about and tell people, I wanted it to be out in the open, but the longer we were together and the more involved we got with each other, the harder it got to find a way to break it to her, its hard to believe I know, but I love her more than anything else in this world. I hadn't told anyone about my situation, it started a long time ago and ended up spiralling out of control and I was very naive thinking that one loan would sort out another etc etc and in the end it was such a mess I couldn't handle it so I buried my head in the sand and pretended it wasn't there. I feel such remorse for mess i’ve caused, i don’t expect that anybody could ever understand what my head was telling me through all this, i was so frightened that by telling little_h i would loose her, i knew how strongly she felt about financial problems because of her own and the reasons for that, which are genuine, unlike mine which just come down to just not wanting to deal with it and not wanting to tell people because of how they might feel about me after they knew.


The only way i can really describe it is a voice that is always telling you that if you can just buy yourself a little more time then you'll suddenly work it all out and you wont need to tell anyone and then nobody will think badly of you. I see now that it doesn't ever happen, it just makes the situation worse all the time and you spend everyday feeling like the walls are closing in. I don't want to loose her, she means the world to me, and i'm begging everyday for her to give me a chance to show her how commited to making things right and show her how much i love her. I would like to say that whilst it was still very very wrong to have got into this situation in the first place, i didn't steal from her to pay towards what i owed, i had her possesion at my house while i was moving out, i got into a lot of debt with the landlord and he came round very angry and took it from me, i begged him not to and told him that it didn't belong to me, but he said that he would only give it back i had some paperwork to prove that it wasn't mine, so i took the paper work from little_h to show him it belonged to her, but when i showed it to him he snatched it from me and wouldn't give it back. I realise how wrong this whole situation is, at the time it was the same voice saying if you just take the paperwork, he will give you it back and then you wont have to tell her what a bad person you are and you wont loose the happiness she brings to your life.

I am making the steps towards turning my life around now, not as a knee jerk reaction, but because by doing right by everyone is the only way i can ever get back any self respect, and its the only way my life can go forward. All i can hope is that little_h can dig deep and find something inside to give me this chance to be with her, life is short,and i've made a big mess of everything up to this point, but i wont fail this time, i just hope that i don't have to spend the rest of this life without the girl i love, and love with every last fibre of m body. I miss her so much.

I'm so sorry little_h.

Thankyou everybody for reading this.

Primrose

I am truly sorry for the dilemma in which you find yourself and I think you are right to undergo the deep soul searching in which you are now engaged in.
This is a situation which has the capacity to hugely affect the rest of your life, and possibly your future childrens' lives, if you have them with this man.
He has stolen from you. He has abused your trust. He has consistently lied to you and your family and friends have the advantage of being emotionally distanced from him in a way that you are not. They have the ability to see that his cheating on you in this way has the capacity to destroy somebody they love. You can't blame them for wanting no part of it.

You say you deeply love this man. A beaten dog still gives love to its owner (in a way) because it is dependent on its master for food and the means of survival. Put yourself in the position of the beaten dog for a moment and ask yourself if this is how you want your future to be.

Of course he wants to move back in with you. He wants somebody to fund him, give him a place to live and solve all his problems for him. You are right to delay your wedding. You are having serious doubts about his capacity to change, and the possibility that he will drag you down with him into his pit.

This is a tough suggestion but it's now time for him to stand on his own two feet, acknowledge the problem and start doing something about it. Put your wedding plans into indefinite cold storage. Make him go to a debt counselling agency and start facing up to the reality in which he finds himself. And DON'T let him move back in with you. If you're having douibts about his inability to change, the last thing you want is to have him linked with you in any way. If this man is who you want to spend the rest of your life with, he's got to prove to you that he's worthy of you sticking with him. Give him moral support and encouragement by all means, but make him prove he's got the guts to sort this out on his own initiative, otherwise you could end up being a wife with children, married to a man who is totally unable to support his family. Don't make any hasty decisions. See how he performes. Be prepared to admit you're wrong and backing a loser. It may be a hard decision now but in the longer term it might be one of the best decisions you ever made.

ampersand

little_h,
If you need gardening/DIY help and were thinking of taking a lodger, do just this, combining them in somebody you will interview, choose and have a two-way Tenancy Agreement with.
There will be no emotional crossover. The money will be useful, as will the jobs done. You will be able to step outside the downward spiral and regain balance for, and re:, yourself and blondie_86.
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blondie_86,
A lot of verbiage there. I hope you will act on your own account and for your own self-esteem, rather than absorbedly circle your self-made situation.

If you are little_h's partner, let your actions speak, show substance and from a distance.

Time will tell. Certainly no true marriage can go forward on the presnt basis.

missworks2jobs

Sorry to hear about your situation. I cannot tell you what to do but only share a similar story. My husband did a very similar thing (although he never stole from me and I was in debt too). When we first started living together I knew he had some old debts (a car loan, old store cards etc) but he "seemed" to be managing to pay them off ok. I offered him some MSE advice but didn't want to stress him out or be a pushy girlfriend. We were married but kept finances seperate until we bought our first house together (it was easier to just keep everything the way it was - laziness really transferring everything when we'd been together so long and it seemed to be working fine as i was).

I recently got into a financial mess myself and am only just clawing my way back from the bottom of it. Anyway....when we were going thru everything I found out the extent of his debt, I knew it was bad but not that bad! He'd been hiding how bad it was for years, terrified of telling me.

Turns out he had over £15k of old debts (young and stupid got a brand new car on finance at 18, store cards maxed out a credit card on nights out etc) and had basically just been continuing his spending as normal (not realising he's spending more than he earns) and the debts have moth-balled. He just kept consolodating them and they got bigger and bigger. He already knew I was worked up and in a financial mess myself and said it was his mess, he wanted to sort it out and not worry me when I already had enough of my own problems to sort out. After lots of crying at our desperate situation (and him saying the last thing he wanted was for me to get worked up). We had "THE CHAT".

I had to carefully explain that sticking his head in the sand wont make it go away, we were married and although he didn't want me to be mad/worried/stressed about his debt I didn't want him to be stressed out over it either. I pointed out that together we had worked out a way to get me out of my financial despair, so if we put our heads together we could do that for him too. We want to have a family and a home of our own, so I put it to him bluntly (shock of reality) if we dont sort this out....that is NEVER going to happen.

Finally he has faced his demons. He didn't actually realise how big his debts were or how long he realistically would be paying them off at the current rate til I showed him the interest calculator (26years to pay off his debts). He also didn't realise that we was wasting money in the way he was trying to pay them off and all the money he was throwing at them wasn't making hardly any difference. But with some budgeting and some organising we've figured out the best money saving way to do it. He's one of these who never looks at or opens his statements til its too late, never checks his balance, never remembers what is due to be paid when. He has finally seen the light (with lots of explanations and myth busting from MSE hints and tips) and were slowly working towards a reasonable plan to get us back to square one both debt free together! Then we go forward TOGETHER.

We looked at all his debts - rates, amounts, payments.
Changed all his payments to the day after payday by DD (so he wouldn't forget, be late or get charged for them bouncing).
We pay off the most expensive interest rate card FIRST.
We pay more than the minimum (cos that ensures you NEVER pay off the balance as it barely covers the interest).
We card tart to get the lowest interest rates.
We dont have savings - all spare money goes to cards (0.5% interest on savings which could be used to pay off 29.9% on credit card was illogical).
We use the demotivator...."do you NEED it or just want it" tool, and "will it still be there to buy on payday" or "will it wait til your birthday" questions before every purchase.
We fill the car up on payday at the cheapest petrol station rather than scrappy £5 and £10 when we have it at whichever (more expensive) place is near.
He's almost paid off his overdraft so we can get a joint account with my current bank (cos i'm better at keeping an eye on statements and check my balances). Plus my bank does not have extortionate charges like his and that account has a better credit rating.
We chopped up all his credit cards and cancelled all the store cards and now when he gets any "bank looking" post he hands it straight to me.
We discuss everything we spend money on (I am a terrible impulse buyer and have in the past been soft and lent money to relatives to never have it paid back). So he's been helping me stop doing that too.
We can see the balances going down and its really motivating, recently we cleared one card and he was so pleased he called them up and demanded a better rate (to do a balance transfer) or threatened them with closing the account.
We've signed him up for a text message service with his bank....it sends him a text when he's approaching overdraft so we can transfer some money across in time or put his cash card in a block of ice (so he can't use it - see the confessions of a shopaholic film to get the reference).
I've introduced him to the world of "shopping around" to get things cheaper (using examples of alternatives he could spend the "saved" money on) and ebay (for selling to make extra money on stuff he doesn't need/use, and to buy bargains).
He's even doing an evening class with the possibility of a more enjoyable (and better paid) career change at the end of it.
He's took on an extra job helping at the local pub with karaoke's and quiz nights and taking any overtime available - its not regular but its extra cash.

Moral of my story is.....we have to be honest with each other, its OUR future TOGETHER - we tell each other off for spending when we shouldn't and we're both going through our finances together deciding whether WE should spend OUR spare wages on the credit card or overdraft. Whereas before it was MY spare wages on HIS card, or HIS bonus on my LOAN. We have a plan, and a timeline (realistic one) so we both know when we'll be debt free and can see the "light at the end of the tunnel". We look at the pro's and cons of everything....would we rather spend £500 to go on holiday or be out of debt (with the hope of buying our own place) a month sooner.

My husband isn't devious, he was ashamed of how bad he'd let things get, and I love him to bits but he is rubbish with money - just scatterbrained and doesn't realise the consequences of what paying a bill late, or missing a payment meant. He's basically just rubbish with money. We now both understand how he got into that mess, and are trying to work on how to keep out of it now we know the pitfalls. Sometimes it takes someone else to point them out to you.

As for your other half, he might be a devious liar who is never going to change and drag you down with him like your family want you to believe.....or he might be desperate. You've heard the phrase desperate times, desperate measures. When you see no other way out some people's nature makes them do ANYTHING to get out of a bad situation, he may have been in denial about how bad things were. You need to have a good talk, no matter how hard it is, once its out in the open you will both feel so much better.

HE NEEDS TO ACCEPT HE HAS A PROBLEM (you may need to show him)
HE NEEDS TO WANT TO GET OUT OF IT (explain there is a way out)
HE NEEDS TO BE WILLING TO GET HELP (from you or financial advisors or debt management people to come up with a plan and DO IT)
HE NEEDS TO AGREE TO MAKE CHANGES (there's no point in bailing him out if he's not going to stick to the plan or get himself in the same situation again)
HE NEEDS TO STICK TO HIS PROMISES (so he can prove to you, and you know he means it and you have a future)
Good luck on whatever you decide x x x

Sorry i've rambled on