A Word of Warning to Us All (long)

MinnieSpender

Hi tesuhoha.

I don't think you're a pushy parent - I think you've got a lot of love for your children and want the best for them. And you've done right by them.

As for your daughter - well, may I say that she is just behaving like a student? It sounds very much like a phase to me. Part of growing up is about pushing boundaries and being reckless. It speaks volumes that she actually confides in you about what is going on. Many don't!

If she's in her final couple of years at uni she's probably becoming very aware that this is her last taste of "freedom" - she'll never get a chance to do this again, realistically, and it's probably a good thing that she's doing this stuff now rather than when she's working. You've brought her up to know right from wrong and she talks to you. See this as a phase and please don't panic!

I'd also add that as you go through uni the pressure builds up. Course work, exams and studying are one area of pressure, but add to that peer pressure, freedom and impending "adulthood" and you've got quite a volatile mix.

Very few students who stay at uni fail their degree (unless there are serious problems). The fact is that unis just won't let them. It doesn't look good to them to have a list of failures so they do make sure this doesn't happen.

Relax a little today, honey. Take OH and go for lunch or dinner tonight, or maybe just a walk and don't talk about your kids. Concentrate on each other and do it often.

I'm removing my earlier post - I hope you don't mind, but I now that you've read it I'd rather take it away!

stellagypsy

tesuhoha - that is what we experienced, no matter how much I banged on at the school about him and why was he not performing / conforming, no one took the trouble to do some very basic tests to diagnose him with dyspraxia - it was my SIL (who I don't see that much of) who is a SENCO in a school in London who craftily (and without my or his knowlege) tested him and alerted us to the problems he was having - at College they were wonderful and dealt with it straight away. (FWIW, SIL said they don't want to diagnose at some schools because it is a budget drain and doesn't look good on their statistics when parents are selecting schools for a school to have a proportion of kids with learning difficulties). He also has Irlen's syndrome, which about what he sees on the page - he looks at paterns between words and lines rather than the words - and does not like too much light when he is working so he has a dark sheet of film to put over his page (Uni give him his assignments on grey paper!!). If I were you - and I appreciate you are at your wits end with him, just as I was with my DS - I would try and find out what he wants to do in life - eg is he musical? does he like cooking / drawing / writing / painting doors / gardening - anything that interests him enough to motivate him enough to get off his a*se and want to work in that industry? Then find him a course he can do - even a part time course would be sufficient - and leave him to it, because when he is with like-minded people they will bring him on and he might find that missing spark of enthusiasm, and if he does have a learning difficulty the system will find it and steps can be taken to deal with it.

As for your DS - ooh, that's a tough one. I agree with other posters, she has gone from being "top dog" to being somewhere in the middle and that is hard. She is abusing herself by binge drinking and her dangerous behaviour - is she doing this alone or is she in a crowd of people who are behaving like this? Perhaps she can switch courses to something less demanding or something she feels she can handle without having to resort to such extremes.

HTH, Stella xx

calleyw

You have done what you thought was the best for your children. And loved them very much by the sounds of it.

But I think the toll on you has been both financially as well emotionally.

It is hard I am the only girl and the middle child of three. Well what can I say we where all brought up the same.

My eldest brother has been in all sorts of problems with the police. Has a son that is a right little sod and he is only 14 and again been lots of trouble. But that is down to his mother as they split up. Another story.

My younger brother is ok and not much hassle. Was not academic but gets by.

I am the only one in the house with anything higher than GCSE's. I have HNC, A levels and on my way to a degree fingers crossed. Financially I am more sorted then my brothers.

But and the big but was when I came to take my GCSE's (was the first year to take them so shows how old I was)I gave up got bad marks and then went back to college after a year and re-took my GCSE's and went on to do A levels as well. I got no help from parents. I got bed and board a few clothes and personal care items and that was it. Extras I had to earn.

As hard as it is you have paid already. My newphew went to uni lived at home had to pay his own fees and worked in a supermarket so he could have extras like his motorbike etc. And I know that his parents are comfortably off.

So I would say give him the basics like food maybe pants and socks and personal care items like shampoo etc and leave it at that.

I do understand why so many young people feel what is the point. They look around and see non-celebs earning tons of money for getting there mug on the TV and buying £500 handbags. But that is not the real world.

I do feel for you.

All the best.


Yours


Calley

lswwong

Just want to echo the possibility of learning difficulties. My sister probably has it and my mother's attitude has always been "things like that don't happen to us". My sister has changed schools heaps of times (each time at her insistence as she claimed the school was rubbish), did her O and A Levels twice at each level, been to crammers and spent a year trying to do a bio-chemistry degree but dropped out as she could not cope. By the time she finally got her hotel management degree, I had already finished my postgrad degree (bearing in mind that she is several years older).

All in all, because of her suspected learning difficulties that went undiagnosed for so long (and no help towards same), my sister built up and internalised a tremendous amount of insecurities and low self esteem. The way she boosts herself up is to go SHOPPING.

She has now, at the age of 41, become completely impossible to counsel. Her rage, anger and internal aggression mean that she thinks she is always right (sick of being told she is wrong) and everyone is just having a go at her.

I wish my parents never had the notion that "but one must go to university in order to get a better chance in life". I don't blame them at all for thinking this and it is only normal. However, "one size does not fit all" and some people are better off in the "University of Life". As for myself, I wish I went to uni later in life as my mind really only developed properly much later as an adult.

I hope Tesuhoha would not find it impertinent if I were to put down the following thoughts:

SON - learning difficulties or not, he is currently not one for "book learning". In fact, nor was I. Perhaps he might find his "mind" later on in life and there is nothing wrong with that. We are all conditioned into thinking the school-uni-career route. Empower him to break free from that and it is more than okay to achieve in life down another route. Then let him discover his inner abilities (but make him understand that he will have to do this for himself - no bailing out, these responsibilities are his own).

DAUGHTER - thinking back, I didn't get a good first degree class (and hence the father pushed me into doing a postgrad that had little value in the job market but he honestly thought the more higher degrees one has, the better the cachet). I was coping up to and until the end of my second year but got pig zero for 2 subjects in my third. I just want to say, I wish I dropped out of my degree before it became too much and I ended up with a rubbish degree class that has affected my life, as, sadly, a lot of professional jobs do require (blindly) higher degree classes. I am not doing badly now but wonder what I could have achieved had I gone to work instead of perservering with a degree that I couldn't quite do well in, and went back to uni of my own volition when I was older and more able? (My father wouldn't have stood that because he paid so much for my education - yes, fee paying school - and I had always done well so what was the problem then? What he did not understand was that I was an individual and not a machine that provides long term consistent results). Oh, about my postgrad degree, I don't even mention it in my CV as it has no value whatsoever and makes me over-qualified academically for the type of work that I do.

All best wishes for you and your family xxxxxxxxxxxx

wendym

Dealing with my younger daughter at 17 was the most difficult thing I have ever done.

At university she spent her 2nd year eating nothing but cucumber, spending her money buying secondhand clothes from the 'friend' who inspired the cucumber diet.

She got a degree, then spent a miserably unhappy year waitressing, living with a runty inarticulate weasel who thought that when he was introduced to us, the appropriate behaviour was blowing spit bubbles and sniggering.

Then, miraculously, she spent a touch-and-go year getting a post-grad teaching qualification, and has never looked back. She was a Deputy Head at 29, and yesterday, stressed and busy at the start of term, knowing I'm on my own for the w/end, drove 2 hours each way to say hello and find out whether I needed help with anything (I have arthritis).

Parenthood is one of life's great unfathomables. I do think if you can stay calm (I mean fake being calm!) when they're 17 you are laying down a foundation, but I'm not pretending it felt like that at the time.

southernscouser

Tes, don't be so hard on yourself.

So your son might not have loads of bits of paper with fancy letters on, and your daughter has lost interest in something and got drunk. So what?

You decided to bring your kids up the way you wanted but what you have given them what your friend hasn't given her kids by the sound of it is love. You've brought them up the right way. They know the difference between right and wrong which is more than can be said for a lot of kids these days.

Your son will sort himself out. He is a teenage boy and has loads of [STRIKE]testor[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]testtos[/STRIKE] hormones running through him. As for your daughter, she will work out what she wants to do and what she enjoys. Life isn't about having certificates with A's plastered all over them.

I'd rather be in a job earning little and getting by that I loved doing than wasting my years away in an overpaid hellhole!

Give yourself some credit girl. You and your OH should be proud of yourselves! :beer:

tesuhoha

Thank you all for your kind words. It is very touching that you have all put so much thought and effort into helping me. I am taking on board and thinking about all the advice. You are all lovely. I know that other people are far worse off than us but it is good to be able to come on here and have a vent and receive words of friendship and comfort. Minnie you made me feel a lot better and SS you brought a smile to my face with the testor testors - hormones but yes thats what he's full of. Thanks also to stella, wendym, callyw, gypsy etc. Hope I havent missed anyone off because I value your remarks and am going back to read over them all later. Might lose this if i try it now as posts get easily deleted on this laptop. I should try to put it all in proportion. DD told me last night she has to sort her life out so thats a start anyway. Once again thank you very much.

southernscouser

tesuhoha wrote:

SS you brought a smile to my face with the testor testors - hormones.

My hormones brought a smile to your face? :eek:

I hope your OH don't read this!

tesuhoha

Yes, its a bit cheeky isnt it? Never mind. Hormones are like that. They bring a smile to your face.

calleyw

southernscouser wrote:

My hormones brought a smile to your face? :eek:

I hope your OH don't read this!

:rotfl:


Yours


Calley