A Word of Warning to Us All (long)

BertieMeldrew

tesuhoha wrote:

He's just come into the room and asked me if I'll restart his allowance when he goes to college. Its so hard. I dont want to and yet I feel so mean giving him nothing. Ive got to be strong.

Please don't... the time has come for him to find his own way...

You get an A* for honesty and openness - from me anyway. I wish you and your husband well. Whatever faults your kids may have I suspect they love you and that your family is reasonably close. Just look in the press at some of the horrendous families out there and you've not done too badly!

I guess if there are two morals here then "spare the rod and spoil the child" (and I don't necessarily mean "physical" rod) and... damn! I forgot the second one :rotfl: ...I'll edit it in when I remember it!

BertieMeldrew

...on a similar theme I came across this yesterday. How gross can some parents be?

lynzpower

I have a savings account for him but I emptied it last year and the money went into his school fees. I am now paying £10 a month into it just so I can give him something when hes 21

I wouldnt bother in all fairness. Hes what 18 now? I cant remember what I got off my folks for my 21st but I do know they sent me a telegram, which was cool.

rkh001

tesuhoha - this is so sad. You have done everything you could to give your children the best, whether you could afford it or not. But I don't think you can atually say that your children are spoilt because you gave in. There is really nothing to say that children will turn out the way they do. Unfortunately parents get the blame. As Gibran said "your children are not you, they are from you." You can only do your best to turn them into law-abiding, well-behaved etc children.

Making your children responsible for themselves is a good thing. But doesn't always work. I worry that they might get into bad company and start doing things that could get thim into serious trouble. I don't have children but I do have nieces, nephews and 3 step-children. Of the 3 SC, 2 are working and hold down good jobs but the youngest, 14 yr old girl is in a bad crowd and totally selfish. We have tried bribing her to go to school, we have given her money (not any more though, she spends it on smoking!!), we have tried to buy her books to help keep her interested in studying - nothing works. So we have left it upto her mother to deal with her. Afterall, she is her guardian.

Many people with children will come here and perhaps give you some advice, ideas etc.

Thinking of you and HUGS.

rkh

Iona_Penny

How about telling him you will give him some money BUT ONLY when he has found a job for himself?

Penny-Pincher!!

Hugs hun!!

What an indepth and honest post...well done!! Do you feel better for talking about it?

Your kids are not children anymore and shouldnt need mummy and daddys support. I think you need to be cruel to be kind. Its not fair on you and the guilt trip they are putting on you...when they are not willing to meet half way IYSWIM.

Although I dont think your a bad mother...you have done this from your heart and not from your mind. We all want to make sure our kids have the best start in life but sometimes its not possible and we make wrong decisions...we are only human afterall.

May I ask why you pumped all your money into trying to get them the best education? Did you and hubby not go to good schools and you wanted to make sure this didnt happen to your kids? Its such a huge amount of money.

DD starts at grammar school on Tuesday, but if she wouldnt have passed...Im pretty sure she would do well wherever. I think alot does depend on the child and some children no matter how intelligent, will go off the wires whatever school they go to and friends they choose.

I really wish you well, but please dont be too hard on yourself. You have done more than enough.

Blockbusters would be a good start for him in looking for a job if he like playing games and watching films.

Hugs

PP
xx

Dumyat

Bringing up kids is so difficult..and no two are the same. we are struggling with teenagers at the moment. both are doing well at school and are "nice" kids...but what I am struggling with ..what is normal teenager strops..and what is crossing the line and taking advantage? I am talking about helping round house, getting a part time job (son has just turned 16)....

some kids can have a spoilt attitude with no "spoiling" and some kids who have everything can have a kind nature....who has the answer?

mummytwinton

may i just say i have 2 children under 4 & we do try to do loads with them & i worry they are missing out becasue we don't have loads of spare money.
we don't buy them toys as such but i do like to try & take them some where every day even if it's just the park. i have read your message & it has made me think that spending time reading or just talking to them is way better than buying them things.
it's hard when you are first a parent to know which road to take & sometimes you on;y know you have goen wrong when it's too late but don't give up. it show's how much you love them by what you have thought about in your message & we love in the end i hope all will work out right.

i was brought up with parents who had little money but we have all left school & got jobs ok not on thousands but not bad either & all owe our own homes.

it's so ture what you are saying though it's not how much money you spend on them it's how much time you spend with them.

westwardbymanier

why dont you explain to both of your children that we cant carry on giving them hand outs. Sit down and show them the paperwork of your debts to make them fully aware that the reason that you are in debt is because of continually bailing them out.I know its hard but it may make them think before asking for more money.
My son at 15 got him self a job working at a paintball centre as casual work as a marshall which is hard work but good fun. Perhaps this would suit your son as looks are not important . If not perhaps the library will have a few books on part time work they can do.In the mean time whilst there looking for work get them to clear out their bedrooms and sell stuff on amazon ,ebay,car boots etc.To start funding their new career.
But dont beat yourself up just difficult as it is you need to tell them how much you love them,tell them how proud you are of them.How ever annoying they are find as many positive things today that they do and tell them.But try for a short period to ignore anything bad that they do that upsets you.My son went through the getting drunk stage and as cruel or digusting as you may think this is.I decided when he got drunk and had been sick all over himself i would leave him to go to bed in his filthy clothes so in the morning he would wake up with the reality at what he had done.Also made him strip his bed and remake it and put it in the washing machine.And has realised that you can have a great time without sticking large amounts of alcohol down your throat.
I hope i havent offended you and that today will be a better day.

nearlyrich

I sympathise with the OP, you try to do the best you can for your children and sometimes they can be a disappointment.

I was brought up one of six, with little in the way of material stuff, what we needed not what we wanted but always lots of love and parents who gave us 100% support to get a decent education. We all have good jobs, own our own houses, 2 of my brothers own companies so you could say we all have a strong work ethic, we all had part time jobs from 14 and I was in demand as a baby sitter for friends and family for years, it kept me in clothes and music.

I have 2 children about the same ages as the op's DS just going into 3rd year at uni, DD about to start year 2. I have always worked and after a pretty tough start have been in the fortunate position of being able to give then a good lifestyle with foreign holidays, nice clothes, exciting toys etc.

My problem was they had better things to do than get a job when they were 16, I stuck to my guns and didn't increase their spending money just gave then what they needed for school etc. Eventually they got the message, both got a job and now they both work alongside their studies, they just have basic student loans and I pay their fees. They use their student o/d's for cashflow but hopefully will leave uni owing just £9k each plus interest.

I do support them as much as I can with a shop at the beginning of each term fo the boring but expensive stuff like washing powder. They also still get £100 per month because they can't get a full loan due to our income and I have planned and budgetted this support for them, it's better than owing a bank 1000's or having a huge CC debt just to eat and live.

I only do this because they are doing their bit, I had a discussion before 6th form that this additional education was optional and I would only support them if they were committed to work hard and get the benefit from it.

I hope your son works out that he has had a lot of good stuff on a plate but now he needs to take responsibility and get a job and work at his studies, life is hard lesson one. Good luck stay strong and keep posting.