A Word of Warning to Us All (long)

Gemmzie

Just a view from a teen end of the scale....

I'd always done well in school but parents couldn't afford to send me to private school and we don't have grammars here. But I worked my butt off and got into the top sets in all my subjects at school.
Then in Yr11 (GCSE year), I just gave up, I hated school and stopped going. I eventually got permission to withdraw and then one day, just went back. I barely attended and yet, from working at home, I passed all of my GCSEs with A* - B grades (except Spanish, got a D, but that's hard to teach yourself).

Then I went to college, really motivated and got sick, got behind dropped out. My parents were really supportive and after three months of working I decided I wanted to go back to college and start over.
Went back Sep 2005, completed my AS year. And I'm going back part-time this year to complete my A2s alongside part-time work and voluntery work.

I think sometimes the schools drive too hard for university to be a doctor, lawyer etc and forget that not everyone wants that.
Sometimes a change or a break can work wonders. I have much more idea of what I want as a career than many of my friends who are leaving for university this year, and they respect that. It's just having the courage to stand up and think "I don't know what I want, but I want to find out"

jordylass

I have to agreee with the post of youngandreckless.

I think that as a parent it is wrong to put my expectations onto them.

I too find it difficult not to want things for my children, but I try to step back and even if I don't understand their wants all I can do is offer advice and then support them in whatever they decide they want to do.

The only expectation I try to have is for them to be happpy, healthy children who are comfortable in their skin and their place in the world.

I hate myself when I compare them and us to other other people, I think this maybe one of the only things supernanny gave us, "well at least mine aren't as bad as that".

I think disadvantaged children go 'off the rails' as much as those who have everything, and if any of us had the defintive answers to succesful parenting we'd be very wealthy indeed and able to indulge our children as much as we wanted.

anniebooklover

Sweetie,

I read your post and as far as I am concerned there are two ways you could look at it. You could be a martyr and blame yourself for every mistake your two children make or you could be realistic and take the view that you have offered your children every opportunity they could have been given and they have blown it. Please forgive me for seeming so tough. It is most definitely not personal.

There are plenty of children who would have blossomed in the private education field. Your children didn't. Whether you choose to view that as a personal failing is up to you. What you CAN do is refuse to put up with their defeatist attitude from hereon in.

You can tell them that you support them 100% from hereon in but they have to put the work in for you to support them. You refuse to accept responsiblility for their failure from this point forward. You have every faith in them as the responsible, caring adults that you raised them to be but it is up to them now to be the adult THEY want to be.

There is an old saying- if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. Set them free, hun. See if they come back.

wishing you all the best, Annie.

Willsnarf1983

the question is

'did u ask ur son what he wanted to do or did you jsut presume that private education would be his route to success?'

' and your daughter got 13a*, did well in her a-level, is in year 3 of uni and ur still moaning!!!!'

i feel for your daughter, what else can she do to prove herself to you!

to higher expectations and comparisons to ur friends family

Will

esthomizzy

Don't blame yourself for the way things have turned out. The nature nurture debate rumbles on as always but for my money there's a mixture and maybe even 50/50. It could be that if you'd made different choices the end result would be the same. Also as another poster pointed out some people take longer to grow up and it could be your son just needs a few more years. In the meantime to ease that growing up process you need to cut the purse strings sit them down explain the situation (ie that you expect them to be able to use their wits and education to earn their own money now they are adults). Also with regards to resits or anything like that if you expect or suspect your son only wants to enrol to do resits to get you to restart his allowance then that's the the last thing you should do. If he genuinely wants to have another try at study he'll get a part time job while he does so if he doesn't then he'll have to get a full time job.

I think on reflection partly of my own past that there are people who suit public school life and people who don't. I would have been horrified to have been sent to public school as a child as I would have seen it as a sign that my parents didn't care about me enough to have me around but my boyfriend did go to public school and loved it. I don't have any children but if I did I would try and give them the option of public school if it wasn't a burden on my finances to do so. In terms of struggling with the peer pressure of much richer children/families I feel it's sort of back to the different types of people you'll either stand up to it and be tough enough to shake it off and will end up hardier in life as a result or you'll crumble and hate it and want to drop out. From knowing myself as I do I'd be the latter sort but I think a public school education gives you a certainty of knowledge on a broad range of subjects that you just don't get in the mainstream education system. My family were much poorer when I was a child than they are now so I didn't get spoiled at all and have always been well grounded in the value of money, hence I am the one in our partnership who is good with money. My boyfriend while not exactly being spoiled didn't have pocket money and have to save up for things like I did he asked for things when he wanted them and his parents decided whether or not he should have them. I think in that respect my parents were right. Another family example I can think of as why you shouldn't blame yourself is my Mum and her two sisters. My gran and grandad (poor no spoiling) brought up 3 kids in exactly the same way my Mum went to grammar school (first born) and the other two went to the secondary modern. My Mum and the younger sister are now both married with kids and a house etc, my Mum is a care assistant (not utilising her grammar school education) and my Aunt and uncle run their own business neither are rich but they are happy. The middle daughter has drifted through one dead end job after another getting sacked and ending up a miserable alcoholic who will beg borrow or steal money and upsets the rest of the family every time they get together. All 3 daughters were treated exactly the same and none were spoiled so you can't always predict what might happen despite doing your level best.

I'm sorry that was long and rambly but I meant to make you feel that you haven't been a failure you've given your kids the best options money can buy it's not your fault they didn't run with them. Give them the chance to stand on their own two feet, if they wont do that voluntarily you'll have to enforce the volunteering when they are a bit older they'll probably thank you for doing it.

irchy_mum

tomstickland wrote:

Tell him to take responsibility for his own life.

Everyone needs to take responsibility for their own actions,all the time you're 'bailing' them out, they never actually realise how to deal/cope with every day things/hardships.
Don't be so hard on yourself-you were doing what you thought was best/right thing to do.

tesuhoha

Thank you all so much for telling me your stories. I read them all with great interest. Thanks Minniespender as you obviously found it difficult to tell but it is much appreciated as are all your experiences and comments. However, some of you have mentioned our high expectations of our kids and that we are disappointed.(young&reckless). Please, Willsnarf I am not a pushy mother who gets viscerous pleasure from my kids high achievements. We sent our boy to the school at great expense because he was absolutely shattered when he realised he had blown his GCSEs and he said his life was finished. He wanted what his sister had, university, but for some reason he doesnt want it enough to study. After working with his father for a couple of weeks he once again decided he wanted to do AS levels after we had accepted that he had finished with education. My daughter I am perfectly pleased with and only disappointed that she might be thrown out of university. I am not moaning that shes there but that it will be a wasted opportunity and that with her letting herself go she will find it difficult to get a decent job. Thats all we are concerned about, we thought that giving them a good education would help them to make their way in the world and be successful in their lives but it seems to have had the opposite effect. They certainly dont have to prove themselves to us. I dont care about grades and stuff like that. If my son got a good job tomorrow i would be delighted and then he wouldnt need university and it wouldnt cost us any more money. I know that neither of them think that we have high expectations of them and are disappointed in them as people. I just dont want my daughter to throw her chances away. It doesnt matter what degree she comes out with as long as she achieves something to help her in employment. I dont want my son to be a bum basically. It would be ok for him to work in a supermarket but if he is to have a family he would need to work his way up to be able to support them and have a decent life. Its difficult to explain what I mean but they have not been pushed into education, just given the opportunities. We are kind and generous to excess and certainly not harsh with high expectations. My son can do what he likes, I certainly would not push him into anything at all.

stellagypsy

Hi tesuhoha - sorry to read of your problems but some things your son is doing have struck a chord with me. Have you ever considered the possibility that he has a learning disability? Don't go off on one or dismiss this as my son was diagnosed with one at 17, after he had left a good grammar school where he performed below average and was constantly in trouble, he totally hated it and if he could have got a job after that he sould have left education for good. However, no one was interested so he applied to college to do a GNVQ qualifiication in art and design (based purely on his talent in that field) and they spotted it there. I was totally shocked, how could the school have missed it? I have to say it has made all the difference, now he can explain how he feels and why he does the daft things he does and he gets a support package to help him with almost every aspect of his course. He has done vocational (rather than academic) qualifications and has the equivalent of 9 GCSE's at A-C grade and 3 A levels (2 B's and a C). Not bad for a kid the school wrote off, eh? It is now 4 years later and he is going in to his second year at Uni and doing very nicely.

Perhaps something is impeding your son's progress that he can do nothing about, it is worth a try.

HTH, Stella xx

rog2

I have, only this morning I am ashamed to admit, read through your thread I think that there are lots of us who have similar, albeit not always as harrowing, experiences with our children.
I too was brought up as one of five children, in the 50's and 60's. Only now do I appreciate how difficult it was for my parents. I was lucky enough to pas my 11+ and go to a grammer school, but my twin brother went to a secondary modern. He left school, with 6 CSE's and went straight into an apprenticeship, whereas I scraped 5 O levels (just) and went on to do A's. I think, now, that I was jealous of him having a wage, although I worked weekends at a hotel. My elder brother went to University and my parents could simply not afford to have two sons at uni, so I left school, at 17 and went into work ('Good job' in Civil Service but I never had the money that my twin brother did).
Anyway, once married (24) I was determined that our children would have the best. The eldest two (Son and Daughter) did well at school, and my son was offered places at three good Uni's. He did not want to go to uni and drifted around for a few years, doing the odd job,but not holding one down.
Eldest daughter got excellent GCSE results, but as there was no 6th form at her school, she had to go to the local comprehensive to study for her A's. All seemed to be going well, until we got a letter, from her form tutor, asking us to go and see him. Apparently, for over 3 months, my daughter had been going to school for registration, but not turning up at any classes.
We thought that she may have en the subject of bullying, although she would not admit it, and, reluctantly, we allowed her to leave school and get a job. Two years later, she had her 'lightbulb moment'. She registered at the local secretarial college, passed all her exams with honours, and got a job as a pa. She is now a buyer, with a very large company and is purchasing her first house, with her partner.
My son got his wake up call at 26 - he applied to the local university (so he could still live at home) got mature student funding, got his degree and is now working in IT (Still living at home though).
There was an eight year gap between these two and my youngest daughter, and, whilst she has inherited some of the traits of her elder siblings, I am pleased to say that her 'passage through education' has been much more traditional - she got good GCSEs, excellent A levels, took a 'gap' year and is now at Uni.
I have to say that, in spite of the 'hiccups' I am proud of the way my children have ended up, and one day I hope you will be able to say the same.

tesuhoha

rog2 thank you. I hope that my 2 will turn out half as well as your 2. stellagysy I have wondered the same thing but he has been to 4 different schools now and no one has diagnosed any learning difficulty. All they ever say is that they cant make him out. As I might be thought by some to be a pushy parent in the case of my daughter I would like to let you know that our worries stem from the fact she has run her student overdraft up to over £1,000, she is binge drinking (she has told me about some drunken episodes that were rather horrifying and demeaning), she has had the accident and she is neglecting her studies to the extent that she is taking retakes and has told me that she is in danger of being thrown out. This is why we are worried about her. My husband said this morning that he wouldnt mind being in debt if the kids were alright and that just about sums it up.