A Word of Warning to Us All (long)

moriarty888

You've brought a tear to my eye. My parents sacrificed so much for me and my brothers and sisters. My father has now unfortunately passed away, but at least he knew how much we loved and appreciated everything he did for us all. You and your husband sound like amazing, selfless people. Please take some time for yourselves, you deserve it. This is a wonderful world and you and your husband deserve a chance to see it and experience the best of it. The kids will be fine in the long run, as long as they have their health and a roof over their heads, let them work it out for once.
Sometimes you have to be selfish, go on, take yourselves out for a nice meal and enjoy the benefits of all your hard work. And tell the kids to have the house good and clean when you get home!:D

Murtle

She is being discouraged by her mother from doing A levels.

As for working at Sainsburys I wish he could but its really difficult to get work at supermarkets here and hes not the sort of kid that employers go for. I wouldnt employ him when there are loads of enthusiastic streetwise kids out there. He lacks ambition and has no interest in work.

Tesuhoha you know your son best, but these two comments stood out to me, the first is your comments about someone elses kids, the second is your comments about your own. She will pick up on her mothers and sounds like she rebels against her Mum (aren't we girls a nightmare at times ) your son may be picking up on your comments and living up to them.

Good luck

x x

lswwong

Tesuhoha - your story sounds like my parents'. Won't bore you with the details but my older sister is like your son. She is now 41 and is still living off my parents and frequently ask them to bail her out of her debts (and not paying anything back despite having promised to. She probably owes my parents some £80K).

My parents have always agonised over whether to withdraw support and harden up. They never did and my sister never learnt her lesson. She does not know what it is like to have nowhere to turn to, or even destitute, because my parents will always bail her out. Recently she thought she would be clever and trade warrants (something which is best left to professionals) in an effort to make big money quickly, clear her debts, and perhaps with something left over to spend on more unnecessary stuff. She ended up losing £16K. Again, she asked my parents to bail her out. My parents are pensioners! I ended up sending money I saved for buying a property to my parents, only because they asked. If my sister asked, I would have said NO (and some other rude things).

If only my parents got hard with my sister when she was a lot younger ..... she knows my parents' are a soft touch and exploit it.

Life is not easy and we all have to learn it the hard way. Don't feel bad about withdrawing direct/financial support (moral support will always be given). Tough love is the right kind of love.

Whits

Well done for being frank and honest, it takes a lot of guts to actually admit you could have done things better.

My 17 year old foster son has no motivation whatsoever, he left school last summer and hated the idea of going to college, getting a job or doing anything that involved getting off his backside.

In the end, his social worker and my OH decided that we should stop asking him what he wanted to do and start telling him. The social worker dragged him off to various events where he was forced to socialise, made him do a cookery course, and then told him that he was going to a garden centre for work experience.

He is now back at the garden centre doing 2 days a week voluntarily and is going to start getting paid. He's enrolled at college and will almost certainly get EMA. He has now decided that having no money sucks, and if he has to work hard to get some, it's worth it.

I always thought my OH was too soft, but getting her to admit it was the hardest part. It's very harsh when you have to tell your son that he can't have something when his cousin get's everything she wants as her parents are loaded. But both of them have understood the value of money enough to want to earn it for themselves.

Good luck and I hope it works well for you and them.

Mrs_Optimist

Interesting thread and I admire the OP honesty.

I have explained before that I am the eldest of 5 and our parents had NOTHING - our home was reposessed when I was 12 so at one point we did not even have a roof over our heads! I was given £5 per week pocket money by my lovely dad which I did appreciate. I had a paper round at 13, saturday job at 15 and have never stopped wrking since. 2 kids later I am still working and even support my DH now whilst he is retraining at 37 to be a plumber (how I wish he had been given the chance of an apprenticeship like the OP son had). We have had to fund all of his course fees (£7,500 at the last count) and live on a part time wage for the last 12 months. I paid for my own driving lessons (when all of my friends were funded theirs by their parents), paid for our wedding, bought our own home after scrimping and saving for 18 months and having NO social life, I could go on. Basically what I am trying to say is that when I compare my life with that of my cousins, friends and even rich Brother and sister in-laws(who have rich parents to help them out but MIL wouldn't DREAM of helping her Son (DH) out) they haven't achieved half of what we have go despite of all the financial help they have had. I bring my own two children up in much the same way that I was brought up, the only exception being that I like them to have nice clothes and so do spend a small fortune on their wardrobes (they are 8 and 5). Most people think this is a waste of money, but I think it stems from my chidhood, having second hand clothes, shoes with holes in cos mum didn't have the money to buy new ones etc. We dont go out (hardly ever) and dont smoke, do not have any loans or credit cards, and so I feel that if the money is there (allbeit very limited at the moment for reasons already explained) why not? It gives me great pleasure buying nice clothes for the children. They do all right for toys too but that stems from having 3 sets of grandparents (my inlaws divroced and one remarried) lots of aunties and uncles (DH is eldest of 5 too) and good friends who insist on buying for Christmas and birthdays. I fret that maybe my children are spoilt but I do not hand everything to them on a plate and as soon as they are old enough they will have to earn their own money, be it paper round, saturday job etc if they want extras. Sorry to waffle on - there is loads more I could say and lots of examples of spoilt children I could mention but you would spend the whole weekend reading it!!!!!

youngandreckless

I'm going to come at this from a different angle, but believe me when I say that in no way am I having a go at you or your husband.
I read through your posts and a few things really stood out to me. It is obvious that you love your children, but are disappointed in them. I wonder how this makes them feel? I worry that you had such high expectations given your investment in their education, that they felt they couldn't live up to it. It may explain why your daughter is struggling at the thought of competing and not being good enough? I think your son may well have been bullied as his esteem seems to be low and he struggles to see things through. You are absolutely right to re-consider your financial support as by your own admission it hasn't helped, so maybe you can help him see a careers advisor or something to narrow down what interests him and what he would need to do in order to work in that field/s. I think you are in a viscious cycle as you are quite rightly stressed and upset that you have all this debt and the start in life you had hoped to give your children hasn't quite worked out, but that maybe your children can't live up to what you wanted? or that your anger at them not appreciating what they've been given is because you're comparing it to your own childhoods and opportunities. The problem is they only know what they have seen and experienced and unless they had been through it themselves they probably will never know how lucky they are.
You can't change the past and your son can't change the fact he threw away such good opportunities you have worked so hard to give him, so maybe now should be a watershed where you draw a line under what has happened before and try and move on?
Financially you can't sustain how you have supported them in the past and you shouldn't have to, so you're right to toughen up, just show your support in other ways.
Comparing yourself to your friend and their family is a bad idea as it is just making yourself feel bad. You're a great parent, you have given your children a great deal, all out of love and although you're worried about their futures, I am willing to bet that things will turnaround for the better in time, especially if they have to stand on their own two feet some more. Let them learn to come to you for advice and support rather than money.
I hope I haven't spoken out of turn, it is certainly not my intention to offend you in any way. I just worry that you will make yourself ill with all the worry and regret about the past and you deserve a happy future.
Y&R x

awaytogoyet

My heart goes out to you tesuhoha - I can fully understand why you feel so down - all you have done is given your all to let your kids have a good start in life. Kids don't come with a training manual and parents inevitably are just a couple of ordinary people trying to do their best.
Therein almost lies the problem, I think! Our 'best' these days often includes plenty of indulgences financially - so determined are we to give them everything we didn't have. I really believe that some of todays youth have no hunger, drive or strong work ethic as a direct result of that.
I know we try to install these values in them from our own experiences - but I believe they have to actually experience it themselves to really learn that lesson.
I had fantastic parents, very poor but very resourceful. As soon as I was old enough, though, I wanted to get out to work, to buy some of the things I'd never had, get my own home etc. I've had a very strong work ethic ever since, likewise my Sister. I also had great respect for my folks and will be eternally grateful for everything they gave up to give me what they could.
In one way, if you really don't have any money at all, you simply can't over-indulge your kids financially - that's relatively straight-forward. However, once you have it - it makes the process much more complicated - you don't want to be mean & you want to try and make life easier for them. But, sadly - this is what seems to happen. Your story must be shared by so many.
Anyway - it's 'you time' now. Take yourself & hubby off on hols and let them jolly well get on with it. They have to learn the lesson & now is the time. Explain to them what you have given up to give them this start in life & now they must make the most of that. You'll give them advice and emotional support - but money - no - it's time for them to make their own!
Why do so many 'rich kids' and young celebs go off the rails & sink into substance dependency etc? - it's because their life has no structure and framework. Most people (particuarly when young) need the discipline of having to get up & go to work (or no money) as a framework for their lives.
Take care and look after yourselves now.

elizw

welcome to the world of parenting - this is much harder than when they were 2 or 5 or 10. I think you have given your children a fantastic start with top education, variety of experience and real world education, and if they are floundering a little now - that is ok.

Your boy is very young yet - brains do not mature until early 2os and his attitude could completely change within a few years - I have seen it happen first hand - all that you have said and done over the years will emerge from the dark recesses of his mind and he will see the light.

Your daughter is clever and even if she doesnt pass through her uni education without top grades she will still make it in the real world

So dont agonise over what you think were your mistakes - they are the ones living their lives the way they want to at the moment - they have had opportunities others could only wish for

david_hellier

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You are not alone. We all have thought that giving lots of academic and financial help to our kids is right, but at the end of the day, this can lead them to an attitude of an unwillingness to accept responsibility.

Adversity maketh the man. But today many of our children have experienced no adversity and, sadly, many young people on this site are experiencing their first adversity in life, getting in to debt. Your children may end up in debt too later in life.

All I can suggest you do is explain to them both that the well has run dry (even if it hasn't) and help them get a better understanding of the value of money. Even a millionaire has to budget, or they don't stay millionaires for long.

Good luck.

wendym

The oldest son of a close friend of mine charmed his way through the first few years at secondary school, then did really disappointingly at GCSE. They decided to pay for a very expensive VI form college, where he worked the charm again. On the day of A level results, he went off in the morning to get them, then disappeared off the face of the earth (as far as his frantic parents knew..father a teacher) to re-appear in the small hours with black hair (he's a good-looking blond), make-up, and no A levels.

After flirting with disaster, living in squats, etc etc, he is now, several years later, in useful employment, married to a teacher who specialises in the teaching of Art to children with special needs, with 2 children of his own.

He can now talk quite sensibly about his teens, blaming some of it on the usual teen nonsense, but he did say that it was difficult being in paid-for education in the company of children of the seriously rich, and that he never felt he fitted in, as his peers got sports cars for birthdays and spent the summer at the family villa, or on a yacht etc. Feeling like the poor relation is never easy, even for adults. I often have to leave the room when my SIL is in full flow, cos decking him wouldn't work either morally or physically (he's 6ft 6!).

Is there any way you can sell a part-time job as potentially interesting, rather than a threat?

17 is a difficult age for both sides, and when my younger daughter was that age I used to tell myself that her behaviour was based on her sense that she could trust me, which helped at the time.

He's still finding his way, and it won't be easy or quick, but I bet he'll be a 22 year old to be proud of.