A Word of Warning to Us All (long)

Murtle

Your daughter is going through what lots of very bright children go through when they are placed amongst other very bright children, ie the tops of the all the schools merge and they suddenly realise they are not THE most intelligent person. It can be very shakey ground and she may need her confidence supported whilst she goes through it. I went to a grammer school and some of the girls in my year went through similar things when mixed with other people at the same level. I was the other way, I always thought I was fairly dim, then went to the local college and I fitted in just fine

I wouldn't persuade your friends daughter to do A levels, I didn't want to do them, I wanted to do a BTEC, I got crappy A levels. A BTEC would have been better for me. It sounds like she doesn't like the strict academia side of GCSE's/A Levels. I know I'm intelligent now, but if it doesn't interest me I don't pay attention. A Levels didn't interest me as I couldn't relate them to the real world. But BTEC's were new at the time so I couldn't do them :rolleyes:

Now your son, he's not that sociable, he likes nights, and he likes computer games....sounds the perfect candidate for a life in the IT industy. Look at www.jobserve.co.uk (try typing in games/tester/developer) into the search engine, you may be able to perk his interest in learning by advising that he could work towards working at a company that develops games!! Seriously though, if he has an interest in computers then computer studies may be worth while.

T you're a great Mum. Kids just react differently to things. All we can do it trial and error - you've tried giving him money....that was an error, now no more....maybe he could get interested in webdesign? something he could do on his own from his room?

x x

smilermonkey

Sorry tesuhoha, but how are you're children meant to suddenly understand a life that they were not prepared for? They are acting in accordance with lessons shown them, no-one becomes a sensible card carrying adult overnight (or therapy wouldn't be a booming business). It is not too late for them to learn but it will not be a quick turnaround. I am 42 and have finally told my Mum to stop bailing me out as I needed the 'slap in the face' to bring me to my senses. If the fire never burns your fingers why would you bother to stop sticking them in there?
I think there are alot of issues with your son. Reading between the lines he is a lovely boy. I am qualified in youth work and come across many worse cases. He is still a child psycologically even if on paper he is a man. He'll get there. Good luck to you all.

homersimpson_3

Its not necessarily the money and the education, but the way they are treated and allowed to get away with things. You will probably say that we have been too soft with them and ruined them. I know that now. Last time I posted, someone said about my son, give him a computer and £10 a week. Hes ruined. I think that person was right.

people try to do the best for their children - i know some children who have been given everything or very little - some succeeded in life whilst others have done not quite so well- a fair number of my friends left school with little or no qualifications/poor grades and in their early 20s returned to college, then university and their careers have really taken off. most earn substantially more than me. the point is -their perspectives may change as they grow older. also there is nothing wrong in working a supermarket or doing a public services course providing people are happy and contented. people in supermarkets sometimes work long or unsociable hours, can be on their feet for a lot of their day dealing with difficult customers and assist people buy the essential items to live (let alone the luxury ones). a refuse man (or whatever) who prevents diseases by remioving the rubbish is just as important as a doctor who cures the sick.

wendym

Never mind feeling/sounding old.....I AM old!

I'm currently wrapping up birthday presents for my about-to-be 4 granddaughter (a real pleasure, but tinged with a bit of sadness that although these are modest presents, my 2 daughters had next-to-nothing at the same age).

So far this year my daughter (still basically OK and nice) , my SIL (neither, but earns an obscene amount in the City.....as my mother used to say, he knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing) and the 2 girls have had:
February ski-ing holiday
2 weeks in a Yummy Mummy centre in Corsica
Today they get back from 2 weeks in France.

I am kind of ready for the day when (aged 6, would you guess?) my presents are sneered at, but much more importantly, I do so hope they are not too indulged.

And that is absolutely not a dig at tesuhoha. We all do our best, then I really think we have to cross our fingers and try not to take it personally. Which I know sounds ridiculous, but it can be a sanity saver.

And of course we're all pleased for your friend, but anyone who say their kids have never given them a moment's trouble is just a Great Big Fibber.

Dr.Shoe_2

My daughter had a very hard time at school with persistent bullying and so in the last year only went in about once a week. She didn't even take her exams in fear that the other girls who had made her life such a misery would use the occasion as an opportunity to do even worse.

After drifting in and out of cafe jobs and earning a pittance, she resigned from her last job because the girls found out where she worked and came in just to torment her- and only when the owner's back was turned.

So my wife marched her down to the job centre and she applied for a number of different jobs and heard nothing but got another cafe job which was well away from the area where her tormentors lived.

She lost this job as the owner couldn't afford to keep her on and so she was at home and thoroughly depressed.

Until about two weeks later.

Out of the blue, she got a phone call from a dental surgery asking her to go for an interview as a receptionist. Now, she'd done a bit of that before as part of her part time job in a vet's while at school so she was well excited.

When she got there it turned out that they'd misled her and the job was for a trainee dental nurse for which she passed the interview with flying colours as she'd done some veterinery nursing too.

The upshot is, she now has a lovely job she adores with great prospects, she's doing so well that her dentist has even suggested that she wait a few years and look at becoming a dentist as a mature student- though it might be wise to qualify as a hygienist first so she has a ready made part-time job if she does decide to go to university.


This just goes to show that you can pull your life around in an instant almost withouit warning and it matters not one jot how well you did at school though good exam results give you more options and an easier ride.

Some kids respond well to indulgent parents and others don't, it depends on the kid.

moriarty888

tesuhoha wrote:

I As for working at Sainsburys I wish he could but its really difficult to get work at supermarkets here and hes not the sort of kid that employers go for. I wouldnt employ him when there are loads of enthusiastic streetwise kids out there. He lacks ambition and has no interest in work. But you're right I'm not to give him any money. Goodnight.

I don't mean to be mean, but please stop mollycoddlying him, of course he's not "the sort of kid". If you don't believe he is, and you're his mother, how can you expect anyone else to?

Ask him where he thinks you get his allowance from? From working yourself to the bone! My parents never stopped telling me that "money doesn't grow on trees". It's an oldie, but a goodie. He's plain, old fashioned, spoilt. he obviously has no respect for your or your husband. Well, lead by example, start living YOUR life, and he might see that the way to get what he wants is to work for it, not to be handed it.

Sorry to be so harsh, but if you don't stop now, it's not going to be his fault that he's soft, it will be yours.

Good luck!

tesuhoha

Thanks for all your replies. I have read them all in detail and have taken note of all your comments. Dr Shoe, I am delighted for your daughter. I wish her good luck. I have had a long chat with my husband this morning and he has said that he is beginning to feel that he doesnt care any more. Pennypincher you asked me why we spent so much on educating our kids. Well my husband was from a family of 6 children and often they did not have enough to eat. His father had a good job, a trade but gambled all the money away and the kids went short. He did not help my husband to get a trade or anything but when he was 15 they pushed him out of the house and told him to go and find work. He is very intelligent and takes a great interest in the world, reads and watches documentaries. He often says that at their age he would have been fascinated by science, maths etc. He used to take things apart just to see how they worked. He would have loved their opportunities. He is trapped in his job, although it is well paid as we have a relatively high mortgage and high debt and he has to keep us going. He couldnt do an OU course or anything like that because he gets too tired in the evenings and weekends and goes to bed really early. Myself, I went to about 20 different schools because my parents kept moving around (we werent travellers by the way) and I was badly bullied and ended up as a school refuser. I never went to school again after the age of 14. However, I am pretty sure I would have done well as I excelled at English. Since the age of 15 I have always worked full time and only had about 6 years off when I had the children. We feel regret at educating them so expensively because a) we think that if we had been harder on them they would be doing better by now and b) knowing the sort of people we are and how much money is coming in by now we should be mortgage and debtfree and have a big house and plenty of money. We have decided that we are going to let the kids find out for themselves how hard the world is and we are going to pay off our debt and save up to renovate this old house. Then we should have money for holidays again. I agree with you all entirely. Teenagers don't always turn out how you expect them to and also they do need to learn to be independent. Also, my daughter is probably going through that bright kids thing, as she has always been top of her year and now has to get used to not being the sharpest knife in the drawer. I am going to encourage my son to try for a job and see how he gets on. I'll keep you posted on his progress. My husband is feeling very depressed about it at the moment as he said he at least expected our daughter to do well but its like she has given up. Still, I think they have to go their own way now and they are no longer children; they have to choose their own path in life. University is probably not right for him but I hope that he does find some niche that he fits. I lay awake last night worrying about them both and that is probably the crux of the matter. They have always us to fall back upon as many of you said and they know it.

tesuhoha

By the way mummytwinton I am glad my post has made you think. If it stops one person from making the same mistakes then it will have been worth it.

tesuhoha

Anyway, sorry for going on, but I do feel a lot better for getting off my chest.

tomstickland

I think you've done really well posting all of this. You are right to make your children share your situation. You can't keep bailing them out by putting yourselves into further financial trouble. The time has come to share the load. I think the long effect will be beneficial for all.

Motivation is a funny thing - I worked really hard at school, got loads of top grades, went to university, worked quite hard for one year, did one lazy year, then pulled it all together and went for Gold on the last two years.

I came out of that knackered, worked on a building site for the summer, which I loved, and then started a pHD. I hated it, I used to lie in bed until mid afternoon, stay up late, drink. I felt miserable and couldn't motivate myself to do anything.

After a few months I finally had my own lightbulb moment - I was going to give up the pHD! My god I felt happy once I realised that I could change and stop doing something I didn't enjoy. Prior to that I'd always struggled on through everything regardless of whether I enjoyed it or not. Conditioning I think.

I took a crappy job in a plant nursery, but I really enjoyed doing something physical and mindless for a few months. Eventually though, I started to feel that I was wasting my abilities, so I applied for loads of graduate jobs, but all the time was worried stiff by how boring they looked.

Anyway, when I finally started on my first graduate job I started to really enjoy myself. Loads more than I had ever had before. I found the work reasonably easy, but with loads of complicated problems that needed solving, people took my opinions seriously, I felt valued and I really enjoyed myself. Most oddly, I wasn't bored.

The lesson being here I supposed, that I can understand the awfullnes of lack of motivation, and it often takes a random situation to spark interest and get someone going. In your case I think a bit of situational pressure is the best thing for your son.