Fathers Day - Have i done wrong.

mad_as_a_march_hare

I think i have done something really wrong with regards to fathers day.

My DS is 10 and we wnt shopping the other day for fathers day cards, he bought one for his dad, who he sees probably twice a year, and while we were there he said he wanted to buy one for my partner, with whom he spends alot of time, and my partner has taught him so much.

I have been with my partner for almost 2 years now, all though we still live apart.

So DS has chose a giant card that just says on it your the best, and he chose one that says your like a dad to me.

When we got home i was looking on hallmark cards with DS for some other cards for my dad, and he found a funny one that needed a photo adding to it that said your like a daddy to me, he loved it and asked if he could send that one aswell. So we personalised it and had it sent direct through the post.

He got it yeterday and opened it, now this is where it goes all a little pear shaped, he had a rant at me on the phone last night, about said card, and that i shouldn't have done it and that i should have not had it posted to him direct and that my DS should be putting thought into his own dad and not him.

Well it was not what i was expecting from him, so now i'm in a huge dilema as we are spending the weekend with him, and DS is very excited about giving him his card and gift, and now i'm so worried as i really dont want DS to give it to him after last nights reaction, but i cant tell DS about it.

I'm thinking that i may just loose the little card that says your like a dad to me and tell DS i spilt my coffee on it and just let him give him the big one.

Sorry for rambling on, but it has upset me, this man is the nearest thing my son has to a proper dad in his life right now, and he wanted to just make him feel special. I dont know whether anyone has ever sent him a fathers day card in his life and in his past relationships as he has no children of his own.

So have i overstepped the mark and done completely wrong?
Is he over reacting?

What do you all think?

Thanks

saveallmymoney

You haven't done anything wrong, but you have clearly hit a raw nerve with your OH. You will have to discuss this in more detail with him as he may not understand that it was your sons idea and think you are trying to push him into a position he may not be comfortable with.

I'd be delighted if my step daughters were to put that much thought into fathers day for me - although we live "as a family" so it would be more expected i guess.

Proc

I think what you've done is really nice. Although you've got to go careful with confusing your son, the fact that he chose a card that says "you're like a dad to me" suggests that he is aware of and understands the circumstances.

It was a nice gesture, and maybe your OH has just been hit with a reality that by being with you, he also has to extent a responsibility towards your son. Maybe he has commitment issues? Maybe it was just a shock? Maybe he doesn't want to rock the boat with the real father by being deemed to be "stealing" his son.

I don't really know the ins-and-outs of your situation, but I think a child of 10 needs a father figure, and one that he only sees on a 6-monthly basis doesn't really cut it.

Remember, anyone can be a biological dad, but it takes a true man to be a father. Maybe your OH fits the bill more than the "real" dad and it's just a shock for him?

Either way, it sounds like you need a sit down and a chat with your OH about the reality of the situation. You've done nothing wrong.

gonzo127

to be honest i agree with the above it sounds like it might have hit home that in being with you he is also going to be seen as a father figure to your son and it might have scared the life out of him.

i would hope after he has had a bit of time to think about it he should cool down and i would also suggest telling him it was your son who wanted to send a card and not you making him

to be honest i would be over the moon if my step children gave me a card however it has never been something they have done for me so it doesnt bother me that they dont, possibly a factor is that when they was young me and their mum used to try and make sure they saw their dad as often as possible so they have a reasonable relatioship with him and probably didnt/dont want to risk upsetting him

aliasojo

mad_as_a_march_hare wrote: »

I have been with my partner for almost 2 years now, all though we still live apart.

So basically you have a boyfriend you have been seeing for 2 years.

I really don't want to be harsh or hurtful in any way but I'm afraid I do think you've inadvertantly overstepped the mark and put your boyfriend in a position he just wasn't ready to consider. He's fine with the boyfriend role and the pal to your son role, but a Father's Day card (even although it didn't say anything about being a Dad on it) is like setting the seal on something he's maybe just not comfortable with, especially since you have separate lives and don't live together.

I had kids when I met my OH, the youngest then was 8 so I've been in a similar situation and can understand how it was a 'no big deal nice thing to do' from your point of view btw. However I personally would have discouraged the lad from doing this until you were all living together and your boyfriend was acting in more of a Father role.

You need to have a word and tell your boyfriend that you're sorry if you've upset him, you didn't think anything about this other than it was a nice gesture for your son to want to make and that you thought he'd be pleased that the lad wanted to show how much he liked him. Tell him it's no big deal but your son wanted to do something else and could he please just play along in order not to hurt him.

Stephb1986_2

I think he's out of order how dare he!!! what a sh it! I'd get rid of him straight away without another thought.

I've got a step dad I've lived with him since I was 10 I'm now 23 every year I get him a card and a present and not once has he ever treated me different from his own kid he has never said that he doesn't want anything off me because I'm not his.

This has seriously disgusted me I don't know how you can stay with someone that can't accpet a card off your son, he is a child !!!!!!!!! He ought to grow up and behave himself.

What happens in the future if you decide to marry this chump is he going to accept your child as his?? because from where I'm sittting it doesn't look like it.

I wouldn't bother giving him the steam off my pi ss

why are you lot feeling sorry for him I don't know he's just rejected a child and your more bothered about some grown mans feelings! He knew 2 years ago that she has a kids he's had plenty of time to get use to the idea.

It says more about him than her

Morgan_Ree

Oh my god I'm actually shocked :eek:

You're OH is acting like a pathetic little boy. My god I would have hit the roof if it was me he'd phoned.
He should be touched your boy thinks so highly of him.

Your poor DS. He has no idea does he. I hope your OH's acting skills are up to scratch for when he gets the next card.

aliasojo

Stephb1986 wrote: »

I think he's out of order how dare he!!! what a sh it! I'd get rid of him straight away without another thought.

I've got a step dad I've lived with him since I was 10 I'm now 23 every year I get him a card and a present and not once has he ever treated me different from his own kid he has never said that he doesn't want anything off me because I'm not his.


why are you lot feeling sorry for him I don't know he's just rejected a child and your more bothered about some grown mans feelings! He knew 2 years ago that she has a kids he's had plenty of time to get use to the idea.

Look at this through less emotional eyes.

This man is only a boyfriend. He does not live with them. He interacts with the lad in a 'pals' role at the moment. Getting a Father's Day card has changed the goalposts in his eyes. That can be a shock especially if there has been no conversation or warning about it beforehand.

He has not rejected this child, he is simply feeling uncomfortable right now and probably a bit pressured.

Good relationships are made over time with all parties being equally valued. Riding rough shod over someones feelings just because you don't agree they should have those feelings is not what it's all about. He is entitled to feel any way he wants, the only possible problem is how he makes the boy feel as a result, and to be fair, he's already told the Mum of his feelings, he has said nothing to the lad.

Stephb1986_2

aliasojo wrote: »

He has not rejected this child, he is simply feeling uncomfortable right now and probably a bit pressured.

Poor him eh!

This kid wanted to do something nice for him and he's basically thrown it back in his face without him knowing about it. How hurt would he be if he found out? He is a child he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

The OP's boyfriend should be ashamed of himself

mad_as_a_march_hare

Thanks for all your replies.

I seem to have started some big debate now.

Just to add, we don't live together properly, but me and DS stay there every weekend.

He adores DS and only a few weeks ago after he had told him off for something, asked me if i thought he was being harsh, i said no and his reply was that he treats him they way he would treat him if he was his son.


I just think he was a little shocked by it arriving through the post, i think he thought it was a little unpersonal by DS not giving it to him himself, he doesn't know that DS actually has another card for him.

samandona

aliasojo wrote: »

This man is only a boyfriend. He does not live with them. He interacts with the lad in a 'pals' role at the moment. Getting a Father's Day card has changed the goalposts in his eyes. That can be a shock especially if there has been no conversation or warning about it beforehand.

I think you have assumed alot about this situation. Unless I am mistaken and you are the 'BF' OP is refering to, you're way off the mark with your comments.