Fathers Day - Have i done wrong.

Stephb1986_2

gonzo127 wrote: »

just deleted what i had written here as i realised i had mis-read something

to be honest it still seems a bit of a knee jerk reaction to me and something that will be sorted out given a little bit of time to cool of and a talk about why it upset him.

i really think all the people talking about dumping him and how horible he is etc etc really need to get down of their high horses and turn it around a little bit.

yes it was a really nice thought of the DS and i personally would have been over the moon.

however it could have come as a massive shock to him, as he might never have thought of himself as a 'Dad'. and more of just the mums boyfriend

add that on to the fact that not long ago the OP told him to treat the DS as if he was his son and then gets a fathers day card

he could quite easily feel that he is being pushed into being the childs father and his reaction was simply a push back against it which is a perfectly normal reaction for most people

i really do wonder how some people manage to have relationships when it appears so many peoples initial reactions to a rant and knee jurk over reactions is to dump someone or start to consider if they should dump them instead of talking it through with them as to why they reacted in that way

But surely after 2 years he would of got use the idea that he's in this kids life.

It's not like they've only just met is it! This isn't a overnight revalation that she has a kid is it??

gonzo127

very true but i think its a whole different ball game being in his life as mums boyfriend and being in his life as a dad

although you would hope he might have realise after so long it is one and the same no matter how you want to perceive it.

all i am saying is from my reading of the situation it sounds like a knee jerk reaction to a bit of a shocked realisation that he is becoming dad, and that before any of the 'dump him hes not worth it' thoughts come into the equation the OP really should let him cool off and talk to him about why he is upset about what has happened, and that once she has found out what the problem is then re-evaluate the situation including that knowlege

brians_daughter

TBH i can see both sides here, as i have been there (well, not the reaction- but the situ ie long term relationship, kids and not living together) My oh didnt see himself as a father to my eldest until we moved in together, he took him on days out alone, adored him, took him the football matches home and away - often involving over night stays etc but only saw him as 'his' iykwim once we moved in together. Before that he saw him in a much loved nephew kinda way. I was the same with his daughter.

We had the conversation when we discussed living together (after 4 years together!) and once we made that commitment he bacame 'Dad' even tho ds doesnt call him Dad.

If i had done what op had (even tho its such a wonderful thought) he would've freaked. It would have been due to how he feels about my son, it wouldnt been because he didnt love him. It would be down to the fact that even tho he did dad things with him and repremanded him when needed he didnt 'see' himself as Dad at that point. It would have been a bolt from the blue, and the realisation that this boy loves him like a dad that would have freaked him out - same if his kids had done it with me prior to moving in together. When we moved in i got 'you are like a mum to us' card and he a 'you are like a dad to me' card.

Prior to us moving in together i would have felt strange if his kids sent a mothers day card to me, i too would feel like the kids should be lavishing their attentions on their mother on mothers day. As i say, when we moved in together i had mentally made the transition so it was reality that i was responsible for his kids

Now, if he doesnt have kids already, as op has said, i can imagine this being one hell of a scary time for him. Not because he doesnt love the boy - but beause mentally he wasnt quite there yet.

I can see both sides, and i think op has made the bf think of things in a new light without much time for gradual thought

Anyway, op i would speak to oh and expalin your child has bought him a gift and card for Sunday and that you expect him to show how happy he is. I am sure taht once the initial shock wears off he will be a proud man to think your son thinks of him this way

brians_daughter

Stephb1986 wrote: »

It's not like they've only just met is it! This isn't a overnight revalation that she has a kid is it??

No, it isnt - however, it is an overnight revalation that the child holds him in such high thought - being a Dad - a whole new level of commitment and love is being presented along with his gas bill!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Do you want to be in a position in two years' time when he turns around and says 'well, it's not my kid, is it?'.

Going radio rental over a card suggests to me that your DS is an inconvenient addition that he can get along with but only because he has to. He's not going to be going to school plays, parents' evenings, etc, etc, if he doesn't see himself as like a father.

A quick telephone call to clarify things should sort this out. And a clearly stated ship up or we ship out might remind him that he isn't really a single bloke playing like a favourite uncle with a child, but that he is becoming the primary male role model in the boy's life. If he realises what's at stake, he could turn this around. If not, at least your son isn't feeling abandoned at 14, when it is far more likely he will react badly.

gonzo127

brians_daughter wrote: »

No, it isnt - however, it is an overnight revalation that the child holds him in such high thought - being a Dad - a whole new level of commitment and love is being presented along with his gas bill!

that just made me smile as i could imagine the sceen

junk mail
junk mail
newspaper
i am now a dad to someone
gas bill

wait !!!!!! Im now a dad???

tanmu

I think you need to have a chat with OH about where he sees your future going. If he wants to be with you then he has to realise that you come as a package and that your son is obviously going to look up to him as a father figure - especially as he sees him more than he does his biological dad. If he feels he can discipline your son then that sends a strong message to your son about his role in his life.

I don't think you should be rash and dump him, but you need to know what his intentions are for the long term and he needs to know that any future with you involves him taking on a father's role. Your son is a non-negotiable part of the deal. End of.

mad_as_a_march_hare

Thanks for all the replies, We shall be going later on today, and i will have a talk with OH, oh no maybe i won't tonight as it's the footy.

I suppose it was just me that was completely thrown by the reaction, he knows we come as a package and has spent so much time with DS, he taught him to ride his bike, he always juggles his work diary to attend parent evenings and medical appointments, he has taught him some fantastic cooking skills and more importantly he has taught me how to let go and not wrap my son in cotton wool.

So i shall not be dumping him, and i know we will talk about it and iron it out as he always speaks his mind and tells me if i'm wrong. so i will get to the bottom of why the reaction was the way it was.

redstararnie76

TBH I would just try and start the conversation calmly and rationally. I don't think you really know why he has reacted the way he has (sorry, but that is how it sounds). As I'm sure you're aware as a Mum, anything to do with kids and our parental feelings can be emotional and sometimes irrational, and I'm sure that suddenly becoming a second 'dad' or 'like a dad', must be really emotional and you need to really understand how he feels - it may be that he simply hasn't thought of himself that way, or he may be worried that he's usurping your son's biological dad, he may have issues around parenthood, or he may simply not be ready for that relationship (or it may be a shock which will just take a little time to come to terms with). Don't jump to any assumptions until after that conversation, then you can assess the situation.
Good luck with your talk, I really hope it can be solved easily and painlessly.

zirithium

Disgusting. Your poor son, i would imagine, would be horrified if he knew. Sorry OP but what a drama queen that man sounds like.