CSA Re-assessment Advice

chriszzz

PinkLady2010 wrote: »

Hi Guys

Need some advice.

My husband (before I met him) had a one week relationship and a month later she told him she was pregnant.
He told her he wanted her to have a abortion and wanted nothing to do with her anymore. Well she didn't have one. I don't know all the ins and outs but think it got a bit messy because she wanted him and to have the baby then out of spite when the child was born she contacted the CSA.
I think the process went on for months and months and after paternity tests etc he was deemed the father and was forced to fill in CSA forms.
As he was only a young boy at the time he was not working so he had a nil assessment of the basic £5pw. This was back in about 1999. He moved out of the area and he said he paid the £5 a week for a couple of years then stopped paying it. He was living abroad for a bit of time since then.

He has never seen the child, he was told from an old friend that she had a girl but he does not know her name or date of birth or even where she is or has been living.
Well.........................10+ years later (last month) we get a letter on the door asking for a re-assessment.
My question is seeing as he has never had any involvment with this child can he wavier all rights so he does not have to pay any maintenenace?
He is on a really good job now, and we now have a young family of our own. We have just brought a new house and as it is for everyone things are pretty tight as they are.
I just feel it is so unfair that he should be made to pay when he said from day one he wanted no involvment and did not want this child. And before anyone says well its his own silly mistake, yes it was I agree! But he was a very young boy, should he be made to pay for the rest of his life?

Advice would be appreciated so we know what to go back to the CSA with. He is also on the old pre 2003 system.

In this senario I dont think any man should trust any woman when they say they are taking the pill, women are also responsible for contraception but am sorry boys but if you dont take precaution you have to take responsibility.

Money seems to be the most paramount in a childs life on this thread, well in my eyes its not the most paramount there are two men here who dont want anything to do with the child that they have created and made to pay for the rest of their lives....Oh please....how can anyone consider the man over the child, you men should be ashamed of yourselves, you have to pay csa wether you like it or not.

Its as almost like the men here are the victims. What about these children? How do you think its going to effect them when they are older? They are your children, just like the ones you have got now, so you dont mind giving your all to the children you have with your new partners and yet you have got this other child who you look down on ,your suppose to be parents how can you treat one child with love and treat the other child like its a bad germ throw some money its way and youve done your bit. You shouldnt go on to having other children if you carnt love them all the same.

RedSky

PinkLady, I agree that this particular situation can be viewed as unfair.

When facing the financial responsibilities of a divorce at least both parties had previously declared their 100% commitment to provide future support to each other in sickness and in health. For unplanned pregnancies outside of marriage neither party is officially asked to declare their lifelong parental commitment before raising that child. Surely a commitment to support a child is just as important, if not more, than marriage.

Apparently "planting his seed" whether planned or unplaned and whether by mistake, by deception, by accident, by failure or whatever, was his declaration that he fully supported all views and decisions with regards to raising that child that the mother will now make. The mother may not have planned the pregnancy either but as they were not married she automatically has sole parental responsibility and, near enough, an automatic right to make the decisions that will now affect all their lives.

If the mother wants to abort, the father cannot prevent her.
If the mother wants to give up the child for adoption, the father has little alternative.
If the mother wants to raise that child, the father cannot choose otherwise.
If the mother chooses she does not want the father in their lives, the father has little choice.
If the father chooses he wants to provide full parental support to that child, the mother can choose that his only involvement will be financial.

The unmarried father's responsibility is now dictated to him by our legal system and the choices made by the mother, regardless if he wants more or less. He has no other alternative either way. Your husband has obviously proved himself as a responsible father to you given your young family but regards to his previous one week relationship he will be classed by many as irresponsible and must pay accordingly. Perhaps the answer is for everyone to not have sex before marriage, which I am sure no one on this forum is guilty of apart from all the disgruntled NRPs who begrudge paying money to support their children.

As stated by others he has no choice but to pay a percentage of his earnings/lifestyle to support that child. He is now classified as an NRP and has to face all the complications that come with it.

mum24boys

This is exactly why iv never post on here. You are all so scary.
We would love too see that child but PWC lives next door to her ex,s mum. They already have threatened to burn his dad house down, im not joking when i said they were complete nutters. How will that help that child every time he is picked up or dropped off there is abuse screamed at you or threatened to be whacked or phone call says they know where you live or living in fear that petrol is going to be poured through the letter box. Would you allow your children to live like that. I think not. We will not allow the other child to live like that either he deserves better. He will have the situation explained to him and if he wants to, he will be welcomed into our family but its not safe to do that now.
My husband is not a victim and i have not painted him as one, he is a good man who pays his child support as asked every month we cleared the arrears in 1 go so its not like he is not committed to providing for him. We also have a acc with some money saving for him for his future so dont judge us.
It is such crap a woman if she does not want to be a parent they have a termination and that fine, her choice. A man does not want to become a parent then he is the biggest scum bag going. I just hope you have not got a son who could well find himself in this position and when your the other side of the fence it will be completely different story.

Im not posting on here again. The 1 and only time i do i get slated just like the op. Iv been reading threads on here for a while and its always the same NRP are lowest of the low whatever the circumstances.

This forum should have sign on top say child support PWC need only ask for advice.

To op i would find somewhere else for your advice cause you will just get slated here.

Soubrette

RedSky wrote: »

Apparently "planting his seed" whether planned or unplaned and whether by mistake, by deception, by accident, by failure or whatever, was his declaration that he fully supported all views and decisions with regards to raising that child that the mother will now make.

A more accurate assessment would be that by planting his seed, he accepts the risk that there may be an unplanned pregnancy. Same risk the woman takes. You can minimise the risk but it's always there.

No one says this is fair, we all make mistakes but they often have consequences - even for the woman.

Sou

Soubrette

mum24boys wrote: »

It is such crap a woman if she does not want to be a parent they have a termination and that fine, her choice. .

Not all women feel they have this choice.

If I had sons I'd be telling them not to trust someone they didn't know with contraception.

As I have daughters, I'd rather they were on the pill and used condoms, I wouldn't trust a vague acquaintance regarding STDs either.

If they make a mistake then I'll support them and try and work it out - not ignore it.

I can't say I disagree with anything you've said in your post really. Your husband made a mistake and he's faced up to it. You can't say fairer than that.

Sou

Soubrette

mum24boys wrote: »

This forum should have sign on top say child support PWC need only ask for advice.

Here's a few threads to read to balance out your opinion

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2472265

NRP asking how to minimise child maintenance payments.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2506799

NRP asking how to spread out arrears - at least two of the helpful posters are PWCs

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2502595

NRP worried that case hasn't actually been closed

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2492943

Tribunal from an NRPs pov

Got a bit bored looking but none of the above as far as I can see was only about PWCs looking for help

Sou

Thriftysaver

Mum24boys, I am a mother to 5 sons, a PWC and an NRPP. You will get great support from https://www.afairercsaforall.co.uk. You are not judged on there and you can speak to people who are in the same predicament. HTH.

Thriftysaver

RedSky

Soubrette wrote: »

A more accurate assessment would be that by planting his seed, he accepts the risk that there may be an unplanned pregnancy. Same risk the woman takes. You can minimise the risk but it's always there.

Both take the risk, only one can choose the future.

clearingout

been thinking about this....surely this is about the rights of the child to know their father and not the father's right to decide who he would like to parent and who he wouldn't? Your children have a half sibling. What are THEIR rights to know this child, as siblings really should know each other, shouldn't they? What are you going to tell your children in the future - daddy cares about them but not their half-sibling? I know I wouldn't want to answer those questions!

if your husband loves the children he now has with you, surely that would push some buttons and make him wonder about the other child? wouldn't having other children bring to the forefront some kind of emotion about the 'lost' child? I realise the circumstances of the conception were far from perfect but surely, surely, surely this 'lost' child must mean something to this man?

Seriously, original poster, you have some big questions to be asking yourself. Do you really want to be with a man prepared to abandon all responsiblity towards a child he created? Many of us on here mop up the mess left behind when our ex's disappear off with their new families, forgetting their children and putting someone else's first. When your husband gets that knock on the door (as one day he surely will), I hope you are both comfortable with your actions. More importantly, I sincerely hope you never experience the pain of a marriage breakdown and have to go through even half of what some of us have gone through on here - I don't know how you'd manage.

I wish you and your family well and I apologise if this has offended you. It is a strongly emotive subject which I am sure you can appreciate.

Soubrette

RedSky wrote: »

Both take the risk, only one can choose the future.

As I said before - some women don't feel they have a choice either.

However, are you seriously suggesting that men should have a say? Over what is happening to someone else's body? Should women decide that no, they don't want children so their bloke should be sterilised?

I certainly don't think it's fair but I think it's the best of a bad set of choices. What I'm saying is that nothing else seems more fair though.

Sou