Hair Cut, pierced ears and parental responsibilities

kutsu119

Maggied is the only sensible poster in not only this thread, but the whole damn sub-forum.

Battery, jesus, get a life. YOU'VE ATTACKED HER HAIR YOU MONSTER.

needtovent

January20 wrote: »

It might just be a haircut now. But what will it be in the future that the ex and his (then) wife will object to: her clothes? her hobbies? her friends? her aspirations for the future? What will it lead to if she really doesn't want to have her hair cut and nobody listens to her? How will it affect her as she grows into a teenager and a young woman? How will she cope if she feels criticised and judged by her father?

But is it really just about a haircut? In my opinion, it's not. It's about a little girl being a pawn. Dad and fiancee want a beautiful wedding and they don't really care about the little girl's feelings as long as she looks good enough to be their bridesmaid! Fiancee wants her own way and probably thinks that the mum is a pain in the bum. Otherwise, Dad and fiancee would listen to the little girl.

Let's turn it on its head.
Just suppose that the little girl wants her hair cut/trimmed. Just suppose it's mummy who won't let her because mummy likes it long. How about if the child has asked for it to be cut/trimmed and mummy is vetoing what the child wants. The child could be being used as a pawn but what if it's her mummy doing this so as to exercise control.
Then let's suppose mummy chats with child and child is actually scared of her mummy (as opposed to future step mum) and feels obliged to fib and say she doesn't want it cut-coz she knows mummy will be cross with her coz mummy wants it long.
Or is it cast in stone that step mummies are evil witches and no one could possibly blog on here a distorted story just to court support to a delusional idea?
As a step mum and a mum I've seen both sides of this kind of thing and there are merits on both sides, the problem with these forums is we only get one side and some people jump on the band wagon and some of us play devils advocate just to show there are 2 sides to every story. It's just a shame the OPs nemesis (wicked harridan-however you want to refer to childs future step mum) isn't here now saying what the other sides version of events are.
Hope you get it sorted OP-as an aside-why have you deleted your posts? is it sorted now? I hope you manage to sort this to the satisfaction of all parties-particularly your daughter

Fang_3

meritaten wrote: »

and why would you disbelieve the OP who hasnt even made it a main point of her post? its ME who is bringing up the fact that in her original post her daughter says that dads fiance 'shouts' at her. OP has seemed to ignore that.

Good, step away!


????? and your point is??????????????????????? why is it disparaging to call someone 'wife'?

hope you are several steps away by now as I find your posts incomprehensable.

You haven't a clue have you? I note that once again you refuse to answer all the questions in favour of a slew of exclamation marks.:)

maggied_2

Fang wrote: »

You haven't a clue have you? I note that once again you refuse to answer all the questions in favour of a slew of exclamation marks.:)

It's the visual equivalent of being screamed at by a stranger on public transport.

beks

maggied wrote: »

Why isn't her ex important? He's her father. 'All nice and civilised'? It's his wedding - of course his daughter should be there. Fathers do not have to disappear into the background when a relationship breaks down. Why so disparaging towards his fiancee? (you called her 'wife').

This isn't about who sets the rules. Why are the mother's wishes more important than the father's?

If you follow this advice OP then please be prepared for the question when she's a a bit older "why wasn't I a bridesmaid at daddy's wedding" you can tell her it was all over a haircut. I'm sure she'll understand.

As for the shouting - I don't buy this for a minute. So the man you thought was good enough to bring a child into the world with is suddenly such a bad father that he wants to chop his daughter's hair off against her will and turns a blind eye to his fiancee being horrible to her?

I think I've contributed enough towards this thread and am pleased to be stepping away from Hysterical Over-Reactors' corner.

Oh, how I wish I could thank this post 1000 times.

I just cannot believe how much people over-react when it comes to fathers and step mothers .... reading too much Cinderella maybe??!!!

meritaten

Fang wrote: »

You haven't a clue have you? I note that once again you refuse to answer all the questions in favour of a slew of exclamation marks.:)

Fang - told you before and i will tell you again. If I want to use exclamation marks I will!

You have had a couple of threads shut down now because of your abusive posts, and you seem to have targeted either me or another poster to direct your abuse at. you wont have chance with this thread as this is my last post here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fang_3

meritaten wrote: »

Fang - told you before and i will tell you again. If I want to use exclamation marks I will!

You have had a couple of threads shut down now because of your abusive posts, and you seem to have targeted either me or another poster to direct your abuse at. you wont have chance with this thread as this is my last post here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Name them. And calm down. Think of your blood pressure.

January20

needtovent wrote: »

Let's turn it on its head.
Just suppose that the little girl wants her hair cut/trimmed. Just suppose it's mummy who won't let her because mummy likes it long. How about if the child has asked for it to be cut/trimmed and mummy is vetoing what the child wants. The child could be being used as a pawn but what if it's her mummy doing this so as to exercise control.
Then let's suppose mummy chats with child and child is actually scared of her mummy (as opposed to future step mum) and feels obliged to fib and say she doesn't want it cut-coz she knows mummy will be cross with her coz mummy wants it long.
Or is it cast in stone that step mummies are evil witches and no one could possibly blog on here a distorted story just to court support to a delusional idea?
As a step mum and a mum I've seen both sides of this kind of thing and there are merits on both sides, the problem with these forums is we only get one side and some people jump on the band wagon and some of us play devils advocate just to show there are 2 sides to every story. It's just a shame the OPs nemesis (wicked harridan-however you want to refer to childs future step mum) isn't here now saying what the other sides version of events are.
Hope you get it sorted OP-as an aside-why have you deleted your posts? is it sorted now? I hope you manage to sort this to the satisfaction of all parties-particularly your daughter

Oh I totally agree with you! It's all completely possible. We don't know any of the parties involved in this story and have only the OP's side of the story. And I will admit to my judgment being obviously clouded by my own experience, or rather my own dd's experience.

I think caution is required here for the wellbeing of the little girl and for how future decisions about her are made. She could face years of being stuck between her father and his wife, and her mother. This is why I think the suggestion of Mum, Dad and little girl getting together to have a sensible and honest decision is the best one yet. And both parents should reassure the little girl that whatever she decides is fine and no-one will hold it against her. As I said, she is a pawn in this situation.

(by the way, not meaning to be patronising, but thank you for arguing against my point in a very polite and mature manner - it's so refreshing!)

maggied_2

January20 - I think we're all coloured by our own experiences I know I may have seemed a little hard on here but I would like to challange the assertion that the mother always knows best and the father is always going to be in the wrong.

I'm rather biased, but in our set up my OH is such a great dad - he's endured years of emotional blackmail and interference from his ex and never once given up seeing his DD when so many others would have walked away. I've never once heard him utter a negative word about his X in front of his DD. The X on the other hand is quite honestly one of the most vicious human beings I've encountered (and I'm honestly NOT saying that just because she's the X - she's actually well renowed round here! I've not lived here long - it's quite a small rural type place and when I meet people and they find out who my OH is they say, without fail, "Oh God you poor thing, I bet you get some right **** from ****"). It would be funny if it wasn't depressing.

Were she the father, given some of the dreadful things she's done, she'd be lucky to get overnight contact; but because she's the mother she's the PWC and holds all the cards. Well, she did until OH took her to court, but still.

Regarding step mothers - us wicked women who swoop in and 'take over' - I'll admit there are some bad ones but I also think that's just because there are some bad people. SMs are expected to treat a child as their own but not get involved in decisions. You think you have to bite your tongue a lot when you're a separated parent? If I bit my tongue any more I'd go through it. If the set up is as hostile as ours you have to do your level best while the X constantly undermines you and also makes the child feel guilty about enjoying themselves at your house. You cannot ever, ever make bad parenting decisions.

Taking on a man with a child was something I gave a huge amount of thought to - you don't just take him on, you take on the X and all their history too! Most of us are doing our best and are not interested in using the child to our own ends - we just want to be happy with our partner and that involves making a child happy too.

andyrules

The op's post has disappeared, but I gather new gf wants child's hair cut to look glam for wedding?

First, it is person with pr that makes such decisions re hair cuts and ear piercings. So I guess that is mum and dad, not gf.

I would worry about motive here - is gf so paranoid about an aesthetically perfect wedding that she would want to cut a child's long hair, knowing that it is likely to cause an issue? Child can look gorgeous in a pretty frock and curled hair, maybe with some flowers in it. Or is it that she wants to wield a bit of power? A child will often say what they think the adult wants to hear, so in this case it may be difficult to ascertain her wishes regarding HER hair.

I feel sorry for the kid! If she doesn't want it cut, then she is going to be afraid that she is not pleasing dad, if she complies (and should she do so reluctantly?) then she upsets mum.

GF should start making more of an effort to fit in with the child/dad/child's family and think less of whether child's appearance doesn't please her.