Hair Cut, pierced ears and parental responsibilities

duchy

I'd talk to her Dad -it is entirely possible his new bride is playing the Bridezilla wanting the bridesmaids to all look the same and he doesn't see it as a big thing (He's a man -often until it's pointed out they don't see WHY women get upset about certain things like hair-it simply doesn't occur to them)

I'd ask him to meet you and your daughter somewhere neutral for a cup of tea and let her tell him how she feels. He probably doesn't have any idea that she's too intimidated to tell him with the fiancee around.

galvanizersbaby

shellsuit wrote: »

A compromise is needed.

If Dad wants it cutting and you don't, what about meeting half way, so if her hair is down to her bum, have it cut to the middle of her back? (Around where a bra/bikini strap would sit)

I don't think a letter is any good when it can just get laughed at and tossed into the bin.

I'd go and see them face to face about it, take your daughter with you, and come to some arrangement, one that you are all happy with, daughter included.

If they just want the hair cutting for the wedding, simply because it would be easier to put up or style for example, then that is out of order.

When it comes to DD's hair I know dad and fiancee find it a struggle DD comes to me every school morning and I do her hair before I take her.
But luckily DD can now brush her hair herself and do a ponytail which she is proud of

Ex's fiancee's DD has quite short hair and a huge fringe and in the past she has commented that it's a lot easier to manage than DD's which I can understand.

I did have a nightmare once that DD came back with a very large fringe but her dad would not allow that to happen without discussing with me first.

I guess it's good that we do consult each other - but I guess there are some thing's you just have to except when a child is growing up with 2 sets of parents

galvanizersbaby

Caroline73 wrote: »

I'm confused. If at 7 she is old enough to decide how she wants her hair, how she isn't old enough to make the decision about ear piercing?

Has anyone asked the daughter in the prescence of both parents (dad's fiancee not around). My son always used to tell myself and my ex what he thought we wanted to hear, so in the end we had to ask him everything in front of both of us.

I think the ear piercing thing is an interesting one - I'm not sure personally that at 7 a child is old enough to decide they would like their ears pierced (think most reputable piercers require parental consent)

I think expressing an opinion about how they would like to wear their hair at that age and having a part of your body pierced are very different.

delain

My ex mil took my girls out for a trim the other week, and my twins came back with a fringe :mad: :mad: they have quite fine wispy hair which they get from their dad's side and it had taken YEARS to grow the last one out so they could tuck it behind their ears. I was furious. Thing is, usually I go with them and every time ex mil hears me say no fringes, no cutting at the front absolutely NOT and the woman still doesn't listen. They came home looking like it has been cut around a bowl. DD1 looks fine, she had hers cut into a shoulder length bob which suits her so they just trim it back to that.

What the woman fails to grasp is that although she thinks they 'look cute' with a fringe, it then needs cutting all the time or another 2 years to grow it out, and I need to tie it up for school and the more of it is tied back, the less often they get nits. I did aske her if she wanted to come and spend hours combing it next time and surprisingly she said no :eek:

That's one example of how people just plough ahead without thinking about the mum's wishes

Fom the other side, my DSD is 8 and has really thick hair down to her bum and it has to be plaited all the time. Now I like little girls with long hair, but imo her hair is a bit of a bind as it is so long she can never wear it down which sort of defeats the point for me!

But, I would never, EVER take it upon myself to push this opinion on to her or her mum (who I have always got on well with, I knew her and OH before they split and have known DSD since she was one) and if OH and I were to get married she would be a bridesmaid and have her hair styled in accordance with the length it is. That's what you do in a step family.

If she wanted it cut, I would say to her mum that we were going to do hairdo's on x day and she'd be fully included and get to be involved in the decision as to whether she had an inch off the end or a full on cut. DSD would certainly be asked, anyway in case she felt left out but wouldn't be under any pressure to be changed at all.

I think you and your ex need to get together with your DD on your own, as already said. At least that way you will find out what she really wants!

Asharma

if your daughters to scared maybe its best if u go with her one day and actually raise this issue face to face, say thats shes scared and doesnt want it done. and if they continue to insist on it tell them that if they do it there will be a court battle as everybody, you and them have to do your best to keep you daughter happy, and they cant obide by that then you wont stand for it.

bestpud

I'm afraid nobody is thinking of the child here.

In the one hand she wants it kept long and her wishes matter but on the other hand she is too young to make that decision...

Hmmm, just who is this argument really about?

The adults involved need to grow up and realise a 7 year old is quite capable of making up her own mind and also cleverly manipulating situations to her advantage. For all you know, op, she is telling them she wants it cut but can't because you will shout at her!

I hate to see children being used as pawns like this and it is even more grating when parents can't see what they are doing!

bestpud

Asharma wrote: »

if your daughters to scared maybe its best if u go with her one day and actually raise this issue face to face, say thats shes scared and doesnt want it done. and if they continue to insist on it tell them that if they do it there will be a court battle as everybody, you and them have to do your best to keep you daughter happy, and they cant obide by that then you wont stand for it.

Yes, I agree - the best way of finding out is to discuss hair styles between all of you, including your dd. If you are all relaxed and approach it as a pre-wedding style session, you should be able to find out what she truly feels.

However, if you think you may start bickering like children then maybe not! :cool:

maggied_2

duchy wrote: »

I'd talk to her Dad -it is entirely possible his new bride is playing the Bridezilla wanting the bridesmaids to all look the same and he doesn't see it as a big thing (He's a man -often until it's pointed out they don't see WHY women get upset about certain things like hair-it simply doesn't occur to them)

I'd ask him to meet you and your daughter somewhere neutral for a cup of tea and let her tell him how she feels. He probably doesn't have any idea that she's too intimidated to tell him with the fiancee around.

Yep - because the new woman's always in the wrong isn't she?

It's also 'entirely possible' that the little girl has told her dad that she would like her hair cut and then told her mum that she doesn't. It happens quite a lot when a young child is just trying to please everyone.

"let her tell him how she feels" - fair enough, but be prepared for it to backfire - this happened to OH's X recently when she thought she'd prepped her DD for a 'decision'.

I totally disagree with getting the daughter to tell both parents what she wants - great, stick her in the middle of a petty adult arguement. The parents need to sort this out face to face and not in a bl00dy courtroom.

bestpud wrote: »

I'm afraid nobody is thinking of the child here.

In the one hand she wants it kept long and her wishes matter but on the other hand she is too young to make that decision...

Hmmm, just who is this argument really about?

The adults involved need to grow up and realise a 7 year old is quite capable of making up her own mind and also cleverly manipulating situations to her advantage. For all you know, op, she is telling them she wants it cut but can't because you will shout at her!

I hate to see children being used as pawns like this and it is even more grating when parents can't see what they are doing!

Wish I could thank you more than once for this

MarzipanFish

Definitely sounds like you all need to speak in person about it.

It's possible that the daughter really doesn't want her hair cut and was too scared to say so but i'm not sure. 7 year olds aren't so great at hiding their feelings that someone could think they want something done when they're so desperate to avoid it that it keeps them up all night.

It's also something to consider that DD does want her hair cut and has only started saying she was being made to because she saw how furious you were at the prospect of her having it done. She's growing up and might have been excited at the chance to have some control over her appearance especially if she knows you think she's too young to.

I think the letter is very over the top and too formal before you've tried talking face to face about it. I'd only send that if after she knows that neither you nor DD want her hair cutting she still says she will get it done.

Caroline73_2

maggied wrote: »

I totally disagree with getting the daughter to tell both parents what she wants - great, stick her in the middle of a petty adult arguement. The parents need to sort this out face to face and not in a bl00dy courtroom.

But if there is the possibility that the daughter maybe keeping both parents happy and the only way to find out how she wants her hair cut is to ask her then they have to get her to answer to both parents. If she isn't involved in the discussion. it will just end up 'but with she told me' and it won't get anywhere.

I agree it's a petty argument and getting solicitors and courts involved is totally pathetic. It's only hair and it will grow!