Hair Cut, pierced ears and parental responsibilities

maggied_2

Can I put a different twist on this?

OP - is it possible (and I only say this because my DSD has done the same) that your DD is saying this is all coming from 'new' girlfriend (but not so new that he's marrying her...) because you're clearly so upset about it that she's trying to keep you happy?

A sleepless night over a hair cut? Really? I think there's more to this frankly and you'd rather blame the 'new' girlfriend (shall we call her fiancee instead?).

You thought this man was good enough to have a child with but not to make decisions about a hair cut.

As for the pierced ears - have your ex and his fiancee forcibly pierced her ears or was that to make the title sound more dramatic?

I'm damn sure I'll get flamed for this but you sound a lot like someone I know....

And as for the comment from someone about cutting toenails.....jeeeeeez.

January20

beks wrote: »

Can people not just talk to each other these days??

You had a relationship with this man, just meet with him and discuss it face to face if it such a problem for you.
I am sure your dd is just agreeing with each different party as she doesn't want to upset anyone. And I am sure the 'new woman' in your ex's life is trying to please your daughter and make her excited about the wedding. I doubt very much that she is trying to cause problems.

You are BOTH her parents and have an EQUAL say as to bring her up in the way you see fit.

I would love to get my sds hair cut because it is long and messy (IMO) and she cries every time we go near her with a comb but I would never do anything without discussing it with her mother first. I know she wouldnt agree so would not even bring it up but, even so, if I felt as strongly as you do, then discussing it would be the way to go.

You said it: "had a relationship". First, there is a reason for this relationship to have broken up. That could explain why they can't agree on things.

Secondly, there is a new partner involved. My relationship with my ex started out very amicable and very civilised - until he had a new partner and then he changed. I became the enemy and the threat. I then realised he'd had an affair with this woman when we were still together and that's why she felt so threatened by me! And he couln't control me and couldn't cope with that.

OP, please be very careful with your daughter. My ex and his wife spent many years trying to change my daughter, to mould her into the little girl they wanted her to be: bought her clothes to wear at their house, perfume, make up, commented on and criticised everything. Trouble is she had her own strong personality. And ended up being a very torn little girl and later angry teenager.

Consequently, her relationship with her father has completely broken down. Recently, she said to me that she would start getting stressed about visiting her father up to 2 days before the visit. On the day, she would change her clothes 4 or 5 times in order to wear something that would be approved of by her father and his wife.

I would not necessarily believe the new woman is trying to please the little girl. She is probably concentrating on her wedding day and making it as nice as possible for herself. She could be bridezilla for all we know! The phrase taken from the OP's first post "I have told them this over the phone, and via text messages, but they say she will like it." makes me think they don't care about what anybody else wants except themselves.

If the little girl really doesn't want her hair cut, then I think you should do anything to stop them having her hair cut. I work with children. A 7 yo is perfectly able to have a say about their own appearance nowadays. You also have to set a precedent so that your daughter's wishes are listening to by all parties involved.

amandada

maggied wrote: »

Can I put a different twist on this?

OP - is it possible (and I only say this because my DSD has done the same) that your DD is saying this is all coming from 'new' girlfriend (but not so new that he's marrying her...) because you're clearly so upset about it that she's trying to keep you happy?

I have very long hair and if I was being forced into having it cut I'd be pretty damn upset too-and yes, maybe even a sleepless night

Caroline73_2

I'm confused. If at 7 she is old enough to decide how she wants her hair, how she isn't old enough to make the decision about ear piercing?

Has anyone asked the daughter in the prescence of both parents (dad's fiancee not around). My son always used to tell myself and my ex what he thought we wanted to hear, so in the end we had to ask him everything in front of both of us.

needtovent

I know the world's a big nasty place but some of you make it sound like the child is to be pinned down and made to have her hair cut!!!! Maybe when the child's father gets married there will be other bridesmaid(s) having her/their hair done-not cut short or shaved off-just pampered and put up/ curled/ whatever-if my child was a bridesmaid at a wedding and others were having their hair done it would not be unreasonable to expect that my child would feel left out if she did not have her hair done too-so just maybe this is being blown out of proportion-who knows.

SugarSpun

Fang wrote: »

The problem is that the person wanting it cut is the other parent. Ignoring the other partner for the moment, if her dad thought his daughter should have her hair cut and he was still married to the OP then there wouldn't really be a problem would there?

My mother had my hip-length hair cut to a chin-length bob when I was about eight, because she was sick of having to help wash it and brush it and braid it. I didn't want it done and cried the entire time, and my father was furiously angry.

It really does sound as though the new couple have decided on a way they want the little girl to look for the wedding without giving much consideration to her feelings about it or that the wedding is only one day and regrowing very long hair takes years. But I think asking the little girl in front of both parents (not the fiancee) is a sensible option. There's always the possibility that she doesn't want to disappoint anyone, and while the OP is raging about how inconsiderate her ex and his fiancee are, they're elsewhere raging about how she's blocking something the little girl seems really excited about.

pukkamum

My dad did exactly the same thing to my mum when i was 8.
He lived in america and he and his new wife came over to stay, they took us away for the weekend whereupon i told them how much i wanted my hair cutting (my hair was down to my bottom).
They took me to a salon and let me have a short crop!!!!!!!!!
Well you can imagine my mum's reaction she cried all day especially as they had been thoughtful enough to bring her my hacked off pony tail in a plastic bag!!!!!!!
But who was at fault?
I asked to have my hair cut they complied.
Are you absolutely sure she isn't tellling dad one thing and you another?

beks

maggied - I agree with your comments completely. Its funny how people see things from a different point of view when they have been in the position of the 'other side'.

If people are old enough to have children together, they should be grown up enough to talk to each other for the sake of their children and be able to agree to a compromise. I know things are not always straightforward when it comes to ex's and children but I think OP needs to get a little perpective, it is hardly crime of the century.

galvanizersbaby

OP - I think you should discuss face to face with your ex re the hair especially if your daughter is insistent that she doesn't want it cut.

I would not cut my DD's hair if she really did not want it cut.

It's interesting reading different viewpoints and from the other side etc..

I've had a few issues recently with DD - at the weekend she told me she did not want to wear her shoes anymore because ex's fiancee said they don't look very nice
I'm not sure what warranted this comment or why it was necessary to tell a 6 year old this - I mentioned it jokingly when I dropped DD off (she was wearing different shoes) and she confirmed what DD had said but didn't offer any other explanation other than that she dodn't think they looked very nice?!

I do get on ok with my ex's fiancee (she has 2 older children) but I have noticed lately that DD is informing me quite frequently of adult opinions - i.e. ex's fiancee says her friend isn't a very nice little girl, people with tattoo's are 'chav's':eek:
It's disgusting children having their ears pierced.

I try to just reaffirm what I tell DD - i.e. everyone has different tastes, it's rude to comment on what others are wearing etc...

I'm not sure that there is anything more I can do about it - other than making sure I don't have adult conversations in front of her myself but I don't like the fact she is being given these adult opinions but accept I can't change what my ex's fiancee discusses in front of her.

It is DS's birthday in October and he would like a mobile phone - I think at the age of 8 it is a no go but apparently her children were given them for their 8th's birthday.
I have discussed this with my ex and we have come to a joint decision that DS is too young so that is fortunate.

shellsuit

A compromise is needed.

If Dad wants it cutting and you don't, what about meeting half way, so if her hair is down to her bum, have it cut to the middle of her back? (Around where a bra/bikini strap would sit)

I don't think a letter is any good when it can just get laughed at and tossed into the bin.

I'd go and see them face to face about it, take your daughter with you, and come to some arrangement, one that you are all happy with, daughter included.

If they just want the hair cutting for the wedding, simply because it would be easier to put up or style for example, then that is out of order.