Weekly Flylady Thread 31st May 2010

rach

pigpen - i don't have any advice really except I think IIRC there were times we didn't want to see my dad and we didn't have to. And my parents were really good at never slagging each other off to us - something I really respect them for to this day. So stick with your guns and they are not stupid - they will know who to believe. xxx

hope greenbee's walk goes well tomorrow, glad it's you not me!!

toots - enjoy the retreat, how long is it for? what kind?

church in the morning for me and then going to look at some nursery stuff from a lady on netmums, then another lazy day I think. Hoping it is going to be cooler tomorrow. Need to locate some earplugs before bed so I can leave the window open!

Valli

pigpen wrote: »

Question for those who are separated from their childrens other parent..

ok so there may be more than 1.. I am compiling a list of requests.. and these are the ones I am stuck on..

1. What age are they 'old enough' to choose whether they go or not? (I was thinking maybe about 12)

2. Will the mediation/court take their wishes into account when it comes to access? (he has asked they stay over on school nights but none of them want that. They would like him to pick them up from school and bring them back at bedtime so they can go to school from here next day.. PITA for me but it is what they have asked for)

3. Can I stipulate he is NOT under any circumstances to discuss what goes on between us, or his feelings towards OH and I to the children, nor to tell them to be rude and horrible to us.. which of course gets them into trouble? I know it sounds petty but I don't slate him to them.. apart from occasionally DD1 who has very much made up her own mind about him. He is having them say horrible things I wouldn't dream of saying to them and stuff which quite frankly is totally out of order.. like I will hate them and not want them once Squeak arrives!! And they are not to do anything I or OH tell them.. which could potentially put them in danger.. crossing roads for example. And telling OH to 'get a job'.. despite the fact his woman doesn't work either!! Life isn't always that simple, is it? I am very close to saying unless he cankeep his evil mouth shut he isn't having them.

If they are saying they don't want to go (and you know you haven't been poisoning their minds) then they should not be forced. But the absent parent needs to respect their choice and make an effort to rebuild their relationship- phone calls, being interested (but not nosey) and it IS the adults responsibility - he/she is the adult.

mediation/court will take their wishes into account if asked to...a female colleague of mine lost custody as her ex applied for it and the boys wanted to be with him and they got their wish. (There was more to this than meets the eye)

And yes, if you are concerned that ex is involving the children in inappropriate discussion and you have asked him not to do this and he has continued to do this then put it in the access order...
Make notes of what has been said to you by the kids, and when and take this with you/show solicitor as evidence of his inappropriate behaviour. Fortunately for me when I asked for the 'slagging off' (of me in front of our kids by him and his mother) it did stop - because I was the one they were complaining to ...Why does nana say you are...?

And ex husband if you are reading this what you say and what you do in front of your kids is remembered, hurts them and you may well lose them as they get older and are able to distance themselves from you. I know this because I ended up COMPLETELY estranged from my natural father and have half siblings I do not see. And I went to his funeral and it is the only funeral I have ever attended and not cried at and I am a complete jelly. Now what kind of a father would want his eldest daughter to hate him so much she could/would not even shed a tear.


And to any adult who wants a child to comply...
Children should NOT be coerced into complying with the wishes of adults if it makes them unhappy and invades their personal space. Whatever those adults are hoping the children will do. They have rights and they have the right to reject a relationship on any level. Shame on you if you bring a child to resent you so much they would choose not to have a relationship with you.

cyclingyorkie

well said Valli!

rach

ditto! :T:T:T

MrsChaos

Hex - well done, you must have worked non-stop!
carol - please don't feel that you can't come on here to rant/vent/get things off your chest. Hope things are better for you soon.
froddy - I could get used to these 'mice'. They are so cute. And well done for fitting so many fun things into your holiday. I need to learn from you. Note to self: use the information leaflet in the bathroom to plan some nice outings for DS2 and me during June/July. We don't do enough fun stuff together.
saver - that's an impressive list of jobs completed. Well done.
pigpen - sorry I can't help, but I believe you are thinking along the right lines, for what it's worth.
selina - sounds like you had a great week. Glad you managed to re-charge your batteries.
toots - if I miss you tomorrow, I hope you have the bestest time at the retreat.

In the end, rain stopped play here. Just as I went out to plant, it started. Then DS1 came home for tea and in the end it got a bit too late. I have watered plants and put DS2 to bed and I'm really too tired to tackle the documents I need to read for work. So I'll get myself a glass of something, grab my book and then have a snooze. I stupidly told DH that he wouldn't need his key, so I'll have to stay downstairs until he's back.

Good night, everyone.

pigpen

Valli.. thanks... I don't speak to my dad either.. he slated my mother something horrendous when they split up.. then he did the same when he left my stepmother.. so he knows what it is like to see other people doing it, he knows what damage it does long term. DD1 has JUST gone now.. but only because she is afraid she won't get her prom dress if she doesn't go.. I said she will get her prom dress whether he never gives us another penny or not.. I hate seeing them feel obliged to comply because they are too afraid to say no to him..

She is feeling very much like he has no interest in any of them I think..

Mine say stuff like that too Valli 'Dad says.... xxxxxxxx' ... My reply is usually.. 'tell dad to mind his own business!'

DD1 has just asked, for the first time in her life if she can have her ears pierced.. they are not alowed to were earrings, not even for the exams so I said no.. but Sshhh.. don't tell her, I was thinking of taking her as part of her birthday present anyway..

froddington

MrsChaos wrote: »

froddy - I could get used to these 'mice'. They are so cute. And well done for fitting so many fun things into your holiday. I need to learn from you. Note to self: use the information leaflet in the bathroom to plan some nice outings for DS2 and me during June/July. We don't do enough fun stuff together.

They are really cute and very funny to watch. The babbies eyes are just opening now and they are starting to move around more and their mummy keeps dragging them back to the nest and blocking them in :rotfl:They are learning to clean themselves but them fall over sometimes and end up flat on their backs! They are friendly, very clean and easy to tame. They can even be trained if you have the time and patience and can be litter trained too!!

I have done a few good things over the week but I've also had some lazy days. Unfortunately, I haven't done that much flying or planning so will pay for that tomorrow But at least I feel like I've had some time off work!

Toots, L-L and Diva - hugs and prayers for you all xxx

greenbee - hope it all goes well tomorrow x

carol - hugs x

valli - well said :T

Night all, sleep well xx

short_bird

froddington wrote: »

The baby ''mice'' are growing fast

last Saturday


tonight!

Although an infinite family of little cuties may seem like a good idea, especially ickle bitty furballs like those, are you planning on getting them er... "done"?

froddington

short_bird wrote: »

Although an infinite family of little cuties may seem like a good idea, especially ickle bitty furballs like those, are you planning on getting them er... "done"?

It's not an infinite family! And I have no intention of them having any more babies. I only have these four - mum, dad and the 2 babies - because the pet shop were not capable of sexing them correctly. I have 2 cages - at the moment, the dad is in one and mum is with the babies in the other. Once the babies are old enough to fend for themselves and for me to tell if they are boys or girls, they will go to the relevant cage. And no, I'm not getting them 'done' as it's a major op for a little animal and not something I need to put them through (assuming they'd survive it anyway!).

My dad bred many animals (including rats) in his time on the farm so I have been following his advice since the surprise discovery of the littlies!!

And I have no room for any more :rotfl:


I'm really off to bed now - honest!!

Valli

I thought the top pic was 'something and chips' Froddy. Gorgeous rats - I used to look after the rats we bred at school (ermfor dissection...) when I was at High School.

I smell nice now. I don't mind them smoking (their choice and I drink) but there was no getting away from it really...DD blenched when I walked in (and pre-ban I used to work in the Bingo so used to come home whiffy then) but I could not bear the thought of my bed reeking of it.

I once took my kids to a play opub and a dad was there, clearly on an access visit, with his three kids. How I stopped myself from going to him (next table to me) and giving him a piece of my mind I will never know...

because one-by-one he had his kids at the table and INTERROGATED them as to their mother's behaviour (I think there was a mum's boyfriend too, from what was said).

The message I took from that was that he didn't give a flying fig about his beautiful children but was clearly eaten up with bitterness and rage about his ex...

I have kept my opinion of their father from my kids. I have invited him into my home while he waits for them, and have invited him in with GF too.
And I have told him about DS's carelesness (re phones and memory sticks) so that DS can't get stuff off me then more stuff off his dad.

The worst thing exH did was to not see his kids when he was on the dole and had no money for petrol. I offered to take them over to his but he 'was not going to ask for any favours off me'...well who was being hurt? Not me - but his kids - DD especially, missed him dreadfully. DD was a daddy's girl up until then. After that she changed in her feelings towards him - so sad.