operation recovery

elantan

thanks all ... i dont think there really is anything to say ... it is how it is ... he has to make the changes but man it does really hurt ...

was reading some stuff on partners of alcoholics today... i have read stuff before and have found it doesnt apply to me ...i dont seem to fit the sterotypical partner of an alcoholic (hey i gotta be different dont i) anyhoo ... i went back and read some more today and whilst alot of it doesnt apply to me ... the recent changes in my husbands behaviour (brain damage starting to slowly take effect) have given me an insight as to what his future may be .... i did also notice parts of myself in the literature ... i noticed behaviours that i was starting to do ... and i thought i was right to do i thought i was doing the best thing .... but after reading that i have came to notice that no i am just in a strange way allowing him to be the one that dictates things ... by supporting him and by wanting to get him help and by sacrificing the rest of my relationship to try and get him the help he needs feeds his desire to be centre of attention ....

i am not doing that anymore ... i have put me first for a long long time and sometimes been made to feel guilty about it ... but tonight we went out for dinner and i said you know what i dont even want to talk about your problem for the rest of the night ... i dont want to be sitting here supporting you ... i dont want to be making suggestions and compromises ..., i want to be on a date .. i want to talk about fun things ... i am fed up of dealing with your rubbish ... and he sat there gob smacked ... took a minute to himself and said ok ... so we had half hour of peace from it all then i said oh i am working next week night shift and he replied .... oh i know you will be worried about me drinking ... to which i replied ... why ? why waste my time worrying about you and incidently i aint interested so ... night shift next week i have this report i need finished and i need to get some studying done but it is work and i havnt worked much since july ( i know i really am a lucky person) ... and totally changed the subject ... once again he was gobsmacked

so we came home and i went for a run on my treadmill and he fixed the wedding photo ... and you know what for the first time in over a week i feel happy ... i feel good and i feel as if i am actively doing something about his drinking ... i am not feeding into his addiction ...


just thought i would share

Karmacat

Not feeding into his addiction! Thats it, El, thats what keeps you sane, and keeps you being powerful for yourself, well done you. The psychological elements of addiction, especially alcohol addiction, are still bitterly fought over, but you're at the sharp end, and as far as your life and your relationship goes, what you say and think is what matters.

Happiness and feeling good. If your actions bring about feelings like that, then you're heading in the right direction, I would think.

Sleep well.

taxi73

ZTD wrote: »

Big hugs to you. I don't know what to say.

:grouphug:

:grouphug::grouphug:

The same here EL

elantan

well i have been sitting thinking the last few days about money ... i need to get myself financially in a good position so that when january rolls around i can have the strength to do what i need to ....

i know i cant afford to take on the house myself ... so i have a few options sell up (which is what i think i will have to do) or rent a room out ... i quite fancy renting a room out cause that way the mortgage will get paid and i will get to stay in the house .... which i have started to get organised with the garden etc .... the only problem with that one is i cant give hubby any money for his share ... which leads me back to the selling up situation .... its kinda annoying in a way either way i am going to have to move in with someone ... even if i sell up i will have to flat share as i cant afford a place on my own ( i only earn £750 a month) but if i rented out a room atleast i would be staying in my house where as staying with someone it is their house ... if that makes any sense

i will have to start thinking about selling all my stuff ... the stuff that is gonna be of no use to me in my new llife ... and there is loads .... do i start to sell this just now or wait till jan ? i cant decide .... also i need to cancel my pension ... do i do that just now or later ? i have loads of debt in my name ... we decided for some reason to put alot of the debt in my name (because it is me that deals with finance) so i need to get that as low as i can while i still can .... now i have the mobile phone contract that needs to get dealt with and the visa the over draft and some chairs from dfs ....

so alot of things to be decided upon ... no decisions have to be made just now .... but i do need to start thinking about these things so that when/if the time comes it wont be as stressful or as hard etc

Buffythedebtslayer

Hi El,

Just catching up, sounds rough, equally tho sounds like you have a plan. I don't have much experience of dealing with alcoholics but in terms of getting yourself sorted, selling anything before Christmas would be better, in Jan no one will have any money (well unless you want to sell your stuff to us Msers cos we will all be sensible about Christmas....cough). Pension leave it as long as you can and I would do all the quidco/clicks you can bear and pay it into a second account. And do pay down the debts, it sounds awfully tactless I know but almost behave as if he has already gone. I know that makes it sound like you have made the decision and you haven't but either way it makes a good start for which ever path you take.

Sorry I know you know all this, I just wish I had something useful to say or indeed a cure for your bloke.
In my thoughts El xxxx

hypno06

just a quickie because I need to get on with some work.

Firstly, no matter how hard you think it will be, financially, on your own, you will be able to manage. I am absolutely convinced of it. When OH left me, his first words were that he would have to rent a room or a bedsit because he wouldn't be able to afford anything else, but a bit of focus and careful searching got him a decent 2 bed flat in a good area, and in the last 8 months, he has even managed to buy a car and get savings behind him, and he earns not much more than you.....

You will be entitled to some financial assistance - now is the time to start enquiring about working tax credits, housing benefit and the like.

Start clearing out now - if you end up moving/selling, it will be a job already done, and if you end up staying, either with or without OH, it will be a very cleansing process anyway - decluttering is never a bad thing!

As Buffy says, start behaving in a way as though you are already on your own. Do the finances, your new SOA, do Mr Big's "bottom line" calculations etc, and really concentrate on it from now, not wait until January, or whenever.

Right, need to get back to work, will catch up again later. But before I go, I do just need to say that although I never asked to be in the situation I am in, it's not all bad, and I feel *lighter* than I have done for many many years, and not just in the way that shows on the scales. Hurt, anger, frustration - yes, of course I have experienced lots of those things, but I am now also able to experience being who *I* am, and it is not the same person that I evolved into over the previous 20 years.

xxx

elantan

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

Hi El,

Just catching up, sounds rough, equally tho sounds like you have a plan. I don't have much experience of dealing with alcoholics but in terms of getting yourself sorted, selling anything before Christmas would be better, in Jan no one will have any money (well unless you want to sell your stuff to us Msers cos we will all be sensible about Christmas....cough). Pension leave it as long as you can and I would do all the quidco/clicks you can bear and pay it into a second account. And do pay down the debts, it sounds awfully tactless I know but almost behave as if he has already gone. I know that makes it sound like you have made the decision and you haven't but either way it makes a good start for which ever path you take.

Sorry I know you know all this, I just wish I had something useful to say or indeed a cure for your bloke.
In my thoughts El xxxx

thanks buffy .... i think i have to start thinking this way though.... cause if i dont i will either find myself in january totally unprepared for what will need to happen .... or i will find myself stuck because i cant do what needs to happen .... due to financial constraints .... and that aint an option .... quidco clicks ... i ahvnt done them for so long now do they even still do them ? will need to check out the up your income board again me thinks ...

also think i will be doing the whole food budgetting etc .... might as well try and learn all this really really well while it is nt forced upon me rather than wait till i have no choice ....

i will always hope that hubby will sort his self out .... but i cant live my life waiting

elantan

hypno06 wrote: »

just a quickie because I need to get on with some work.

Firstly, no matter how hard you think it will be, financially, on your own, you will be able to manage. I am absolutely convinced of it. When OH left me, his first words were that he would have to rent a room or a bedsit because he wouldn't be able to afford anything else, but a bit of focus and careful searching got him a decent 2 bed flat in a good area, and in the last 8 months, he has even managed to buy a car and get savings behind him, and he earns not much more than you.....

You will be entitled to some financial assistance - now is the time to start enquiring about working tax credits, housing benefit and the like.

Start clearing out now - if you end up moving/selling, it will be a job already done, and if you end up staying, either with or without OH, it will be a very cleansing process anyway - decluttering is never a bad thing!

As Buffy says, start behaving in a way as though you are already on your own. Do the finances, your new SOA, do Mr Big's "bottom line" calculations etc, and really concentrate on it from now, not wait until January, or whenever.

Right, need to get back to work, will catch up again later. But before I go, I do just need to say that although I never asked to be in the situation I am in, it's not all bad, and I feel *lighter* than I have done for many many years, and not just in the way that shows on the scales. Hurt, anger, frustration - yes, of course I have experienced lots of those things, but I am now also able to experience being who *I* am, and it is not the same person that I evolved into over the previous 20 years.

xxx

will check out tax credits hypno thanks ... i think i need to work full time though to get them ... and i will go down that route if i have to

i have to admit whilst there is alot of me that is dreading life on my own there is also a huge part of me that is very excited about it all ....

If_My_Pennies_Were_Pounds

Hi El,

Sorry that things are tough at the moment, it kind of sounds like you have partly decided, not what you want to do, but what you need to do.

I don't have any advice or hints for you, but I really feel for you and know that we are all here as support for you.

:grouphug:

Pennies x

elantan

thanks pennies ... your right in many ways ....

hubby and i split last week but i allowed myself to be given till january to see if he can get control of his drinking .... you never know a miracle may happen .... but it hasnt happened in the last 5-6 years so i have no reason to believe it will happen now .... i can stay with the way things are ... and live with an alcoholic and slowly watch him kill himself or i can look after me.... hmmmm it isnt really a hard choice tbh