Elderly dad may be being conned

lynzpower

Ma_Boswell wrote: »

Am really touched by everyone's concern and kind advice - thanks to all of you. Think i might go with Janey3s advice as I have a son who lives in London and would be happy to come with me - then if it looks as dodgy as it seems we could escalate to escortg3s advice.KittyKate I am so sorry about your dad - my mum ( mum and dad are divorced) had a stroke some years ago, she manages brilliantly and fortunately I live very near so am on hand for the heavy shopping, bed making and trips to the vet ( she has two cats who loathe me). I have tried to talk to him gently about it and he seems to see my point but then carries on - he's an old-fashioned gentleman and thinks she's a damsel in distress!
You have all made me feel a lot better and given me something to get my teeth into instead of wondering what to do about it and getting nowhere ( I normally don't "do" helpless so it bothers me)

Sorry this does have scam written all over it i mafraid.
I used to work in London Social work and came accross many foreign nationals who come over on "student visas" to these weird fictional tpye colleges london seems to be full of ( you know the ones Oxbridge educational college above a block of shops in a v run down area, only foreign nationals seem to attend and the building definately doesnt look big enough to sit all the people who seem to queue up outside )

I worked with a jamaican national ( not to say anything about race here but this was fairly common on my caseload to be honest) who came over on the pretence/ pretext of "attending college" but mainly as you can work at the saame time as being "at college" legally.

In your case it seems that she has failed her immigration ( sounds like asylum) claim and thus has lost state support.

The state didnt used to deport people, just leaves them sitting around wiating for a way to a) get home, god knows where they find the money for this b) get involved in crime c) work illegally, although rules on employers are now much tighter d) find someone to gather money from.- ie your dad and many others like him.

It is a survival instinct that, if we are honest, if it came to it, requesting money from a man happy to give, is the least worst of these options.

I do take issue with the fact that he is "vulnerable" just by his age. Do I have this right OP that he understands that this woman isnt a girlfreind etc? He understands that the money he gives supports her and by association he wider family? Does he understand that he is supporting a "failed asylum seeker" or similar? Does he wonder whether this "support" is "ongoing? That the "freindship" isnt exactly equal? I take the point though that he doesnt seem to understand that he cant go there, are the alarm bells not ringing for him?

If he understands all this,( ie he is not being lied to) yet you remain sceptical and worried, why not try the other way around

"come on dad, your no expert, what she needs is REAL help, lets find her a good immigration drop in advice centre we can take her to to make sure she gets the help she needs!!"

[Deleted User]

Hi, the situation does sound very dodge, and underhand (if your dad is being so kind to her - why is she keeping him away from her family? home?). It does seem that he's getting conned.

Also, how did they meet? And when did she start asking him for money?

There should be some kind of community liason officer at your local police station - without needing to put in a formal complaint or anything, perhapse you could meet with them and ask for their advice and opinion? I am sure that it would be in their interest/job description to assist an elderly person being conned (if it turns out that's the case)

Ma_Boswell

More excellent and kind advice - again, many thanks. Lynzpower, this is very much what i thought - as a graduate myself a lot of what he told me about her "college" studies seemed wrong - it took her far too long ( about 7 years, i reckon) to get her MBA and a mate who also lives in London told me pretty much the same as you. I wouln't say he is "vulnerable" because of his age - its more that he is very old fashioned and in some ways naive - he has the values of a much gentler age and I'm proud of him for that, but it means he isn't as wary as he might be. I actually tried the "get her some professional advice" line - he told her and she said that I don't understand her situation. Maybe its that i understand it too well...anyway i don't think she's going to want to meet me.
Sue and Domino - thanks for more directions to look for help - will follow them up.
Maggied and RAS - he has her address - I'm going to ask him for it when i see him. He gives her cash or sends cheques. They met when she was a waitress at a restaurant he used to go to in London, he chatted to her ( he loves to chat to people, we had many an adventure - in a good way- when i was a little girl because he would talk to anyone) and it went on from there. She asks him for money and he can't imagine that anyone would ask for money unless they were desperate ( cos in his day that was how it was) so he gives it to her. He told me that his friend had given her the money - she's an elderly lady, now in a home - but mentally very on the ball - I think she was sorry for this person just like dad. He's been giving her money for at least 8 years because he was telling me how hard it was for her and that she needed help when I was applying for student loans for my twins to go to Uni in 2002 ( i admit that got me mad because, as their dad is dead they both had to work their way through Uni and a little help would have been nice - but they wouldn't ask, and i didn't because i knew dad hadn't got any money to spare).
I can't tell you all how much help you are being

big hugs all round and I will let you know what i find out

Ma xxx

lynzpower

Good luck hun.

The issue is really- does he MIND.

I mean, truly does he mind? He might like it, like giving money away? I have to be honest Ive given money to people that "i dont know" or "sound like scammers" including a few posters on here over the years, Ive never so much clapped eyes on. Although others might think Im bonkers, rest assured Im not!

I just like giving money away ( sometimes) and have a hunch when its "right"

shelly

I'm sorry this isn't better news/advice but without going into details I have called a solicitor to get advice about my Husbands Dad being taken advantage of.
The bottom line is that whilst he is deemed to be of sound mind he is classed as doing this voluntarily so there is nothing at all can be done, (even though he has told us he feels pressured into giving her money sometimes)

Ma_Boswell

Thanks Shelly and Lynz - you are probably both right - but like Shelly's husbands dad he does feel pressured sometimes and then he gets upset and I want to throttle her - cos thats my dad she's messing with. And sometimes I know it makes him feel good and that he's helping someone less fortunate - and even if she is conning him, if he believes her then he's happy. Just having a chat has helped a lot and if i check out the advice I'll feel i've tried to make sure he's okay .

Will post again when I've found out more

All the best

Ma xx

SallyUK

Hi Ma Boswell

Have you just recently found out about this, or have you known it's been happening for a while?

Call my cynnical, but there's not a cat in hell's chance that I'd be letting this happen, no matter how much my relative protested.

I'm sure you already know just how soft and gullible some people can be, especially as they get older, and personally, it sounds to me like she's taking your Dad for a real ride.

Even if he didn't want me to get involved, I'd be finding out where he's going, who this woman is and a lot more about her. If she does turn out to be committing some kind of crime, I'd have her hung up by the short and curlies! lol

Sal
x

Ma_Boswell

Sal you are a woman after my own heart! I knew it was happening 8 years ago and we fell out over it badly. Then many other things happened and we slowly made up and the subject wasn't raised. Over the last year we've got properly closer and dad has been spending time with one of my sons who was back from travelling and he mentioned it to me cos he was very worried - so for the last few months i've been trying to "talk some sense" into him - thought i'd done it and then she asked for the £400 - initially he said "no" cos he didn't have the money - she asked again and he gave it her - it was the last straw for me - I realised i had to try to do something and I'm so glad I came here. I've contacted Action on Elder abuse to see what I can do - if anything and I'm looking into the possibility of her being in the country illegally as well - I agree she shouldn't be allowed to get away with it - as RAS said he knew someone who lost their house through a similar scam.. We'll see what happens - thanks for the support

Ma xx

escortg3

i still think this is a police matter really. i would not be letting someone scam my dad.:mad:

Your dad is giving her money not really knowing the truth. if she is using his money to buy drugs or say rent a home for sex offenders would he still give her the money. i hazard a guess that it would be no:mad: she is scamming money under false circumstances. Im gald you say he is aware of what he is doing for his age, but he really doesnt does he. he knows nothing about this person, he has never been to her home and he freely gives his money away.

He could go one day to pay her more cash, one day there could be others with her and threaten your father to get more cash, he could go missing, never come back, anything could happen and how would you know where to look.

better to be safe than sorry. i would not wait another minute. better to have done something and regret it than never done anything at all

dexter_fan

Your Councils Social Services Department will have a Safeguarding Adults team. Please contact them. They are a multi agency team who work closely with the police and other agencies. They are aware that people can be vulnerable even if of sound mind.

I have made referrals to them in my line of work - and often it is family members! (not suggesting you, but that family could easily try to talk their way out of it) and they have still been successful in protecting the victim - not always by prosecution but by letting the 'abuser' know that they are aware and they are monitoring etc

Good Luck