Elderly dad may be being conned

Ma_Boswell

Hi I hope someone can give me some advice on this. My dad is in his 80s and has for over 10 years been giving money to a young woman he met in London . He says she is "like a daughter" to him and he gives her at least £100 per month to send to her family ( she is not a British national) as well as regular larger sums when he receives various dividends. She is now asking him for money to pay her rent as she has lost her job because her passport was taken away by her embassy and he has extended his overdraft to do this. He gave her money for college tuition fees and persuaded one of his friends to help her as well.Many of the things he tells us about her do not add up and I'm not sure if he is being conned or at least having his soft-heartedness taken advantage of. One of my sons arranged to meet up with dad when he was visiting her and she mysteriously didn't turn up. I know it sounds as if i'm interfering , or only worried that the money is going to someone else, but honestly I'm not - I'm just worried that he is being taken for a ride - he tells us that he knows where she lives but is not "allowed" to visit as her family don't want him there. She also seems to have a male relative (nephew?) who she supports. I have thought about going down with him ( yes, he pops down to London on his own on the train which is amazing at 87, but also a bit worrying when you don't know where he is going) but don't know what I'd say, or even if he'd want me to. Any advice welcome.

RAS

Hi

You have good reason to be alarmed; I am aware of someone who lost his home doing something similar.

Do I gather he meet her regularly? if so, i suspect that you need to get someone to tail him and find out where this woman is going. Then talk to the police. it may be nothing but it could effectively be a scam.

Ma_Boswell

Fortunately he is in a Housing Association property so that can't happen but its good to know that I'm not just being paranoid. Unfortunately he just seems to go down on the spur of the moment so it would be hard to follow him - I may have to screw up my courage and try to go with him, trouble is he knows I'm not happy about her. Even his bank apparently asked him how his family felt about him paying her rent (he's so honest that he told them why he wanted the overdraft extended- wish they had refused it)

KittyKate

I would be concerned too. Can't you sit him down and say something along the lines of, you know that he is a loving kind man, but there are people out there that take advantage of such kindness, and that whilst this lady may be like a daughter to him, the sad truth is he knows nothing about her or her true circumstances, and it might be a good idea for him to stop with the donations as, if she is in a difficult patch, his enabling her won't make her stand on her own too feet.

You dad is most likely a very proud man, and putting it as gently as possible will hopefully spare any potential embarrassment.

If he insists he wants to keep 'helping' her, can't you go down to London and meet her yourself and ask a few probing questions about where your dad's money is going - it may, if she is being dishonest, put her off.

It's not an easy situation OP, my dad is 67 and has had a stroke and if he manages to get down to the shop on his own, I'm beaming with pride and relief (as I live a long way away, and I don't want him to become housebound). So it's amazing that at 87 your dad is so active and independent! If anything like this happened to my dad, I would be very concerned too.

Janey3

I don't think you are being paranoid either especially when you say that he isn't allowed to visit her as her family don't want him there - alarm bells would be ringing on that one.

I think I would try and glean as much information as possible about her from your Dad on the quiet, and if possible get her address and go there with a friend and have a good look around and maybe ask a few discreet questions in the neighbourhood about this woman. You never know what it might unearth.

I can quite understand your concern for your father.

escortg3

Personally i would call the Police and get them to check her out. He is a vulnerable adult who is being preyed on financially. They have a duty of care to look into this.:)

curlytop12

poor you,what a worry.i think i would agree with escortg3's advice.
good luck.

Ma_Boswell

Am really touched by everyone's concern and kind advice - thanks to all of you. Think i might go with Janey3s advice as I have a son who lives in London and would be happy to come with me - then if it looks as dodgy as it seems we could escalate to escortg3s advice.KittyKate I am so sorry about your dad - my mum ( mum and dad are divorced) had a stroke some years ago, she manages brilliantly and fortunately I live very near so am on hand for the heavy shopping, bed making and trips to the vet ( she has two cats who loathe me). I have tried to talk to him gently about it and he seems to see my point but then carries on - he's an old-fashioned gentleman and thinks she's a damsel in distress!
You have all made me feel a lot better and given me something to get my teeth into instead of wondering what to do about it and getting nowhere ( I normally don't "do" helpless so it bothers me)

maggied_2

I would be worried too. However if you report it to the police they may point out he's doing this of free will and he is still of sound mind etc. Hopefully someone with more knowledge will clarify what their stance would be. Alternatively you could call them and ask - I had to phone my police team (can't remember the correct term for them - it was on our local force's website) and they gave me some very useful advice without probing me too much.

I am racking my brains on this one - ok:

1. How does he know her?
2. How did this money situation arise?
3. For how long has been sending the money?
4. How does she contact him?
5. He has an address - could you get your hands on it?
6. How do you know about him persuading the friend? Could the friend help you?

I too would be tempted to tail him (although of course that would be difficult if he goes on the spur of the moment) or get this woman's address and see her myself.

I will have more of a think for you
C

RAS

Do you know this woman's name? Any idea where she lives?

Does he pay cash or via the bank?

Ever tried to find her on facebook or another site?

Savvy_Sue

Action on Elder Abuse may be able to offer advice.