Real life MMD: Should I risk offending the bridesmaid?

lucihana

I am getting married in November, my hens are busy arranging my hen do and making sure they get the best deal possible for everyone. I would be mortified if people felt they had to pay too much, or could have saved somewhere, and then understandably felt a bit resentful about attending. Just explain you are on a budget and you know of a way to save everyone a few quid. Weddings are expensive enough, you have to save what you can when you can! If she wants to continue with her plan of action - and remember if she is booking for lots of people she may be worried about asking everyone to book themselves as inevitably someone will forget - then just tell her you will book your own and see her there. And if people ask you why you did yours seperately you can tell them and they'll all wish they had done the same - you can't lose! Good luck.

Talent

Hi, I don't know the answer. I do know that in a lot of cases the person doing the organising and block bookings gets a freeby....

Payless_2

My brother married an Irish girl and they got married in Ireland. So we all had to pay for flights and B and B for the wedding. I had never met his bride to be but was expected to go on her hen night. I didn't mind this until it became apparent how expensive it was going to be too.

It started off with champagne and strawberries at a swanky hotel and ended with a nightclub and a large expensive meal there. We were all expected to share the bills. I was a student at the time and ate very little to try to keep the costs down. Her family were well off and bought the most expensive things on the menu (they spent all night cadging my cigarettes though) It took me ages to pay off the debts for this weekend and I ended up feeling very annoyed at my brother.

It is better to come clean now than to end up with bad feeling between you later

JayD

Of course she should say!

Weddings are pricey enough with all the choices the bride and groom have to make for it, without someone else spending their money for them - especially without consulting with them first!

If said maid of honour wants to arrange a hen night that will cost the all the peeps attending, she should ask them what their budget is first.

Say NO to being bulldozed into spending money you can't afford - always! That is my motto - not just hen parties!

Snich

I have just organised my sister's hen do. We have managed to find somewhere that will do 3 course dinner plus 1/2 bottle of wine plus cocktail on arrival for £20 per person. People have the option of staying in hotel for £25 or it has been made very clear that they can go home and no one will mind. Club entry will be extra as will what people drink in addition on the night but I felt really strongly that all my sister's friends should feel able to come without worrying about money. I have suggested they pay the £20 now (hen do in July) so then the evening won't seem too expensive.
It is difficult because I want to spoil my sister but I am hoping that having all her friends around her will be treat enough plus a few surprises of course!

gingercordial

I can only say what happened with my wedding last year. Short version: as the bride I was really happy that somebody came to me with their concerns about the cost and I was able to take it up with the bridesmaid and get her to change the plans to be more budget-friendly.

Long version: I'd told my "chief" bridesmaid L (not really chief, but lives closest to me so was most involved and was doing a lot of organising) that the hen do had to be suitable for all budgets, particularly since it was going to be in London (where I live) and many of the guests would be coming from elsewhere where wages aren't so high. Added to which she is very well-off, whereas I know that others aren't, so I don't think she realises what it is like to not be able to afford something.

I wasn't allowed to know what was going on, so L and my other three bridesmaids went away to plot.

Next thing I knew, another bridesmaid N sent me a very long and apologetic e-mail saying that she was really sorry, but she couldn't afford the plans and therefore felt she should resign as bridesmaid because it wouldn't be right to not come to the hen do. I of course replied and said that was silly because I hadn't asked her to be bridesmaid just to come to the hen do, but that I'd speak to L about the costs. I was really quite angry that my requests for a budget hen do had been ignored! Apparently the activities planned were going to cost at least £100, plus hotel accommodation (completely pointless when half of us live in London and could easily put up the other half for the night) plus travel expenses plus drinks and dinner. No way were they paying that!

Anyway, I spoke to L and (without naming names) told her that I'd heard concerns from guests about the costs and that people were going to have to drop out because of it. I told her that the plans would have to be changed so that it would not cost more than £50 per head absolute maximum including dinner - I thought drinks were up to the individual so OK to be extra - and we were all going to stay at my house rather than in hotels, and I would look into cheaper train tickets for those travelling. L was very apologetic and just said that so many good ideas had come up in the planning, and none of them had wanted to say no to any of them, so it had all just got a bit out of hand.

I'm sure what they were planning would have been fabulous, but so was the toned-down version they came up with, just as much fun! There's no need to spend all that money on one night out. I'd rather have a night out in a cheap pub with all my friends than an expensive night out just with the couple that could afford it.

My husband had the same issue - his brother/best man wanted everybody to pay £250 for a weekend of go-karting! No way. They ended up just going out to the pub in London.

Edited to add: the good thing about what my bridesmaids ended up planning was that people could drop in and out as they pleased (there was a make-up class round my house, then dinner at a cheap Italian restaurant, then drinks in a bar, then a cheesy 80's club) so those on a very tight budget could just come to dinner, for example. However that doesn't always solve the problem, as the out-of-town guests staying at mine were pretty much obliged to do everything so that they could come home with me at the end of the night, so it isn't a complete cure-all.