Real life MMD: Should I risk offending the bridesmaid?

edinburgher

Pretty much this exact scenario (well the stag version) is happening with my brother's stag do - only difference being that he's organising it himself so it's pretty hard to say no.

Not content with the fact that it's abroad and we've all had to fork out for plane tickets, two nights in a hotel and spending money, he just bought tickets to a football match from a reseller, meaning that I'm now likely to be £450 out of pocket for a weekend He doesn't think this is a lot (compulsive traveller), but what's the polite way of saying that I only save £60/mth towards holidays and he's effectively ruined my chance of having a summer holiday?

gaily

edinburgher wrote: »

Pretty much this exact scenario (well the stag version) is happening with my brother's stag do - only difference being that he's organising it himself so it's pretty hard to say no.

Not content with the fact that it's abroad and we've all had to fork out for plane tickets, two nights in a hotel and spending money, he just bought tickets to a football match from a reseller, meaning that I'm now likely to be £450 out of pocket for a weekend He doesn't think this is a lot (compulsive traveller), but what's the polite way of saying that I only save £60/mth towards holidays and he's effectively ruined my chance of having a summer holiday?

Ouch - I feel for you. Some people forget that this may be their big day that they are budgeting for on their own terms, that they are forcing others to spend - and being your Bro, there's not much chance to tell him to go stick it.

veloo

I would open up and say exactly what you have told us in an email to everyone remotely interested in this "hen do". There might be some who might be "not interested" precisely for the same reason as you.

MSE_Penelope wrote: »

It's pricey and we could get a better deal if we all booked directly ourselves. I can't afford to pay anything at the moment.

Let everyone make up their own minds. They might all be thinking the same as you. I wouldn't worry about offending "the chief bridesmaid who I've never met". If she (and/or the bride) were responsible enough, she should have consulted everyone involved, unless they were footing the bill themselves.

If you don't feel comfortable handling this, I would quietly excuse myself from this "hen do", with no hard feelings. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences, including the bride and chief bridesmaid, in how they want the important events in their life to be.

To be charitable to the chief bridesmaid (and/or the bride), she could be in the same boat as you, and might welcome your initiative with some moneysaving advice for everyone.

Sublime_2

mr-tom wrote: »

Or give the evening a miss.

There's nothing wrong with telling the truth. They should have been open about the costs when they were asking you to sign up.

Snap.

I would always tell someone (and have done so) if I couldn't afford to do something. I would mention the cheaper deal, and take it from there.

wildthing01

this sounds suspiciously like a hen do i'm going on this summer!!! i can't see why there should be a dilemma here - i would just 'reply all' to the email, saying

'oh sorry, i didn't realise there was £50 more to pay - i must have missed something! i can't actually afford that at the moment - but i have found this on the internet (insert relevant link), it seems to work out x amount cheaper - would it be okay if i booked myself through this?'

if using reply all, there may be others who will see the email, who would be interested indoing it your way, and i can't see how the bridesmaid could be remotely offended by the email. at least booking it your way means you'll be able to attend, and surely that's what the bridesmaid should be most concerned about, as she should have the bride's best interests at heart.

misspoppy

Hi
I had a similar thing last year when I was informed we were going to a strip club for the whole evening and I really wasn't happy about it, in fact I replied and said I wouldn't go. All our communication was done on email so I sent a reply to all saying I didn't want to go to a strip club and someone else also expressed their concerns. In the end the other girls explained more about the club and I went. I did speak to the other girls that I knew and then decided to send the group mail so maybe you could do the same I'm sure you aren't the only one concerned about money right now.

jamespir

id explain the situation and see how it goes

spangle.kitten

When a friend of mine got married last summer the hen do was arranged by her sister (who I'd never met) and she sent me a link to the restaurant she wanted to go to. My eyes were out on stalks...I might just have been able to have afforded a starter and a side salad if I ate nothing else but value beans on toast for the entire week! I emailed her back and politely said that it was out of my price range, could I join them later in the evening for the drinks at a local pub. It seemed that a few others had also written to her saying "Ouch! What kind of income do you think I'm on?!" so she organised a far cheaper place, and asked what sort of price we could afford.

So you may find that several others are in the same boat as you. So I'd certainly email her and tell her about the offer ~ or ask if you could just go to the club part of the evening?

Or go straight to the bride and ask her to have a word?

I wouldn't worry too much about offending her. You're likely to only meet her twice; once at the hen night and at the wedding!

Primrose

I really think that these kinds of events are starting to become emotional blackmail in terms of the unwanted financial pressure they put on people when times are economically difficult.
Probably others find themselves in the same embarrassing situation so it's better to be honest and say that that kind of event is simply beyond your budget at the moment. However I'd mention it to the bride. You're doing her a favour by being her bridesmaid but you don't have to drive yourself into bancruptcy in the process.

LameWolf

I think I'd say something along the lines that I find myself particularly short of money at this time, so regretfully, I shall have to forgo the hen do.

£50 is a lot to find at short notice, and it's imho thoughtless to expect people to stump up this amount as if it were 50p.